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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27587795">Break Through The Clouds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/CoffeeShopStoryteller'>CoffeeShopStoryteller (Samunderthelights)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Coming Out, Don't copy to another site, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Mention of suicide with a weapon, Mentions of religion, Self-Discovery, Sexual Content, Sexual Experimentation, Slow Burn, Tags Are Hard, angst in later chapters, parental homophobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:02:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>51,494</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27587795</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/CoffeeShopStoryteller</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"I want to know what it's like to kiss a guy."</i><br/>It had seemed like a meaningless confession from one friend to another. But those words were only the beginning, and they were about to set off a series of events that would change Timothée and Armie's lives in ways they never could have foreseen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>669</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>396</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. “It’s just a kiss, right?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <b>Update January 2021 : I originally posted this story under my Samunderthelights username. In January it was moved to my CoffeeShopStoryteller pseud, together with the rest of my CMBYN RPF stories.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>Hi!<br/>I have been working on this story for months, and I'm so excited to finally be able to share it with all of you!<br/>I do feel like I kind of have to give a little warning though, just so you know what you're getting into. This story has 20 chapters, and the first 10 chapters are one part of the story, the other 10 chapters are another part of the story.<br/>The first part of the story is a little bit more fun and smutty. The second part of the story is definitely a bit more angsty and feelsy.<br/>So now that we've got that out of the way, let's get to the first chapter of Break Through The Clouds.<br/>Enjoy!!<br/>Xx</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>Timothée is lying in the backyard, the world being drowned out by the music playing from his earbuds. He is just starting to doze off, but when he feels the ground underneath him vibrating, he opens his eyes, and he finds his best friend coming over to him.</p><p>Armie crashes down with him, a tired smile on his face.</p><p>“I thought you had to go home?”</p><p>“My mom just called, her and dad decided to stay at the retreat a day longer,” Armie explains, before nudging his head into the direction of Timothée’s earbuds. “What were you listening to?”</p><p>“Music.”</p><p>“Yeah, I got that.” Armie chuckles. “But who were you listening to?”</p><p>Timothée offers Armie one of his earbuds, before closing his eyes again, wanting nothing more than to have a short nap before dinner. But he doesn’t get the chance to doze off, because when the song is over, Armie starts talking again.</p><p>“Do you think it’s true what they say?”</p><p>“What they say…?”</p><p>“About him,” Armie says, keeping his voice down, and when Timothée opens his eyes, he can see the blush on his face. But Armie has his eyes shut tight, so he doesn’t see the small smile forming on Timothée’s face, the knowing smile. “That he wrote this song about a guy.”</p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably.”</p><p>Armie gives a small nod, and Timothée is just about to pick out another song to listen to, when he opens his eyes.</p><p>“Have you ever thought about it?”</p><p>“About this song being about a guy?” Timothée chuckles. “Not really. I just like to listen to it.”</p><p>“No, not… have you ever thought about trying to see what it’s like… with a guy?” Armie asks, mumbling the last part.</p><p>“Not really, but I’m not saying never.” Timothée shrugs. “I would be open to it, I guess. What about you?”</p><p>“I wouldn’t mind trying it out,” Armie admits, before quickly adding, “just to see what it’s like, of course.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Timothée flashes a small smile, before grabbing his phone from his chest, and scrolling through his playlist. He can feel Armie’s eyes burning a hole in him though, but he ignores it, and he starts playing another song, before closing his eyes again. But this time there is no dozing off, because Armie’s question, his admission, is playing on his mind, and he can’t help but wonder if he had been meaning to say more. If he was trying to go somewhere with it.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Are you sure you have to go home?” Nicole asks, when Armie is putting his jacket on after dinner. “Are your parents back from their retreat?”</p><p>“They’ll be back tomorrow, but I’ll be alright.”</p><p>“Why don’t you stay here for the night. I don’t like the idea of you being in that house on your own.”</p><p>“He’s not a kid, mom,” Timothée laughs.</p><p>“See, he doesn’t want me here.” Armie shrugs. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine. I’ll call to let you know I got home safe, alright?”</p><p>“Oh, don’t be like that,” Timothée laughs. “You know I want you to stay. I’m just saying…”</p><p>“Go on then, why don’t you boys go up to your room, play one of your video games… I’ll bring a snack later.” Nicole smiles, before leaving the room.</p><p>Armie takes his jacket back off, still a little hesitant, but his best friend is already grabbing them something to drink, and not even a minute later, they are up in Timothée’s room, crashed down on his couch, video game controllers in hand.</p><p>“Armie?”</p><p>“Mhm?” he mumbles, trying to concentrate on the game.</p><p>“What you said earlier…,” Timothée begins, hesitating to continue, not sure if Armie wants him to bring it up again. “About…”</p><p>“I know what I said.”</p><p>“Have you ever done anything?”</p><p>“With a guy, you mean?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Timothée nods, oblivious to the loud bleeping coming from the television, as both his and Armie’s characters have been killed off.</p><p>“No, but I want to know what it’s like,” Armie admits. “Don’t you?”</p><p>Timothée gives a small, uncertain nod, but when Armie begins to lean in for a kiss, he doesn’t stop him. He doesn’t move away. Not until they hear footsteps coming up the stairs.</p><p>They quickly look back up at the screen, pretending like nothing has happened, and when Timothée’s mother comes in, a large bowl of chips in her hands, she finds the two teenagers caught up in their game, as they always are.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The two friends had spent the whole night playing video games, and what had happened earlier had not been mentioned. But now that they’re in bed, Timothée can sense that Armie is nervous. Normally he doesn’t hesitate to get comfortable in bed, to make himself at home, even if that means taking up all the space and hogging the covers, but right now he is tense, as though he is scared to invade Timothée’s space.</p><p>“It’s okay to breathe, you know?” Timothée whispers, a small smile on his face, and when Armie sees that he has been caught out in his uncomfortable behaviour, he flashes a sheepish grin. “Is this because of what happened earlier?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, man.”</p><p>“Were you really going to kiss me?”</p><p>“It was stupid.” Armie shrugs.</p><p>“I want to know too.”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>Timothée gives a nervous nod, before moving closer towards Armie. But the tension between them is so uncomfortable, that neither of them is willing to take the next step.</p><p>“Are we really going to do this?” Armie laughs nervously.</p><p>“It’s just a kiss, right?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>The tension seems to be growing bigger by the second, and it’s Armie who finally presses his lips against Timothée’s. But it’s a quick, nervous peck, and when he moves away from him, he lets out a nervous chuckle.</p><p>“Sorry, that was shit.”</p><p>Timothée brings his hand up to the side of his best friend’s neck, and after ever so carefully brushing his thumb over his jaw, he leans in, and he brings their mouths together again. This time it’s no quick peck, and Timothée is shocked to find how much he is actually getting into it. But when Armie breaks the kiss, he pushes the thought down, and he flashes a nervous grin.</p><p>“Still shit?”</p><p>“No,” Armie chuckles, and he opens his mouth to say more, but Timothée can see him change his mind. Instead of saying what he is thinking, he flashes an uncomfortable smile, before turning away from him. “Goodnight, Timmy.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Only moments ago, Timothée was lying on a beach in a far-away land, enjoying the sun and some music. But when he hears his sister slamming her bedroom door, before slamming the bathroom door only seconds later, he sighs, fully aware that he is not dreaming anymore. And when he feels Armie moving in bed next to him, he remembers what had happened before they had gone to sleep. It makes him want to close his eyes again and try to get back to the beach, but he knows that Armie is watching him, and he can’t ignore him.</p><p>“God, she’s loud, isn’t she?”</p><p>“It’s like this every morning.” Timothée rolls his eyes, but he can see that last night’s kiss is on Armie’s mind, that he is just trying to make small talk. “I ehm… last night…”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“You do? Because I don’t.” Timothée chuckles nervously. “We kissed.”</p><p>“We did,” Armie agrees. “Now we know, I guess. What it’s like to kiss a guy.”</p><p>Timothée nods, and an uncomfortable silence follows, until Armie opens his mouth to speak, but just like last night, he changes his mind again.</p><p>“Say it.”</p><p>“No, it doesn’t matter.”</p><p>“Armie, tell me. I won’t be offended if you hated it,” Timothée laughs, but it’s nervous laughter, and he can see that his best friend is just as nervous. “Did you? Hate it, I mean?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“It was…,” Timothée begins, but then he hesitates, before continuing. “that was… it was a good kiss, right? It wasn’t weird or anything.”</p><p>“A little weird,” Armie admits. “Kissing you, I mean. Not the… the kiss itself, you know?”</p><p>“Would you do it again? Kiss a guy, I mean. Not me, but like… someone else.”</p><p>“Would you?” Armie asks, and Timothée can feel the corner of his mouth curling up into a smile, because he still remembers last night’s kiss. He can still taste Armie’s mouth on his, he can remember how nervous they had been, but how, for just a moment, they had gotten completely lost in it.</p><p>“I’d kiss <em>you</em> again.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Armie asks, “So how about…”</p><p>The door opens, and Pauline comes bursting in, in just her jeans and a bra. She has an irritated look on her face, but when she sees Armie, she gets a big smile on her face.</p><p>“Oh, hi! I didn’t know you were here. Are your parents still out of town?”</p><p>“Can you please put on a shirt?” Timothée rolls his eyes, making his sister glare at him.</p><p>“That’s why I’m here. I’m borrowing one of your t-shirts, because mine are still in the wash.”</p><p>“All of them?”</p><p>“The one I want to wear. Is it okay if I…,” Pauline begins, but without waiting for an answer, she pulls open the wardrobe, and she pulls out an old, oversized t-shirt, before pulling it over her head. “Better?”</p><p>“Just try not to fuck this one up.”</p><p>“Whatever.” Pauline rolls her eyes. “By the way, you still have my gray sweater, and… oh, please tell me you didn’t lose it.”</p><p>“I didn’t lose it,” Timothée says, but when he sees Armie trying to keep a straight face, but failing miserably, he knows his sister won’t be convinced by his lie.</p><p>“What did you do to it?”</p><p>“I left it at school.”</p><p>“Fine, you owe me a sweater then.”</p><p>“You have a dozen of other…”</p><p>“Get me a new one, Tim, or I’ll tell mom…”</p><p>“Fine!” Timothée quickly says, and his sister flashes a big grin, before leaving the bedroom.</p><p>“You’re so lucky.”</p><p>“What? That my sister keeps stealing my shirts, that she blackmails me, that she…”</p><p>“You know what I mean.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Timothée agrees, a crooked smile on his face. “I know she’s alright.”</p><p>“Alright? She’s…”</p><p>“Alright. Just try living with her for a month,” Timothée laughs, but then he remembers the conversation they were having, before Pauline came in. “You ehm… you were going to say something.”</p><p>“Oh… yeah, it doesn’t matter,” Armie says, before turning to get out of bed.</p><p>“Armie?”</p><p>“Mhm?”</p><p>“Can I kiss you?”</p><p>Armie is sitting on the side of the bed, and for the longest time he doesn’t say anything. Timothée worries that he has said too much, but he doesn’t know how to apologize, how to take it back. So he keeps quiet, until Armie finally looks over his shoulder.</p><p>“Would that be weird?” he quickly asks, but Armie shakes his head, and he flashes a small, nervous smile. Timothée climbs out of bed, and he sits down next to his best friend, but now that they are sitting arm to arm, now that they are not surrounded by last night’s darkness, it all feels much more naked, much more vulnerable.</p><p>But still Timothée leans in, and he presses his mouth against Armie’s. He is not sure what kind of kiss Armie is expecting, and he doesn’t want to take it too far, but when he feels Armie sliding his tongue into his mouth, he can feel a nervous, excited fluttering in his stomach.</p><p>When Armie had first brought this up yesterday, when they were out in the backyard, Timothée couldn’t help but think that if they were to try this out together, that it would be weird, that it would result in a lot of nervous laughter. That they would maybe try to kiss once, realize that it was not for them, and that was that. But he can’t deny that, although he had never thought about it before, now that they are here, it isn’t weird at all. A little uncomfortable, sure, but not weird. Who better to try this out with than your best friend, right?</p><p>“We should probably…,” Armie begins, but then he shakes his head, smiling to himself. “I’m sorry, man. It’s just, I can’t believe we’ve just done that.”</p><p>Timothée shrugs, nervous that this is the moment Armie will back out of it. But instead, he wraps his arms around him, and he pulls him against his chest.</p><p>“Are we good?”</p><p>“Of course,” Timothée laughs, trying to hide the fact that he can still feel the fluttering inside of him.</p><p>“Thanks, man, for not… you know… freaking out on me when I said I wanted to…”</p><p>“I wanted it too,” Timothée mumbles into his friend’s shoulder, before freeing himself from his grip. “Come on, we should get ready for school.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. “Do we need a safe word?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Thank you so much for all the positive feedback!! ❤️<br/>Xx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No more had been said about their kisses, and both friends had been relieved, because it meant that they had gone back to the way they had always been, without any awkwardness. But Timothée’s parents and Pauline are out of town for the weekend, so Nicole had suggested Timothée should invite Armie to stay over. And although they have spent dozens of nights together since becoming friends years ago, tonight Timothée can feel a nervous tension in the air.</p>
<p>After ordering a pizza, they had gone upstairs, and they had spent hours playing video games, talking about school, music, the game itself. It had been just like any other night, but every time their eyes met, it was obvious that they still remembered what had happened last week.</p>
<p>“What do you want to watch?” Armie asks, when Timothée grabs his laptop after they have gotten into bed. “A normal movie this time, not one of those…”</p>
<p>“I didn’t know it was going to have a weird ending, did I?”</p>
<p>“I still don’t know if they were dead, or if she was dreaming.”</p>
<p>“Dreaming? I thought it was the story in his book? So from the point she started reading, it was all just a story,” Timothée explains, but his friend just stares at him with big, empty eyes. “You know, the book her husband gave her…”</p>
<p>“I have no idea what you’re talking about. So can we please watch a normal movie?” Armie asks, and he reaches out to grab the laptop from Timothée’s hands. He starts scrolling through the movies, through the channels, and it takes minute after minute, where they both keep rejecting movies. But then he clicks on the 18+ channel, and immediately a pop-up asks for a password.</p>
<p>“Guess that’s not working,” Armie chuckles uncomfortably. But Timothée types in a password, and within seconds, a list of categories pops up.</p>
<p>“It’s just a child lock.” Timothée shrugs, keeping his eyes focussed on the screen. He can see the different categories, and he has been here enough times to be able to list the movies off by heart. But usually he is by himself, and no one will judge him for what he chooses to watch.</p>
<p>So he watches as Armie scrolls through the categories, through the different movies, but he can see him hovering over the gay movies.</p>
<p>“Have you ehm…,” Armie mumbles, “have you ever watched one of those?”</p>
<p>Timothée shakes his head, a nervous smile on his face. He can see Armie hesitate for a moment, but then he finally selects it, and a bunch of thumbnails appear on the screen. Timothée can feel his heart starting to beat faster, because although they had watched porn together before, it was years ago, and it had ended with a lot of nervous laughter. They were young, and it had felt exciting, a little dangerous. It hadn’t been anything sexual, not really.</p>
<p>But Timothée knows that this is different, and he knows that Armie knows it too, because he can tell that his hands are getting a little shaky as he scrolls through the thumbnails, not actually picking out a movie yet.</p>
<p>“Have <em>you</em> seen any of these?”</p>
<p>“No,” Armie laughs. “I don’t watch porn.”</p>
<p>“Never?”</p>
<p>“My parents would kill me if they found out.”</p>
<p>“So? Then make sure they don’t find out. Put a password on your laptop, delete your history, that kind of thing.” Timothée shrugs, but Armie just flashes a smile, before looking back at the laptop in his lap. “Really? Never?”</p>
<p>“No. Especially not gay porn,” Armie laughs, as he finally selects a movie. “What about this one?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. They all look the same to me.”</p>
<p>The movie starts playing, and the quality is so terrible, that Timothée almost grabs the laptop so he can choose something else they can watch. But instead, he tries to make himself comfortable, as Armie sets the laptop down on their knees.</p>
<p>The movie is slow, and Timothée can feel his mind drifting off, as some absurd storyline is playing out on the screen, but he has seen enough porn to know when the action is coming. So when he sees the man walking into the bedroom, finding his employee lying there, taking a nap, he knows what is coming next.</p>
<p>Armie seems to notice too, because he swallows hard, his breathing becoming less steady. Timothée can’t help but smile to himself, but he knows that if he were to say something now, he might ruin everything, so he keeps quiet, and he tries his best to concentrate on what is happening on the screen.</p>
<p>He watches, as the employee wakes up, as a fight ensues, which of course ends in a kiss, and within seconds, the two men are on the bed, making out. Timothée can’t help but think back to his and Armie’s kiss, and for a split-second, he finds himself wishing it had gone beyond a kiss. He wishes they would have been like the two men on the screen, half-naked and making out, their hands all over each other. But he tries to shake the thought, and he watches, as the employee starts sucking his employer’s dick. He has seen women in movies do this hundreds of times, but there is something about this, about seeing a man do this, that makes the fluttering come back to his stomach, that makes the adrenaline rush through his veins.</p>
<p>“Has a girl ever done that to you?” Armie asks, making Timothée snap out of his thoughts. He shakes his head, an uncomfortable, crooked smile on his face.</p>
<p>“I only ever had sex twice,” Timothée admits. “But I told you, it was horrible. It was in the school toilets, and when I asked her out, she laughed at me,” he laughs uncomfortably. “So there wasn’t exactly time for foreplay, or…”</p>
<p>“Do you regret it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Timothée admits. “I probably should have waited until I was in a relationship. But when I had a girlfriend, I wasn’t ready, then when I was ready, I didn’t have a girlfriend.” He shrugs. “I guess it had to happen some time, right?”</p>
<p>“I guess.”</p>
<p>“We aren’t all as patient as you,” Timothée laughs, before looking back at the screen, where the employer now has his fingers pushed deep down into the employee’s asshole. Timothée feels his heart skip a beat, but he can also feel something else, and he tries really hard to think about something, anything else. But he can feel that watching this, it is making him hard, and he is starting to panic. Because how is he going to hide this from Armie?</p>
<p>They watch for a couple of minutes longer, and the employer is now fucking the employee with such vigour, with such force, that the two teenagers can’t help but stare, their eyes glued to the screen. But when a third man comes in, the moment seems to have been broken. Timothée looks at Armie, and he can’t help but smile at his flushed face.</p>
<p>“What?” Armie laughs, when he notices Timothée watching him. “You want to watch something else?”</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée quickly says, letting out a nervous chuckle when he realizes how quickly his answer came out. “I don’t mind watching this. Do you?”</p>
<p>“It’s not the best,” Armie laughs. “I think we should watch another one next time.”</p>
<p>“Next time?”</p>
<p>“Sorry, I mean… it’s just… it’s a joke, you know? Because it’s pretty bad.”</p>
<p>Timothée flashes a knowing smile, before turning back to watch the movie. But when he sees the employee being fucked by both men now, and another man comes into the room, he turns back to face Armie.</p>
<p>“It’s bad.”</p>
<p>“Maybe we should try to go to sleep?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Timothée agrees, and Armie quickly grabs the laptop, and turns it off. “Next time I’ll choose one.”</p>
<p>“Deal.”</p>
<p>Timothée lies down, but he is still hard, and the image of the two men on the bed, making out, of the man giving the other a blowjob, they keep flashing before his eyes, and they are starting to mix with the memory of his and Armie’s kiss. He feels like he should say something, or ask something, so he turns around again, but when he does, he finds Armie watching him.</p>
<p>“Sorry, I was just… it doesn’t matter.”</p>
<p>“Timmy?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“What happened last week…,” Armie begins, but Timothée can see how he is struggling to get out the words, so he flashes a reassuring smile. “I want to ask you something, but I’m scared you’re going to hate me for it.”</p>
<p>“Never. Ask me.”</p>
<p>“What if I want to do more than just kissing?” Armie whispers, even though no one is there to hear them. “Just to see what it’s like.”</p>
<p>“You mean…?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“No, I’m not saying no,” Timothée quickly says. “I just want to make sure I get what you’re saying.”</p>
<p>“I want to know what it’s like to be with a guy,” Armie admits. “What it’s like to kiss, to touch, to… you know? I’m just curious.”</p>
<p>“And you want to do it with me?”</p>
<p>“You’re my best friend, Timmy. I don’t want to try it out with someone else. I’m not gay!”</p>
<p>“I know.” Timothée smiles, when he sees his best friend’s face turning a dark shade of red. “I’m curious too. When we were watching that, I kind of liked it. When it was just the two of them, I mean, not when the other guys came in.”</p>
<p>“I liked it too,” Armie admits. “I want to know what that feels like.”</p>
<p>“Me too, so let’s just do it. Better to try it out now than to do it when you’re in your thirties and married, right?”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Timothée and Armie had spent the whole day on the couch, eating nothing but snacks and pizza. But during the hours and hours of playing video games, they hadn’t brought up what had been discussed last night. For a moment, Timothée even thought he must have made the whole thing up.</p>
<p>But as soon as they had gone to bed, Armie had grabbed the laptop, and he had gone straight to the 18+ channel. And after Timothée had typed in the password, he hadn’t hesitated to find the gay movies. It had taken them a long time to find what movie to watch though, because they didn’t want to end up with another movie like last night. So tonight they had read through the descriptions, and they had ended up choosing one that takes place in a summer holiday villa in Spain.</p>
<p>“Do they all start out like this?”</p>
<p>“You weren’t expecting Oscar-worthy storylines, were you?” Timothée laughs. “If you’re watching this for the quality, you really should be on different websites.”</p>
<p>“This is fine. But as soon as a third guy shows up…”</p>
<p>“We’ll keep going until we find one we like. I think I saw one about two high school best friends, so…,” Timothée teases, and he can see the blush forming on his best friend’s face. “Or is that too…?”</p>
<p>“We’re not going there.”</p>
<p>“Then you’re just going to have to put up with Emily and Summer, and their gay best friend.”</p>
<p>“Who is going to fuck their dad?”</p>
<p>“Spoiler!” Timothée laughs, feeling much more relaxed than when they had watched the movie last night. This time he finds himself following the barely-there storyline, he finds himself laughing at the bad jokes, he even finds himself enjoying it, before the action has even begun.</p>
<p>But when, after a lot of tension, the young man is lying by the pool, and the girls’ father comes out, it is obvious that this is what it is really about. So he watches, as they flirt for a minute or two, as the father gently starts to caress the young man’s chest, before kissing him, before kissing his chest, his arms. There is something sweet and nervous about it, and it is the complete opposite from what they had watched last night. And when the two men lie down together, their hands nervously fumbling for each other’s dick, it is almost sweet.</p>
<p>“Better than the other one?”</p>
<p>“Definitely,” Timothée chuckles. “As long as Emily or Summer doesn’t join them, this is good.”</p>
<p>They keep watching, as the two men take their time to kiss every inch of each other’s skin, before getting comfortable on the lounge bed. And where the men from last night’s movie had been fucking, where it had been hard, almost angry, the men from this movie move as one, and they are moaning into each other’s mouth, before kissing each other over and over again.</p>
<p>Timothée finds himself staring at it, almost enthralled, and by the time the scene is over, he feels like he has been holding his breath for hours.</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t mind it, if it was like that,” Armie admits, and only when Timothée hears his words, does he finally breathe out. “I get why people would be into that.”</p>
<p>Timothée nods, still feeling a little shaky, but Armie doesn’t seem to notice, because he keeps his eyes focused on the screen.</p>
<p>And where the scene from just now was beautiful, it’s now the morning after, and the girls’ father is in the shower. He is already hard and playing with himself, but the young man comes in, and without even saying a word, he drops to his knees, and he takes the man’s dick into his mouth. It seems to go on forever, until the young man turns the older man around, and he makes him face the wall. Timothée expects them to start fucking, but instead, the young man starts rimming the other man. And although Timothée has heard of it, he has never actually seen it, not between two men. He can feel his dick twitching, as the older man begins moaning loudly, a proud smile on the young man’s face.</p>
<p>It isn’t until Armie starts fidgeting uncomfortably, that Timothée looks away from the screen. Armie flashes a sheepish grin, and it takes a moment for Timothée to understand, but when he glances down, he notices the large bulge in his boxer briefs.</p>
<p>Just seeing it, it sends a lightning bolt through his body, and his mind isn’t on the movie anymore. It is on Armie, on his hard dick. But Armie has turned towards him too, and when he glances down, he grows even more nervous.</p>
<p>“Me too,” Timothée admits, and he removes the covers, his hard dick clearly visible in his boxers.</p>
<p>“Can I?” Armie asks, his voice shaking, and Timothée isn’t quite sure what he is asking, but he nods anyway, certain that whatever it is, he wants Armie to do it to him right now.</p>
<p>Armie brings his shaking hand down to Timothée’s dick, and he carefully starts stroking it through the fabric of his boxers. The touch makes Timothée gasp for air, but he doesn’t stop him, because he doesn’t want this to end. He wants Armie to keep touching him.</p>
<p>“Is this okay?” Armie asks, but all Timothée can do is nod. Armie is still stroking him, nervously, carefully, a focussed look on his face.</p>
<p>“Can I touch you too?” Timothée asks, and his best friend looks up at him, a blank, empty stare on his face. But then he seems to snap out of it, and he chuckles.</p>
<p>“Do you want to?”</p>
<p>“Mhm.”</p>
<p>“Do you want me keep them on?” Armie asks, “Or take them off?”</p>
<p>“Take them off,” Timothée hears himself saying, before even having thought it through. So he watches, as Armie takes off his boxer briefs, and throwing them onto the floor, and although they have seen each other naked before, this is different. Armie is sitting next to him, with an erection, and Timothée knows that he is about to touch him. That Armie is about to touch him again too.</p>
<p>“Can I take them off too?”</p>
<p>“Of course.” Armie smiles, and Timothée quickly takes off his boxers, flashing a nervous smile when he turns to face his best friend again. “I can’t believe we’re actually doing this.”</p>
<p>“What? Like you haven’t waited for this moment for years!”</p>
<p>“No!” Armie laughs. “Have you?”</p>
<p>“Sure. Every night you were lying next to me, I was hoping and praying you were going to wake up, longing for my dick.”</p>
<p>“You son of a…,” Armie laughs, but it’s enough to get rid of the nervous tension. And when Timothée grabs the tub of lotion from his drawer, they just laugh about it.</p>
<p>“We are definitely doing this?” Timothée asks, Armie’s hand already hovering over his dick. “Do we need a safe word, in case one of us changes our mind?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. <em>Stop</em>.”</p>
<p>“That’ll work.” Timothée chuckles, as Armie grabs hold of his dick, and the feeling of Armie’s hand on his dick, of skin on skin, it makes the fluttering feeling so much more intense. He has to suppress a moan, when Armie tightens his grip, and for a moment he has forgotten all about the fact that he was supposed to touch him too.</p>
<p>But then he remembers, and he reaches out his hand, but he can tell that he is nervous, because his hand is shaking. Still, he grabs hold of Armie’s dick, and he starts pumping away, like this is nothing at all. Like this isn’t his best friend of god knows how many years, and it is the most normal thing for them to sit here in bed, jerking each other off.</p>
<p>“Fuck, Timmy,” Armie moans out, not even trying to keep quiet, and just hearing him like that, it sends another lightning bolt through Timothée’s body. He looks down, at Armie’s dick in his hand, and he feels the corner of his mouth curling up into a smirk. He starts pumping faster, making Armie moan again, but he is starting to lose focus, because Armie is picking up the pace too.</p>
<p>He is still pumping away on Armie’s dick when he comes, but he doesn’t let it stop him. And as he is still riding out that surge of energy, that wave which has never been so strong as it is today, he can tell that Armie won’t last much longer. So he keeps his eyes focused on his dick, wanting nothing more than to see the exact moment he comes.</p>
<p>“Timmy…”</p>
<p>“I know,” Timothée grins, his eyes still on Armie’s dick, and as he had predicted, it only takes a couple more pumps to make him come. He watches, as his cum spurts out all over his stomach and chest, and he can’t help but watch, as some of it slowly drips down. He finds it strangely fascinating, and he almost reaches out to touch it, but he fears it would cross a line.</p>
<p>So when Armie opens his eyes again, he quickly looks up at him, and he flashes a nervous smile.</p>
<p>“Fuck, man,” Armie laughs, a little out of breath, before looking down at his chest and his stomach. “I should ehm…”</p>
<p>“Me too,” Timothée quickly says, but when he sees the few drops of cum on his own stomach, he feels a little silly, so he quickly leans over to get the wipes out of the drawer of his bedside table. He hands one to Armie, and takes one himself, before cleaning up, taking longer than necessary, but he is feeling a little uncomfortable, and he isn’t quite sure what to say.</p>
<p>“Was that ehm…,” he finally begins, unable to take the silence any longer. “Was that what you thought it would be like?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, man,” Armie laughs uncomfortably. “I’ve only ever gotten myself off, so I don’t even know what to think right now.”</p>
<p>“But it wasn’t like… bad, right?”</p>
<p>“Bad?” Armie laughs. “If this is what it’s like when it’s bad, then I can’t wait to see what it’s like when it’s good.”</p>
<p>Timothée looks down at his hands, a shy smile on his face, but when Armie nudges him in the arm, he looks up at him.</p>
<p>“I’m glad we get to do this together.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I couldn’t have done this with anyone else,” Armie admits. “Imagine going to some guy in school, and asking him if he wants to kiss, or…”</p>
<p>“Jerk you off?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Armie laughs. “I would have probably gotten my head kicked in.”</p>
<p>“Depends on who you would have asked. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who wouldn’t mind doing this with you.” Timothée shrugs, but the smile on Armie’s face just grows bigger. “What?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to do this with anyone else, Timmy.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>https://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. “What if I hate it?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It sucks, right?” Armie says, when he crashes down next to Timothée on the couch. They are at a Halloween party of one of their schoolmates, but the few people who are there, all seem to be caught up in some new game on their phone. It looks absurd, the group of teenagers, all huddled together, phones in hand. It’s not exactly the party the two friends were expecting.</p>
<p>“We should have gone to mine instead.”</p>
<p>“We can go to yours later,” Armie suggests, and a small smile forms on Timothée’s lips. “My parents think I’m staying at yours anyway.”</p>
<p>“Is that what you told them?”</p>
<p>“What? You didn’t think they’d let me go to a party, did you?”</p>
<p>“It’s not exactly a party, is it? I’m pretty sure the vodka Kim brought in is ninety percent water, the music isn’t working, the…”</p>
<p>“Want to go home?” Armie asks, and Timothée nods, but just as they are about to get up, a group of guys from their year crash down with them.</p>
<p>“Did you hear about Jade?” one of them asks, and Timothée shares a knowing look with Armie, having spent enough time in the locker room to know where this conversation is going. One of them has either slept with her, or they have heard some ‘fascinating’ fact about what she’s like in bed. “You know? That new chick?”</p>
<p>“What about her?” Armie asks.</p>
<p>“Apparently she’s gay.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Timothée asks, unable to hide the irritated look on his face. “You can’t…”</p>
<p>“I heard she had a girlfriend at her old school,” the guy continues, completely ignoring him. “Weren’t you going to ask her out?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but thank god I didn’t!” his friend laughs. “I don’t want to go out with a dyke!”</p>
<p>“You’re pigs. Both of you,” Timothée spits out, and only now do his schoolmates fully seem to notice him. “So what if she had a girlfriend?”</p>
<p>“I don’t care, mate.”</p>
<p>“Then why are you gossiping about her like a…,” Timothée spits out, but before he can even finish his sentence, the second guy has already interrupted him.</p>
<p>“She can do whatever the fuck she wants. Fuck, I’ll even watch. I’m just saying I’m glad I didn’t ask her out.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure she is glad too,” Timothée says, before getting up, and walking off, Armie quickly following him out of the house.</p>
<p>“What was all that about? You know what they’re like.”</p>
<p>“I hung out with her the other day, and she’s great, Armie,” Timothée explains. “She doesn’t deserve to have some idiot calling her a dyke, and laughing at her, just because she…”</p>
<p>“Timmy…,” Armie says, in a soft, calming voice, and it’s enough to make him stop. “They’re not worth it.”</p>
<p>“They’re pigs.”</p>
<p>“They are.” Armie agrees, before wrapping his arm around his best friend’s shoulder, and pulling him close. “Come on, let’s go home.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Timothée is still feeling riled up after they have gotten home, and they have gone up to his room. He is trying to focus on the music documentary they are watching, but he is fidgeting, and he can’t sit still, the adrenaline still pumping through his veins.</p>
<p>“Why do you…”</p>
<p>“I hate guys like them,” Timothée admits, before Armie can even finish his question. “The way they talk about girls, the way…”</p>
<p>“Right…,” Armie says, a knowing grin on his face. “This has nothing to do with what we did the other week?”</p>
<p>“No!”</p>
<p>“Really?”</p>
<p>“You know they’ll talk about us like that too, right? If they find out.”</p>
<p>“And how are they going to find out?” Armie shrugs. “I’m not going to tell them.”</p>
<p>“I’m not telling them either, you know that. But you know what they would say.”</p>
<p>“We’re not gay, Timmy.”</p>
<p>“I know that, but…,” Timothée sighs, but when he sees the look on his best friend’s face, he can’t help but smile. “I’m worrying over nothing, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you are. Now relax, because you’re starting to stress me out too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The two teenagers have just been woken up by Pauline slamming the doors again, and Armie is just about to make a joke about it, but when Timothée lets out a frustrated groan, he decides against it.</p>
<p>“You’re not still thinking about last night, are you?”</p>
<p>“No, you were right. I was just being stupid.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure you’re alright?” Armie asks, but when Timothée flashes a tired, unconvincing smile, he places a hand on his arm, and he gives it a reassuring squeeze. “You’re not freaking out on me, are you? Is it time for the safe word?”</p>
<p>“Stop?” Timothée chuckles. “No. Unless you want to stop, of course.”</p>
<p>“I could think of a dozen of other things we could still try out,” Armie whispers, a mischievous smirk on his face. Timothée can see that he is nervous though, that he is scared to be rejected or laughed at.</p>
<p>“Me too,” Timothée admits. “I saw this thing the other day…”</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah?” Armie laughs. “Can you show me?”</p>
<p>“Not now. But Pauline is going to the movies with a friend tomorrow, so if you come here after school…”</p>
<p>“Do I need to prepare?” Armie grins. “Stretch, do a work out, or…?”</p>
<p>“I think you’ll be alright,” Timothée laughs, but when Armie turns away from him, he stops him, the smile having left his face. “This isn’t like, going to be weird or anything, right?”</p>
<p>“What? Because you touched my dick?” Armie teases, “Come on, man. No, of course it’s not going to be weird.”</p>
<p>“You’d tell me, right?”</p>
<p>“Timmy! Relax,” Armie laughs. “So, tell me, what is this thing you want us try out tomorrow?”</p>
<p>“I’m not telling you,” Timothée laughs uncomfortably. “I’ll show you. Tomorrow. Not now.”</p>
<p>“What if I tell you what I’ve been thinking about?”</p>
<p>“You can tell me, but I’m still not telling you,” Timothée laughs, and his best friend checks to make sure the door is still closed, before bringing his mouth up to his ear.</p>
<p>“I want to know what it’s like to suck your dick,” he whispers, and Timothée can feel the heat beginning to radiate from his body, as he realizes what Armie has just told him.</p>
<p>“What?” he laughs, not sure if Armie is just messing with him, but when he turns his head, and he sees the blush on his face, he realizes it really wasn’t a joke. “You want to…”</p>
<p>“Those guys seemed to enjoy doing it.” Armie shrugs, “I mean, I know it’s porn, and they get paid to do it, but... do you think it’s weird that I’m thinking about it?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>Timothée shakes his head, but then a small smile forms on his lips.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” he admits. “It’s definitely a lot more…” He struggles to find the right words, but he can tell from Armie’s face that he is thinking the same thing, so he breathes a sigh of relief. “I’m sorry, I told you, no one has ever done it to me before, but when I thought about it, I definitely didn’t think you’d be the first one to do it to me, you know?”</p>
<p>“If you don’t want to do it, that’s totally fine,” Armie quickly says, the dark blush still on his face. “It was just an idea, you know? It’s not like…”</p>
<p>“What if I hate it?”</p>
<p>“Just tell me to stop.” Armie shrugs. “I’m not exactly an expert, am I? So I’m pretty sure it won’t be like how those guys we watched did it.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure it won’t be weird?”</p>
<p>“Forget it.” Armie rolls his eyes. “I’ll go ask around at school and see if some guy wants his dick sucked.”</p>
<p>“No!” Timothée quickly says, but when he sees the big grin on his best friend’s face, he realizes that he was only teasing him.</p>
<p>“Relax, Timmy. If you don’t want to do it, I don’t care. We’ll try something else, yeah?”</p>
<p>“I do want to,” Timothée admits, and he can feel a blush creeping onto his face. He knows that jerking each other off was worlds away from doing this, and he can’t help but wonder what it will do to their friendship. Will it make things awkward between them, will they be able to laugh it off and put it behind them like they did after what happened the other week?</p>
<p>But as he is still thinking about it, Armie disappears underneath the covers, and Timothée can feel him pulling down his boxers.</p>
<p>“Guess we’re doing this right now,” he laughs, but when he feels his best friend carefully, nervously, wrapping his mouth around his dick, he is worlds away from laughing. “Holy…!” he cries out, but he quickly covers his mouth with his hand, fully aware that his sister is just a few doors away, and his parents are downstairs. So he has to be quiet, or they will definitely know that something is up.</p>
<p>“Tim!”</p>
<p>Just as Armie is finding a nice rhythm, Timothée hears his sister cry out his name. So Armie quickly pops up from underneath the covers, and just as Timothée readjusts them, Pauline comes bursting into the room.</p>
<p>“Mom wants to know if you are staying for dinner.”</p>
<p>“Ehm…”</p>
<p>“He is,” Timothée quickly says, wanting to get his sister out of the room as quickly as possible. “Was that it?”</p>
<p>“What do you want to eat? Mom was going to make a quiche, but…”</p>
<p>“Quiche is fine.”</p>
<p>Armie flashes a smile, but Timothée can hear that his voice is shaky, that he knows how much of a close call that was.</p>
<p>“Right… what is going on?” Pauline laughs. “I know that look. Last time you looked like that, I had just walked in on you watching…”</p>
<p>“Don’t.”</p>
<p>“He was watching porn,” Pauline explains, before making a jerking-off movement with her hand.</p>
<p>“I hate you so much.”</p>
<p>“At least I didn’t tell mom,” Pauline laughs. “Does he tell you what kind of stuff he watches?”</p>
<p>“Please leave my room.”</p>
<p>“Oh, I know!” Armie laughs, but when he sees Timothée’s face turning redder and redder, it only makes him laugh more.</p>
<p>“Okay, well, I guess I’ll leave you guys to whatever you were watching.”</p>
<p>“We were not…,” Timothée begins, but before he can even finish his sentence, his sister has already left.</p>
<p>“So what were you watching when she walked in?”</p>
<p>“Nothing.”</p>
<p>“Tell me!” Armie laughs. “Was it any good?”</p>
<p>“I’m going to kill her.”</p>
<p>An uncomfortable silence follows, until Armie lets out a big sigh.</p>
<p>“We can try again another time,” Timothée suggests, his heart starting to beat faster when his best friend looks at him with a small, shy smile on his face. “Unless, you know… I mean… was that…?”</p>
<p>“It wasn’t that bad then?” Armie chuckles nervously.</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée quickly says, and he almost tells Armie how much he had been enjoying it until his sister had come in. How he wishes it would have gone on for much longer, how he wishes Armie would have made him come. But he doesn’t want to say too much, so he just flashes a reassuring smile, hoping that it’s enough.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“You didn’t have to walk me home,” Armie laughs, as they step into the Hammer home. “I’m pretty sure I can remember where I live, even after that rum cake.”</p>
<p>“I could do with the fresh air.” Timothée shrugs, as they go into the living room. But whereas the living room in the Chalamet home is warm and comfortable, the Hammer living room feels cold and clinical. The family isn’t huddled up on the couch together, watching a movie, or playing a board game. They are all sitting on different sides of the room, their faces buried in a book. There is no talking, no catching up. There is no warmth, and although Timothée knows he should be used to it by now, it still sends the chills through his body every time he sees it.</p>
<p>“Mom?”</p>
<p>“Oh, hi darling. Timothée,” Dru says, a polite smile on her face. “Did you have a nice time?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but we ehm… is it okay if Timmy comes up to my room?”</p>
<p>Dru checks out the clock, and she shares a look with her husband, before looking back at the teenagers.</p>
<p>“Ten minutes.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, mom,” Armie quickly says, before leading Timothée up to his room. And even though they have been friends for years, Timothée has only been here a handful of times, because Armie isn’t allowed to have people in his room. So the fact that he is here, especially after what had happened that morning, it makes him feel a rush of excitement.</p>
<p>“They know who I am by now, right? Why can’t I be here?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know.” Armie shrugs. “They don’t want me to have people in my room.”</p>
<p>“I get that they don’t want you up here with a girl, but…”</p>
<p>“But what?” Armie laughs. “It’s safe to have you up here? You know I hadn’t really kissed anyone until we kissed, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you did. You kissed that ehm… what’s her name? Harry’s sister.”</p>
<p>“When I was eleven. That wasn’t a real kiss,” Armie laughs. “My parents would kill me if they found out what we’re doing.”</p>
<p>“Why?” Timothée shrugs. “It’s not like we’re the only guys who do it.”</p>
<p>“You know what they’re like.”</p>
<p>“Because they’re religious?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I guess,” Armie sighs, as he sits down on his bed. “I’m not even allowed to do that stuff with a girl, unless we’re married, so…”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t that make you sad?”</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah. Look at all the girls I’ve had to fight off. It’s been a real struggle,” Armie laughs, when his best friend sits down next to him.</p>
<p>“But don’t you want to have a girlfriend, and just…”</p>
<p>“Fuck her?” Armie whispers, a mischievous smile on her face. “Sometimes, yeah. But it’s not the end of the world to have to wait, is it?”</p>
<p>“Is that why you want to do this?” Timothée asks, not sure if he should have kept the thought to himself, but it’s too late now. “Because you can’t do it with a girl?”</p>
<p>“No,” Armie laughs. “I told you, my parents are definitely not okay with this either. If I was going to go against them, just because I was sick of waiting, I wouldn’t...”</p>
<p>Armie sighs, an embarrassed look on his face, but when Timothée nudges him in the arm, a smile forms on his face.</p>
<p>“I was curious, Timmy. Not about all this stuff in general, not about girls, but about this, you know? About what it feels like to do those things with a guy,” Armie admits, and Timothée nods.</p>
<p>“Have you ever…”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You’re straight, right?” Timothée whispers. “You’ve never questioned it, or…?”</p>
<p>“No, of course not. I like girls. I want to have a girlfriend. That’s not what this is about.”</p>
<p>Timothée looks up at the movie poster on the wall, but when he feels Armie carefully grabbing his hand, he looks back at him.</p>
<p>“Timmy…”</p>
<p>“Yeah, me too,” Timothée quickly says, before pulling his hand away from Armie’s. He gets up, and he wants to leave the room, wants to get away from Armie, from this conversation. But as he is about to open the door, he turns back around. “What if I’m not? Straight, I mean.”</p>
<p>“You’re gay?”</p>
<p>“No!”</p>
<p>“Right…”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Timothée admits, his heart almost beating out of his chest, when he sees the look on his friend’s face. “I had never even thought about it, not until we… you know… but I didn’t mind kissing you,” he explains, keeping his voice down, making sure Armie’s family won’t hear. “And when we watched that stuff… I liked it, Armie.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I liked it too. But that doesn’t mean we’re gay,” Armie laughs. “You still want to go out with girls, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I think so.” Timothée nods. “I don’t really go out with anyone though, so…”</p>
<p>“Do you want us to stop? If it’s confusing you, we shouldn’t be doing it.”</p>
<p>“I’m not confused,” Timothée says, but when Armie comes up to him, and he sees the knowing smile on his face, he just wraps his arms around him, and he lets himself be held until they hear Dru shouting out from downstairs, telling them the ten minutes is up.</p>
<p>“I should go home,” Timothée mumbles into his friend’s shoulder, before freeing himself from his grip. “I’m sorry, for…”</p>
<p>“I like it too, Timmy. But it’s not worth it if you’re going to freak out on me.”</p>
<p>“I’m not freaking out, I promise. You’re right. I definitely liked the girls I went out with, so…” Timothée shrugs, feeling more than just a little uncomfortable. “Maybe I should just go out and find myself a girlfriend again.”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Armie laughs. “I heard some guys at school talking about this dating app, so… but don’t go for the girls at school again. You don’t want to end up in the school toilets again, right?”</p>
<p>“Definitely not. It was horrible, she…”</p>
<p>“Timothée?” Dru shouts up the stairs, and the two teenagers share a knowing look, before giving each other another hug.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>“Oh, and Timmy? Are we still on for the ehm… whatever it is you wanted to show me?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, we are.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>https://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. “You’re not enjoying it?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Timothée had been a little nervous to face Armie again after last night’s conversation, and he had already decided he was going to try and laugh it off, blame the rum cake if he had to. But Armie hadn’t brought it up, and it was like the conversation hadn’t happened at all. So they had gone on as they had always done, and after school, Timothée had waited for Armie so they could walk back home together.</p>
<p>Timothée had grabbed them something to drink, but when they had gone up to his room, Armie hadn’t sat down on the couch, ready for another round of video games. Instead, he had sat down on the bed, a curious, but excited look on his face.</p>
<p>“You’re not backing out now, are you?” Armie laughs. “Show me!”</p>
<p>“Show you what?” Timothée shrugs, trying to keep a straight face as he opens his can of soda.</p>
<p>“The thing you were talking about yesterday.”</p>
<p>“I don’t remember talking about a thing.”</p>
<p>“Timmy!” Armie laughs. “Don’t make me…”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>Timothée raises an eyebrow, but when Armie gets up to grab the laptop from his desk, he gives it up.</p>
<p>“It’s not on there. I mean, it is, I guess, but… do you remember the first movie we watched?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course,” Armie says. “You don’t want to invite a group of guys here, right? Because if so, I am out. I told you, man…”</p>
<p>“No! But before they started fucking…,” Timothée begins, but he can feel himself getting nervous, and he sees how the can in his hand is beginning to shake. “When they were on the bed, and he touched the other guy…”</p>
<p>“Yeah, there was a lot of touching going on,” Armie chuckles nervously, but Timothée can tell that he isn’t catching on yet.</p>
<p>“When he touched his ass,” he tries, and Armie opens his mouth to speak, but as he is about to say something, he seems to realize what Timothée is saying, because he starts laughing nervously.</p>
<p>“You told me to tell you, so don’t laugh at me.”</p>
<p>“I’m not laughing at you, Timmy,” Armie quickly says, but he starts laughing again, and Timothée folds his arms in front of his chest, a hurt, embarrassed look on his face. “I’m sorry, man, I just… so you want to… do you want me to do that to you, or…?”</p>
<p>Timothée shrugs, still hurt by his best friend’s reaction. But Armie steps up to him, and he puts his hands on his shoulders, a nervous smile on his face.</p>
<p>“I am not laughing at you, I promise. I’m just feeling… I don’t even know. Is it bad that I’m feeling a little turned on that you want to do this?” Armie asks, his clammy hands still on Timothée’s shoulders.</p>
<p>“It’s not too much?”</p>
<p>“I sucked your dick, Timmy. I think I can handle this,” Armie chuckles, before stepping away from him. Timothée almost tells him that he wants to finish what they had started the other day, but he keeps the words to himself, as Armie sits down on the bed again.</p>
<p>“So do you want to like… do it to me, or…”</p>
<p>“What do you want?” Armie asks. “This is your idea, so you tell me what you want.”</p>
<p>“I ehm…”</p>
<p>“Timmy!” Armie laughs. “Are you really going to be like this every time we do this? Just tell me. I told you too, right?”</p>
<p>“Then I should ehm…,” Timothée nervously mumbles, before nudging his head into the direction of the door. “I’ll just go wash my hands?”</p>
<p>“Good. I’ll be here, waiting.” Armie grins, and Timothée can’t help but smile when he sees the look on his friend’s face. There is no judgement, no repulsion, as he had been afraid to see. And as he leaves his room to go to the bathroom, he feels himself finally starting to relax. He had been so scared to take it a step too far, but when he had just seen the look on Armie’s face, he realized that even if he was going to suggest something that Armie didn’t want to do, he wouldn’t be judged for it. Armie would simply tell him no, and that would be that. It would not be the end of their friendship, and it would not be the end of the world.</p>
<p>When he steps back into his room, he makes sure to close his door, just in case, before crashing down next to Armie on the bed.</p>
<p>“Do you want to just get going, or…”</p>
<p>“Make out a little first?” Timothée laughs, but when Armie just looks at him, he quickly adds, “That was a joke, you know, because those guys made out before they…”</p>
<p>“I don’t mind making out.” Armie shrugs. “If that’s what you want to do.”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>Timothée leans in, feeling a little nervous about kissing his best friend again. But as soon as Armie brings their mouths together, and he lays his hand down on his waist, Timothée can feel himself relaxing into it. He can feel Armie’s hand slowly sliding towards his back, before making its way down towards his ass, where it rests, and he wishes he was brave enough to touch Armie like that too, but he can’t stop thinking about what they are about to do. And Armie seems to notice, because he stops kissing him, and he quickly takes his hand off his ass.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, man, was that weird?”</p>
<p>“No, I just… I’m a little nervous.”</p>
<p>“Me too,” Armie admits. “That’s why I thought this would help, but it’s not working, is it?”</p>
<p>“Not really,” Timothée chuckles.</p>
<p>“Let’s just do it, right?” Armie suggests, before glancing down. “So I guess I better take these off, huh?”</p>
<p>He quickly gets out of his jeans and underwear, and he throws them down onto the floor, before turning to face Timothée again.</p>
<p>“How do you want to do this?” he asks. “I’m not as flexible as the guy from the movie, so…”</p>
<p>“Just lie down on your back, that’s fine,” Timothée can hear himself say, but even though he knows he is watching Armie as he is making himself comfortable, fluffing up the pillow, before lying down on his back, he feels like he is having an out-of-body experience. It feels like it isn’t really him who is watching it happen, so he takes a few deep breaths, before sitting up, and getting the tub of lotion out of his drawer.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe I’m about to…,” Armie begins, but when he sees Timothée’s face, he just laughs.</p>
<p>“We don’t have to do this.”</p>
<p>“Oh, we are doing this,” Armie laughs, as Timothée positions himself in between his legs. “But be careful, yeah? I’m pretty sure I will cry if you do it the way that guy did it.”</p>
<p>“Cry-baby,” Timothée laughs, a teasing grin on his face. “Don’t worry, I’ll take it slow. Are you sure about this?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Armie nods, and he flashes a nervous smile, before closing his eyes.</p>
<p>Timothée brings a lubed up finger to Armie’s asshole, but even though he has been thinking about this for days, now that they are here, he hesitates to actually go through with it. It takes him a minute to build up the courage to touch him, but when he ever so carefully brushes his finger over Armie’s entrance, he hears him gasp for air.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Mhm,” Armie mumbles, his eyes still closed. “Go on.”</p>
<p>Timothée carefully pushes the tip of his finger in, and he can see Armie clenching his jaw, as he grabs onto the sheets. But he doesn’t say anything, so Timothée pushes his finger in further, ever so carefully, before pulling it out again.</p>
<p>“Is that okay?”</p>
<p>“Keep going,” Armie says, and Timothée can’t help but smile. He does as he is told, and this time he is a little less careful as he starts pushing his finger in and out. His stomach feels like it is doing cartwheels, and he can’t deny that the thought of being inside of Armie, the feeling of his tight asshole, it is making him feel things he has never felt before. But he tries to focus on what he is doing, and when Armie lets out a load moan, his eyes shooting open, he quickly pulls out.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry!”</p>
<p>“No!” Armie quickly says, before looking down. “Do that again!”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Definitely,” Armie laughs, and this time he watches as Timothée pushes a finger into him. Timothée is fully aware of Armie’s eyes on him, and it almost makes him want to take it a step further, just to see what he would do.</p>
<p>“Fuck!” Armie cries out, but Timothée knows that this is a good cry. So he keeps going, and every time he hears Armie making a sound, it only makes him want to keep going. He carefully tries to pick up the pace, and when Armie doesn’t stop him, it makes him feel a strange sense of satisfaction. That, mixed with seeing Armie’s hard dick, with hearing his cries of pleasure, it is making Timothée hard too. But he doesn’t want to think about that right now. He only wants to think about Armie, whose face is flushed, beads of sweat beginning to form on his forehead.</p>
<p>“Fuck, Timmy!” he cries out again, and there is something in his voice that makes Timothée look up. He is still pushing his finger into him, over and over again, and he is about to say something about how he could get used to this, when he watches Armie come.</p>
<p>“Oh, shit!” Armie blurts out, when he looks down, and he sees the cum on his t-shirt.</p>
<p>Timothée quickly pulls out, and he runs over to the bathroom to get a washcloth. But when he gets back, Armie has already taken off his shirt, and he is standing over the bed, looking down at his stained shirt, which is now laying there, crumpled up into a mess.</p>
<p>“My parents are going to kill me!”</p>
<p>“No, don’t worry about it,” Timothée quickly says, and he tries his best to clean up the shirt, but he knows that Armie can’t go home in it, not like this. “I’ll throw it in the wash, say you spilled something on it. Just take one of my shirts. No one will know.”</p>
<p>“If someone finds out…”</p>
<p>“Armie, no one will know,” Timothée says, and he flashes a reassuring smile. “Go on, you get cleaned up, I’ll throw this in the wash.”</p>
<p>Timothée picks up the t-shirt, and he quickly leaves his room, his heart still beating out of his chest because of what has just happened, and when he gets back to his room, he lies down on his bed.</p>
<p>But when Armie comes in, naked, water drops glistening on his chest, he feels his insides stirring, and he quickly looks away.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Armie asks as he gets dressed.</p>
<p>“I really liked that, Armie,” Timothée admits, his face still turned the other way, but when Armie lies down next to him, he can’t avoid facing him anymore. “Like, <em>really </em>liked that.”</p>
<p>“Me too,” Armie whispers, a shy smile on his face. “You know, if you ever want to do that again…”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I do.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Armie asks, as he brings his hand up to the side of Timothée’s neck. He presses a quick kiss to his lips, the shy smile still on his face. “Me too, Timmy.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Did you see…?”</p>
<p>“Are you looking for your t-shirt?” Pauline asks, and by the glint in her eyes, Timothée knows that she has found the shirt in the wash. “Is it new? I’ve never seen that one before.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Pauline asks, raising an eyebrow. “I saw Armie wearing one the other day that looked exactly like it.”</p>
<p>“He spilled a drink on it.”</p>
<p>“A drink.”</p>
<p>“Stop playing,” Timothée spits out, the panicked feeling in his stomach growing by the second. But when his sister closes the door, before sitting down on the couch with him, he just sighs, too tired to argue with her. “How did you know?”</p>
<p>“Really?” Pauline asks, a mischievous grin on her face. “Don’t worry, I found it, cleaned it up for you, mom doesn’t know a thing.”</p>
<p>“Thanks.”</p>
<p>“So how did he ehm… why was his dirty shirt in our wash? Did he hook up with a girl at school, or…?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“He had an accident while you were playing your video game?” Pauline suggests, a knowing look on her face. “You sucked his dick?”</p>
<p>“No!”</p>
<p>“Then what happened?”</p>
<p>“Nothing.”</p>
<p>“Nothing?” Pauline laughs. “Come on, Tim, you know you can tell me, right? What happened?”</p>
<p>“We just… nothing,” Timothée sighs, because as much as he would like to open up to his sister about what is happening between him and Armie, he knows that he can’t. It wouldn’t be fair on Armie to share their secret with someone else, even if it’s Pauline.</p>
<p>“Did you guys have sex?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“So you’re not like, a couple or something?” Pauline asks. “You know it doesn’t matter, right? Mom and dad don’t care if you’re gay, or whatever.”</p>
<p>“It isn’t like that.”</p>
<p>“Then what’s it like? Are you guess just jerking off together?” Pauline asks, but the words seem harsh to Timothée, and he looks down at his hands, an embarrassed look on his face. “Relax, I know tons of guys who jerk off together. Or who have experimented together. It’s really not a big deal.”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>“So what’s with the look on your face? You’re not enjoying it?”</p>
<p>“I am,” Timothée admits, before finally looking up at his sister again.</p>
<p>“So? You guys are young, you’re both single, so do whatever you want to do. If you want to have fun and experiment, go for it. Don’t stress yourself out over it.”</p>
<p>“You make it sound like it’s nothing.”</p>
<p>“It isn’t. And if you are gay, who cares?” Pauline shrugs. “Just enjoy yourself while you can, yeah? Before you know it, you meet someone, and they want to keep you tied down. So have fun with Armie, and stop worrying about what it means, or what it doesn’t mean.”</p>
<p>“You don’t think it’s weird?”</p>
<p>“No,” Pauline laughs. “You’re not the first guy to decide he wants to have sex with another guy, you know? I’ll bet half the guys in your school have at least once touched another guy’s dick. So relax, Tim, and just enjoy it.”</p>
<p>“You won’t tell mom and dad, will you?”</p>
<p>“Of course not. But I am telling you, if they do find out, they won’t care. They’ll probably give you a packet of condoms, a bottle of lube, and an instruction manual on gay sex. You know what they’re like,” Pauline laughs, and Timothée can’t help but smile. “But ehm… isn’t Armie’s family like, against everything…”</p>
<p>“Gay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“They are. But Armie isn’t gay,” Timothée quickly says, but his sister just nods. “It’s not about that, it’s just…”</p>
<p>“What if they find out?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, but that’s why you can’t tell anyone. I don’t want Armie to know that you know either. If he finds out I’ve told you…”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry. And if you ever need someone to cover for you, just tell me, okay? I don’t want you guys to get into trouble,” Pauline says, before giving her brother a big hug. “Just try to enjoy it, yeah?”</p>
<p>She gets up, and she is about to leave the room, but then she turns around, a big grin on her face.</p>
<p>“When I came in the other day, and you were looking really shifty… I was interrupting something, wasn’t I?”</p>
<p>“Please leave.”</p>
<p>“What were you doing?”</p>
<p>“Nothing,” Timothée says, but he knows that his sister sees right through him, and that she will not leave until he has told her. “Blowjob.”</p>
<p>“I knew it!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't even know. 🙈 </p>
<p>https://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. “So we stop?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Timothée is lying on his bed, his earbuds in, trying his best to let the music take him somewhere else, somewhere far away from the real world. Because he had gotten into an argument at school, and he is pretty sure that if Armie hadn’t dragged him away, it would have turned physical. He has never actually fought anyone, but these last few weeks he has been feeling much more tense than usual, and when that guy had made a joke about his shirt, about how he had seen Pauline wearing it the other week, he had just snapped, and he had let all of his frustration and his anger that has been building up come out. It wasn’t even about the shirt, or about the guy, but once he had started to yell at him, he just hadn’t been able to stop himself.</p>
<p>He was still angry when he got home, so he had gone up to his room, hoping to avoid seeing his sister or his parents, because they would definitely know something was up, the minute they laid eyes on him.</p>
<p>The music is just starting to make him feel like he can breathe again, when he feels a heavy weight crashing down on his bed. It scares him enough to set his every sense on edge again, but when he opens his eyes, and he finds Armie sitting there, a sheepish grin on his face, he just rolls his eyes.</p>
<p>“Your mom let me in.”</p>
<p>“I thought you had to go home after school? I would have waited for you if…”</p>
<p>“You looked like you could do with having me here today.” Armie shrugs. “What was all that about?”</p>
<p>“I am just having a really shitty day.”</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Timothée lies, but when Armie keeps staring at him, he sighs. “Remember what I told you? When I went home with you the other week?”</p>
<p>“Of course. Is that why you’ve been so worked up? Because you think you might be gay?”</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée quickly says, but then he nods, a nervous look on his face. “It’s not because of what we do, or because I like it when…”</p>
<p>“I touch your dick?” Armie teases, but when Timothée shoots a panicked look into the direction of his door, he chuckles. “Don’t worry, man, your parents and Pauline are buying dinner. They left when I got here.”</p>
<p>“Oh… but yeah, it’s not because of that. I mean, I’m not into you,” Timothée quickly says. “No offence.”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>“But when I think about what I want, like… yeah, I want a girlfriend, but…”</p>
<p>“But you wouldn’t mind having a boyfriend either?” Armie suggests, the blush on his friend’s face growing darker. “Maybe you’re bi.”</p>
<p>“Maybe.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, man, if I’d had known you would get like this, I wouldn’t have suggested we… you know… I didn’t know you were even thinking about this.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t,” Timothée admits. “But now that we’ve been… doing stuff… yeah, maybe I like guys.”</p>
<p>“So we stop?”</p>
<p>“You don’t want a gay guy touching you?” Timothée asks, and although he makes it out to be a joke, Armie can see the hurt look on his face.</p>
<p>“Timmy, I don’t care if you’re gay or not. But I know you, the way you were today, fighting that guy… that’s not you. So if all of this is doing that to you, we stop doing it.”</p>
<p>“Do you want to stop?”</p>
<p>“No.” Armie grins. “You know I don’t. But I want it to be something we both want to do, something we both try out together. I don’t want to be the one to get my… whatever, when all you get from it is stress and anxiety.”</p>
<p>“I am not stressing out.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, right,” Armie laughs. “So you would’ve fought that guy anyway?”</p>
<p>“No… but if we stop doing this, I’ll still be thinking about it, you know? I’m not… <em>maybe gay</em> because you sucked my dick. It’s not because of what we’re doing.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Armie laughs. “Look, man, if we keep doing this, I’m all for it. But if you’re done with it, I’m fine with that. I know you got this new game the other day, so I’m sure we won’t have trouble finding a way to pass the time.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure you’re okay with me even talking about this?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?” Armie shrugs. “Because of what we’re doing? I know it has nothing to do with that, Timmy. I do the same thing, and I’m not gay, so…”</p>
<p>“I mean, because of your parents. I know what they say about people who are gay, and I know we don’t really talk about it, but… you would be okay with it, right? It wouldn’t end our friendship or anything?”</p>
<p>“I am not my parents. I believe in most of the things they believe in, but not everything. If you want to be with a guy, I don’t care. You’re still my best friend, and if you’re happy, then… whatever. It’s none of my business, right?” Armie says, a reassuring smile on his face.</p>
<p>“And it’ll leave more girls for you.”</p>
<p>“Exactly!” Armie laughs, but Timothée can see something changing in his face, and for a moment, he worries he has messed it up by telling him the truth. But when he sees the mischievous grin forming on his face, he can already tell what he is thinking.</p>
<p>“You're seriously thinking about sucking my dick right now?”</p>
<p>“How did you know?” Armie laughs.</p>
<p>“Because you tried to bring it up the other day before my mom walked in,” Timothée laughs, before glancing over to his bedroom door. “Do you think they’ll be out long?”</p>
<p>“Long enough.”</p>
<p>“Yeah? Or are you going to leave me hanging again, like last time?”</p>
<p>“That was not my fault! What did you want me to do? Keep going while your sister was in the room?” Armie laughs. “Just be glad she didn’t walk in sooner.”</p>
<p>“She wouldn’t care.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want her to know,” Armie quickly says, and Timothée nods, feeling guilty because Pauline already knows. But he knows he can’t tell Armie, because it would more likely than not mess this up, even though Pauline won’t tell anyone. “Not that I’m ashamed or anything, but I just don’t want people to know. You get that, right?”</p>
<p>“Of course, I don’t want them to know either. You know what they will say, so… better to keep it to ourselves, right?”</p>
<p>“Exactly. I don’t want to have to drag your ass out of a fight every five minutes,” Armie teases, before glancing down at Timothée’s crotch.</p>
<p>Timothée hesitates for a moment, because he can still feel the tension in his body, but then he unzips his jeans, and he wiggles them down to his knees, together with his boxers. And although they have had their dicks out quite a few times since the first time they had jerked each other off, this feels different, because being the only one to strip off, it feels more vulnerable. Still, he relaxes back, and he watches as Armie leans down, as he grabs a hold of his dick, before wrapping his mouth around it. His eyes are full of determination, and when he had done this last time, it had felt nervous, it had felt clumsy, but this feels like he knows exactly what he is doing. He knows what he wants, and he won’t hesitate to reach the end-goal.</p>
<p>Timothée wonders if, when they had been watching porn together, he had been studying techniques. If not only he was trying to remember things he wanted to try out some time, but he was actually trying to learn a thing or two. But he doesn’t have long to think about it, because he can already feel an orgasm starting to build up.</p>
<p>“Armie?”</p>
<p>Armie looks up with big, expecting eyes, his hand still on Timothée’s dick, and all Timothée wishes he could do is put his body on pause, make himself last for as long as possible. But the feeling of Armie’s mouth on his dick, and seeing it happen, seeing how much Armie is enjoying it, it is simply too much to handle.</p>
<p>“I’m going to come,” he admits, and when he sees the disappointed look on Armie’s face, he feels even more embarrassed.</p>
<p>“Already?”</p>
<p>“Sorry…”</p>
<p>“Fuck, I knew it was better than last time, but…,” Armie laughs, before wrapping his mouth around his dick again. Timothée was expecting him to start jerking him off now, and he almost tells him to stop, but then it hits him that Armie is choosing to do this. He wants to be sucking his dick when he comes. That thought is enough to send him over the edge, and he watches as his best friend’s face flushes, but his mouth never leaves his dick.</p>
<p>“Wow,” Timothée laughs, when Armie finally sits up, a big grin on his face. “You just…”</p>
<p>“I sucked your dick,” Armie simply states, before helping Timothée pull his jeans back up. “I actually enjoyed it,” he chuckles. “Fuck!”</p>
<p>Timothée is about to say something, but when they hear the door downstairs getting slammed shut, before voices can be heard, he just sighs.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Armie whispers, as he puts his hand on his best friend’s thigh. “Did I hurt you?”</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée quickly whispers, before flashing a nervous smile. “Kiss me?”</p>
<p>Armie doesn’t hesitate to kiss him, and although it’s a short kiss, a kiss between friends, worlds apart from when they had kissed the other week, it’s enough to reassure Timothée that things are still okay between them.</p>
<p>“Come on, let’s go help your mom make dinner.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing!” Pauline says, as she snuggles up to her brother, who is out in the backyard, a blanket wrapped around him. “Are you trying to kill yourself?”</p>
<p>“What? By freezing myself to death? I think the blanket…”</p>
<p>“You look like shit, Tim,” Pauline interrupts him, pulling the blanket up to her chin. “Is this about the ehm… the Armie thing? It didn’t get weird between you guys, right?”</p>
<p>“No, it’s all good.”</p>
<p>“So what’s with the moping then?”</p>
<p>“I’m not moping.”</p>
<p>“Tim! You’ve been out here for hours, staring at a bunch of dead flowers. It’s depressing to watch. So what’s this about?” Pauline asks. “A girl? A boy? Armie?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Girl or boy?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Timothée repeats, and Pauline hesitates for a moment, before flashing a knowing smile. “I think I might be into guys.”</p>
<p>“And you’re moping because?”</p>
<p>“I just told you.”</p>
<p>“No, you told me you think you’re gay, or bi, or…”</p>
<p>“Stop acting like it’s nothing, Pauline! It’s a big deal, okay? It is to me,” Timothée admits. “I don’t want to be the gay guy. I’m about to study theatre, and I don’t want to be some fucking stereotype.”</p>
<p>“Is that what this is about? You’re scared what people will think? Who cares, Tim? So you’re gay, big fucking deal. Do you really want to spend your last months at home freezing yourself to death because you like guys? Seriously, get over yourself.”</p>
<p>Timothée opens his mouth to object, because he doesn’t want to be told off by his sister, but her words are starting to get through to him, and he knows that she is just giving him tough love to make him see sense.</p>
<p>“Mom and dad couldn’t care less,” Pauline continues. “I don’t care. The rest of the family won’t care. So why should you care about what some random douchebag might think? Did you tell Armie? Is that why you’re out here? What did he say? Because I will kick his ass if…”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t care,” Timothée says, beginning to feel stupid for letting this get to him so much. “But I care.”</p>
<p>“Why? I know guys are shit, but… you’ll find a nice guy. Once you’re in New York, you’ll be struggling to fight them off. Look at you!” Pauline smiles, as she wraps her arm around her brother’s shoulder. “Now stop it, okay?”</p>
<p>“I’m not even sure if I am gay.”</p>
<p>“Is this because of what’s going on between you and Armie? Are you in love with him?”</p>
<p>“No! But when we… it doesn’t matter,” Timothée quickly says, his face turning a dark shade of red.</p>
<p>“When you’re having sex?”</p>
<p>“I’m not having this conversation with you.”</p>
<p>“Fine, then talk to mom.” Pauline grins, “Has it made you realize that that is what you like?”</p>
<p>“I guess.”</p>
<p>“That’s a good thing, right? Have you told Armie that?”</p>
<p>Timothée nods, his heart beating so fast that he is starting to feel dizzy. But he is more than grateful for his sister’s support, and he grabs onto her hand, which is still on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Do you like him?”</p>
<p>“Not like that.”</p>
<p>“So if he told you he wanted to turn this… experimenting, into something real, you would tell him no?” Pauline asks, but Timothée just shrugs. “He’s hot, isn’t he?”</p>
<p>“Yeah…”</p>
<p>“And the kind of guy you can bring home to mom and dad…”</p>
<p>“And he’s straight,” Timothée laughs.</p>
<p>“Are you sure about that?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Shame.” Pauline smiles. “But I’m sure you’ll meet a great guy in New York. Not if you stay out here though, because I swear you’ll catch your death. So come on, let’s go in. And no more moping!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>https://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. “Do you like boys?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Timothée is still trying to catch his breath from getting his dick sucked again, so he watches in silence as Armie gets up off the couch, as he makes his way over to the bookcase, a pensive look on his face. Timothée has known him long enough to know when something is on his mind, but after what they have just done, this is not the look he wants to see.</p>
<p>“If you don’t want to do that again, you can just say so,” he says, before zipping his jeans back up, feeling really vulnerable right now. “Or if you want to try something else…”</p>
<p>“My parents don’t want me to spend the night here anymore.”</p>
<p>“What? Why? They didn’t find out, did they?”</p>
<p>“No, not about this. But I always told them you guys had a guest room, so when I sleep here…”</p>
<p>“You’re not allowed to share a bed with someone else,” Timothée realizes. “How did they find out?”</p>
<p>“I said something stupid, about your mom waking us up, and I don’t even know, man, I didn’t even realize I was saying we were in the same room. But they freaked out, so I tried to tell them I slept on the couch, but…” Armie shrugs, looking embarrassed. “They were going to call your parents.”</p>
<p>“You’re eighteen! You can’t even sleep in the same bed as me? It’s not as if…”</p>
<p>“We’re fucking?” Armie suggests, Timothée’s face turning a dark shade of red. “I know what you’re saying, Timmy, but while I live under their roof, I have to follow their rules.”</p>
<p>“So you can’t stay over anymore? What if I get my mom to call your parents?”</p>
<p>“Maybe it’s for the best, right?”</p>
<p>“What are you talking about?”</p>
<p>“This, it’s… I don’t know, man. Every time I’m in bed with you, I just want to…,” Armie tries, but he is struggling to find the right words, so Timothée gets up, and he goes over to him to give him a hug.</p>
<p>“I want it too, Armie. That’s why we’re doing this, right? Because we both want it.”</p>
<p>“I want to fuck you, Timmy,” Armie admits, and Timothée lets go of him. “I thought I just wanted to see what it would be like to kiss a guy, but then we got each other off, and then all I could think about was what it would be like to suck your dick. And now I just… I know I’m messed up, but…”</p>
<p>“It’s not messed up,” Timothée quickly says. “I’ve been thinking about it too.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Maybe we shouldn’t have watched all that porn, huh?” Timothée chuckles uncomfortably, but when Armie flashes a nervous smile, he sighs.</p>
<p>“I’m straight, and here I am, talking about fucking a guy. My best friend,” Armie laughs, shaking his head, as though it is only just now starting to get through to him. “It’s going to be weird, right?”</p>
<p>“If we try out the stuff from that movie the other day, yeah,” Timothée laughs. “I don’t think I can even bend my leg that way. I would probably end up in hospital.”</p>
<p>“Good luck having to explain that one!”</p>
<p>An uncomfortable silence follows, until Armie places his hand on the side of Timothée’s neck, a nervous smile on his face.</p>
<p>“I love you, man.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mom? Do you have a minute?”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Nicole says, as Timothée joins her on the couch. “What do you want to talk about?”</p>
<p>“Armie isn’t allowed to stay over anymore. His parents found out we’re sleeping in the same bed, the same room even, and he’s not allowed to do that, so… he told them he’s sleeping in the guest room, but…” Timothée rambles, and his mother nods.</p>
<p>“The guest room?”</p>
<p>“Can you call them and tell them he’s always sleeping on the couch? That we’re not sharing a bed?”</p>
<p>“You want me to lie to Armie’s parents?” Nicole asks, an uncomfortable look on her face. “What is their problem anyway? You have been friends for years, so what does it matter if you sleep in the same bed? I understand they don’t want him to share a bed with a girl, but…,” she continues, but when she sees the look on her son’s face, she flashes a knowing smile. “Does Armie like boys? Is that why they don’t want him to sleep in your room?”</p>
<p>“No, of course not.”</p>
<p>“Do you?”</p>
<p>“Do I…?”</p>
<p>“Do you like boys?” Nicole asks, and Timothée can feel his insides getting all wrangled up. It feels like everything is starting to happen in slow-motion, and for the longest time he can only stare at his mother. But then he nods, his heart beating so loud, that his heartbeat is all he can hear, until his mother finally opens her mouth again.</p>
<p>“The boys are lucky to have you,” she says, before pulling her son in for a hug. “I’ll give Armie’s parents a call, but I’m not promising anything. I don’t want to lie to them.”</p>
<p>“I know. Thank you.”</p>
<p>“And Tim?” Nicole asks, before letting go of her son. “I’m proud of you.”</p>
<p>Timothée flashes an uncomfortable, crooked grin, before getting up, and running up the stairs. He slams the door shut behind him, before picking up his phone to tell Armie about what has just happened. But when he starts typing, he changes his mind, and he quickly deletes the message.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“What did you tell them?” Armie laughs, after his parents have dropped him off at the Chalamet’s for Thanksgiving. “I wasn’t allowed to spend the night here, then you called, and…”</p>
<p>“I may have told your mother a little white lie. If she asks, you sleep on the couch.” Nicole grins, before giving Armie a big hug. “I’m so glad you’re here, honey. Your mother told me you were meant to fly to Europe to visit family? What happened to that?”</p>
<p>“Timmy told me you invited me, so I asked my parents, and they were okay with it.” Armie shrugs. “Seriously, I don’t know what you told them, but…”</p>
<p>“Whatever they say, just go along with it,” Nicole laughs, before disappearing into the kitchen.</p>
<p>“She’s not actually going to make me sleep on the couch, is she?” Armie whispers, and Timothée can’t help but laugh.</p>
<p>“No, don’t worry. She doesn’t care if we sleep together,” he laughs, before quickly adding, “In the same bed, I mean. Not…”</p>
<p>“I know,” Armie laughs, as he picks his bag up off the floor.</p>
<p>“You know you’re not getting a big Hammer Thanksgiving dinner here, right?” Timothée asks, as they go up to his room. “My mom makes a great roast, but it’s not…”</p>
<p>“I don’t care, man, I’m just happy to be here,” Armie says, and Timothée is about to make a joke, but when he sees his best friend’s face, he realizes that he isn’t kidding. “Don’t get me wrong, our Thanksgivings are great, but you know what my family is like. The rest of my family is the same. So it’s not exactly… you know…”</p>
<p>“We play shitty board games and we watch old movies.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Armie smiles. “That’s why I’m here. Remember that Christmas my dad had to work, so we didn’t get to celebrate Christmas? So your parents invited me here?”</p>
<p>“Mhm.”</p>
<p>“You know that was the best Christmas I’ve ever had, right?” Armie admits, and Timothée can’t help but smile, because he remembers it very well. His mother had burned dinner, dessert had ended up on the floor, Pauline had thrown a fit because she had gotten a cd from the wrong band, and Monopoly had ended with a whole lot of frustration. There had been so many other Christmases that had been better, so to hear that that Christmas had meant so much to Armie, it makes Timothée feel a warmth in the pit of his stomach.</p>
<p>“How about you spend Christmas with us again this year?”</p>
<p>“No,” Armie laughs, an uncomfortable look on his face. “It’s your last Christmas together before you go to New York. I don’t want to…”</p>
<p>“Armie, you’re part of the family. I want you here, okay? So think about it.”</p>
<p>They crash down on the couch, and without even discussing it, they start playing one of their video games. But Timothée can still remember his conversation with his mother the other week, and although he hasn’t told Armie about it, something holding him back so far, he feels like he is keeping a secret from him, and they have never had any secrets from each other in all the years they have known each other. It makes him feel horrible, and he keeps losing the game, because he just can’t get himself to concentrate.</p>
<p>“What’s going on with you today?” Armie finally asks, but Timothée just shrugs. “You want to do something else? Want to see if we can help your mom?”</p>
<p>“I came out to her,” Timothée blurts out, and a long, uncomfortable silence follows. “I also told Pauline,” he finally adds, and Armie nods. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Sorry?” he laughs nervously. “Because you came out to your mom and your sister? What did they say?”</p>
<p>“Not much.” Timothée shrugs. “My mom hugged me, and Pauline told me she didn’t care.”</p>
<p>“So you are gay?”</p>
<p>“I think so. I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“But you came out to them?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, because I know I like guys,” Timothée admits, his hands clammy and shaky, because it’s one thing to say you have doubts, but this feels like another coming out, and no matter what Armie has told him, he is still scared of his reaction. “But I think I like girls too.”</p>
<p>“I’m proud of you, man,” Armie says, a smile forming on his face. “and you know how lucky you are, right? With your family, I mean.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.”</p>
<p>Armie looks back up at the screen, but he is picking at the controller, and Timothée can see how uncomfortable he is.</p>
<p>“Are we okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course.”</p>
<p>“I mean, I’m not going to tell anyone at school or anything, so like, your parents won’t find out, or…,” Timothée rambles, until Armie turns his whole body towards him, a serious look on his face.</p>
<p>“I don’t care, Timmy. I love you, yeah?” he whispers, “and you being bi, or gay… that changes nothing.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“You know she’s cheating, right?” Timothée asks, when Pauline picks up the money he has just had to pay her. “She always cheats!”</p>
<p>“I don’t cheat. Just because I’m better at Monopoly, does not mean…”</p>
<p>“You used to cheat, Pauline,” Nicole laughs. “When you were younger, you always…”</p>
<p>“Yeah, because you and Tim always let each other get away without paying. That’s cheating too!”</p>
<p>“Is it always like this?”</p>
<p>“Oh, this is nothing,” Marc laughs, quietly sipping a beer as he watches his family bickering. “You should see them when they have no more money left.”</p>
<p>“… did not fucking cheat, Tim! I bought the fucking hotels, so you have to pay!”</p>
<p>“You weren’t even allowed to buy hotels yet! Mom only let you…”</p>
<p>“Oh, fuck you then!”</p>
<p>Timothée is about to open his mouth, but when he feels Armie’s hand on his thigh, giving a squeeze, he keeps quiet. He looks at him, and he can see him flashing a calming, reassuring smile, and it’s enough for him to give up the argument.</p>
<p>“I bet your family doesn’t argue like this,” Nicole laughs, and Armie looks up at her, his hand still on Timothée’s thigh.</p>
<p>“They hardly even speak to each other.” Armie shrugs, an uncomfortable look on his face.</p>
<p>“So you wouldn’t rather be with them right now?”</p>
<p>“Are you kidding me?” he laughs. “This is the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had. You guys are more of a family to me than…,” he admits, but then his face turns a dark shade of red, and he quickly looks down at the table. “You know… because you’ve always let me stay here, and…”</p>
<p>“You are family, honey.” Nicole smiles, reaching out over the table, so she can give his arm a reassuring squeeze. “You are always welcome here.”</p>
<p>“See?” Timothée asks. “I invited him over for Christmas, but he doesn’t want to come.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t say that.”</p>
<p>“He thinks we don’t want him here because it’s my last Christmas before I go to New York.”</p>
<p>“All the more reason for you to be here,” Pauline says. “Unless your family wants you to spend it with them, of course.”</p>
<p>“But we’d love for you to be here for Christmas.” Nicole smiles. “And I know Tim would love for you to be here too.”</p>
<p>“I do,” Timothée agrees, and underneath the table, he grabs hold of Armie’s hand, which is still resting on his thigh. “I’ll beg if I have to.” He grins, but he can already see from the look on Armie’s face that they have won him over.</p>
<p>“You’re not going to take no for an answer, are you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It had been long after midnight by the time the family had gone their separate ways, and they had gone upstairs, but the two teenagers hadn’t gone to bed right away. They had played a couple more games, until they had gotten too tired. But now that they are in bed, they can’t sleep. So Timothée opens his eyes, and he carefully nudges Armie in the arm. Armie opens his eyes, before bringing his hand up to his best friend’s face, and brushing a curl from his eyes.</p>
<p>“Can I kiss you?” he whispers. Timothée nods, but when Armie brings their mouths together, it doesn’t feel like a kiss between friends. This kiss feels different, and although Timothée would never dare admit it out loud, it feels romantic, it feels like a kiss between lovers. It is making him feel butterflies, but by the time it hits him what the feeling is, Armie has already pulled away.</p>
<p>“I want you to touch me,” Timothée whispers, and without hesitation, Armie kisses him again, his hand sliding down towards his dick. He starts stroking him, but even though the touch is enough to give Timothée shivers all over, right now he truly wants to feel Armie, and not through the fabric of his boxers. So he breaks their kiss, and he wriggles out of his boxers, before throwing them down to the floor. He motions for Armie to do the same, and within seconds, they are kissing again, but their kisses are growing hungry, and this feels different from anything they have done so far. Because sure enough, there had been kisses, and they had tried to make out once, but it hadn’t worked out. And they have gotten each other off dozens of times, but it had been something they had discussed beforehand, there hadn’t been hunger or passion, because they knew that that was not what it was about. But when Armie pulls their bodies together, when, for the first time there is no distance left between them, Timothée doesn’t hesitate to give in to Armie’s touches. Because this is what he wants, what he has wanted ever since Armie had first kissed him. He wants him, and for the first time it hits him that he doesn’t just want what they are doing, but he wants Armie.</p>
<p>He tries to push the thought down, but even after they have gotten each other off, and they are trying to fall sleep again, the thought still keeps running through his mind. Because what if this has turned into something more to him than experimenting together? What if, just maybe, he has actually fallen for his best friend?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>https://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. “I am going to kill you.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Timothée and Armie are on their way to a Christmas party thrown by a friend from school. But the walk has been quiet, and Timothée is starting to feel a little uncomfortable, because nothing else has happened between him and Armie since Thanksgiving, and no matter how many times he keeps telling himself that it’s because they’ve been too caught up in their new game, or that it’s because it just hasn’t come up anymore, he can’t help but wonder if Armie has somehow found out that he is starting to have doubts about what they are doing. Since the first time the thought had gotten into his head that maybe he is starting to fall for Armie, he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it. Because this is not what was meant to happen, and he feels like he is somehow betraying his best friend.</p>
<p>“Timmy?”</p>
<p>“Mhm,” Timothée mumbles, still lost in thoughts.</p>
<p>“Are we good? You’ve been quiet, and every time I try to touch you, you just… what we’re doing… <em>were</em> doing…,” Armie tries nervously, “Is it time for the safe word?”</p>
<p>“Why?” Timothée quickly asks. “Do you want to stop?”</p>
<p>“I’d tell you. But I feel like you’re starting to push me away, so maybe it’s best if we just stop, yeah?”</p>
<p>“I guess.” Timothée shrugs, not sure about anything anymore. “So <em>stop</em>?”</p>
<p>“<em>Stop</em>.”</p>
<p>The two best friends share a long hug, and when Timothée feels Armie’s hands grabbing onto him, all he wants to do is tell him he doesn’t want it to stop. He wants him to keep touching him. He wants them to keep kissing, he wants there to be more things they get to try out together, he wants Armie to feel what he feels when they are together. But he knows that that is never going to happen. So he steps away from him, and he flashes a crooked smile, hoping that it will reassure him that everything is fine between them.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Timothée and Armie had stuck together for most of the evening, but when Armie had been dragged off into some drinking game, Timothée had been left on his own, and he had almost gotten up to go outside to get some fresh air. But a girl had joined him, and she had started flirting with him. She wasn’t even trying to hide it, as she had started stroking his thigh, as she had kissed him mid-sentence, before suggesting they’d take it upstairs. Timothée had looked over to Armie, and he had almost hoped to find him standing there, jealous, hurt, but he was too busy with his drinking game, so Timothée had followed the girl upstairs, thinking they would do nothing more than make out a little.</p>
<p>But the girl had slid her hand into his pants, and he hadn’t stopped her. He had let her touch him, and when she had started taking off her clothes, he had simply watched. He hadn’t told her that he wasn’t interested, or that he was wishing it was Armie who was getting undressed in front of him. He had simply let it happen, as the girl had climbed on top of him, as she took his dick, and guided it inside of her. He had even returned the favor, when she had told him how much she had enjoyed it.</p>
<p>But when the door opened, just as he was zipping up his jeans, he had felt a sense of relief washing over him. Because surely this would give him an excuse to make a quick apology and to leave the room.</p>
<p>But when he looks up, and he finds Armie standing in the doorway, he feels a sharp pain going through his body.</p>
<p>“Sorry, man, they told me you had gone upstairs, but I didn’t know you were with someone,” Armie laughs uncomfortably. “Don’t mind me.”</p>
<p>He quickly leaves, but Timothée can still feel the sharp pain going right through him, and he wishes he would have said something. He feels like he should have explained, or apologized.</p>
<p>“I should ehm…,” he mumbles, before quickly following Armie.</p>
<p>He finds him talking to a guy from school, but as soon as he notices Timothée, he comes up to him, a big grin on his face.</p>
<p>“Can we go?” Timothée asks, before Armie can even say what he was about to say. Armie just nods, before leading him out of the house, away from the party.</p>
<p>“So…”</p>
<p>“Don’t.”</p>
<p>“You don’t even know what I was going to say,” Armie laughs.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I do.”</p>
<p>“Then what was I going to say, huh?” Armie grins, but when Timothée shrugs, he wraps his arm around his shoulder, and he pulls him in for a hug. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Timothée mumbles into his best friend’s shoulder. “I don’t even know why I slept with her.”</p>
<p>“Because she’s cute,” Armie suggests. “Because she…”</p>
<p>“I didn’t even want to have sex with her,” Timothée admits, still clinging onto Armie, who has his arms wrapped tightly around him.</p>
<p>“She didn’t make you, did she?”</p>
<p>“No, of course not. But I just…”</p>
<p>“Tell me.”</p>
<p>“I can’t,” Timothée mumbles, and Armie finally lets go of him.</p>
<p>“It was that bad?” Armie asks. “What did she do?”</p>
<p>“Nothing. We just… it was just… you know… sex.”</p>
<p>“Then what’s with that look?” Armie asks, and Timothée wishes Armie wouldn’t know him so well. He wishes that he could hide how he is feeling. But he knows he needs to at least try and explain.</p>
<p>“I didn’t feel anything, Armie,” he admits, and Armie sighs, a small, understanding smile on his face. “I like it better when we… you know…”</p>
<p>“Come here,” Armie says, before pulling Timothée in for another hug. “So no more random girls at parties?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“No more girls, period?” Armie asks, a little hesitant, but the question makes Timothée’s heart skip a beat, and he can feel a smile forming on his face, as Armie gently strokes the back of his neck.</p>
<p>“No more girls.”</p>
<p>Armie lets go of Timothée, but before he steps away from him, he presses a quick kiss against his lips, a shy smile on his face.</p>
<p>“What was that for?”</p>
<p>“I love you.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too,” Timothée laughs, before they continue on walking home.</p>
<p>“You were safe, right?” Armie asks, when they turn the corner. “When you had sex with her.”</p>
<p>An uncomfortable silence follows, until Timothée can feel his best friend’s eyes burning a hole in him, and he knows he can’t avoid answering for any longer.</p>
<p>“Not really.”</p>
<p>“Not really? What does that mean? You didn’t use a condom?” Armie asks. “So nine months from now…?”</p>
<p>“No!” Timothée quickly says, but he can feel Armie’s eyes still on him. “I pulled out before… you know…”</p>
<p>“For fuck’s sake,” Armie laughs. “You think that’s safe? I don’t care if you’re not going to have sex with any more girls, we are going to get you some condoms.”</p>
<p>“No, we’re not.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, we are,” Armie laughs. “We’ll need them anyway, for when we…,” he laughs, but he doesn’t finish his sentence, and when Timothée looks at him, he can see the dark blush on his face.</p>
<p>“For when we what?” Timothée teases. “For when we fuck, you mean?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, man.”</p>
<p>“You still want that?”</p>
<p>“Maybe.” Armie shrugs, but Timothée can see how nervous he is. It only makes his heart skip another beat, so he quickly looks away, because as much as he loves his best friend, he knows he should not, and cannot be falling in love with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Timothée is still waking up, last night’s dream still on his mind, when he feels Armie’s hand carefully starting to caress his back. It is followed by the softest of kisses on his shoulder, his back, his neck, and for a moment he wonders if he hasn’t woken up at all. If this is still part of his dream. But when Armie brings his mouth up to his ear, carefully kissing it, before whispering a good morning, he knows that this isn’t a dream.</p>
<p>“Is this okay?” Armie whispers, his hand still on Timothée’s back.</p>
<p>“Mhm,” Timothée mumbles, but when he feels his best friend’s hand making his way over to his stomach, he can feel his heart starting to beat faster. And when his hand slides down to his boxers, he swallows hard, trying to hide how nervous he is, even after all the times Armie has already touched him.</p>
<p>“You’re hard,” Armie whispers, and all Timothée can do is nod, as Armie slides his hand into his boxers, and grabbing hold of his dick. He starts stroking it, gently, slowly, but when there’s a knock on the door, he stops, and he presses a quick kiss against the back of Timothée’s neck, before moving away from him.</p>
<p>“Come in,” Timothée yells out, his voice a little shaky, and when Pauline comes in, he can’t help but smile at the fact that she has finally learned to knock before coming in.</p>
<p>“Good morning, you two.” She grins, and Timothée can see her quickly glancing over to the pile of last night’s clothes on the couch, but she doesn’t say a word about it. “What are you up to today? You’re not staying in bed all day, are you?”</p>
<p>“We’re going into town. We need to pick up a few things,” Armie says, and last night’s conversation flashes through Timothée’s mind.</p>
<p>“Christmas things?” Pauline asks. “If Santa is listening, I love perfume.”</p>
<p>“I’ve already bought your present.” Timothée rolls his eyes.</p>
<p>“It better not be another gift card. Seriously, it wouldn’t kill you to put in some effort,” Pauline says, as she opens the wardrobe to find the shirt she is looking for. “Will you be here for Christmas?”</p>
<p>“I think so,” Armie says, “I haven’t bought presents yet though, so… except for Timmy’s birthday.”</p>
<p>“I can’t believe you’re going to be eighteen already,” Pauline says, grabbing a shirt, before turning around. “Before you know it, you’re off to New York, to live some exciting life with some hot guy, and…,” she rambles, but just as the words leave her mouth, Marc appears in the doorway. “Oh, shit.”</p>
<p>“Dad, I…,” Timothée begins, but he knows what this must look like. Because here he is, lying in bed with Armie, so what can he say, really?</p>
<p>“We’ll talk, later,” Marc says, and he flashes an uncomfortable smile, before leaving the room.</p>
<p>“Tim, I am so sorry. I didn’t know he was here. I thought…”</p>
<p>“I know,” Timothée quickly says. “It’s fine. It’s not like it’s some big secret or something, right? I had to come out to him some time, so… yeah, I guess I better go talk to him.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Pauline repeats, tears now stinging in her eyes. “It wasn’t my place to tell him.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine, really.” Timothée smiles, and his sister leaves, looking more than just a little uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Armie whispers, and Timothée turns to face him. Armie brushes a curl out of his face, and he quickly presses a kiss against his lips, flashing a nervous smile.</p>
<p>“This wasn’t how I was going to tell him.”</p>
<p>“He won’t care.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Timothée whispers, and all he wants to do is curl up in Armie’s arms and stay in bed with him for the rest of the day, but he knows he has to go talk to his father. So he climbs out of bed, throws on some clothes, and goes downstairs, where his father is waiting for him in the living room.</p>
<p>“Dad, I…”</p>
<p>“I know, Tim,” Marc says, and he flashes a reassuring smile.</p>
<p>“Did mom tell you?”</p>
<p>“No, she didn’t have to.”</p>
<p>“Then how did you know?”</p>
<p>“Do you really want to know?” Marc asks, and Timothée hesitates, because what if he doesn’t like the answer? But he nods, and his father glances into the direction of the stairs. “I see the way you look at him.”</p>
<p>“Armie?”</p>
<p>“Something has changed over the last months. The two of you, you have always been… how can I say it? You have always been closer than any two boys I have ever known, but now when you look at him, it’s like you are looking at someone who is made of pure sunlight.”</p>
<p>“Really?”</p>
<p>“Am I wrong?” Marc asks, but Timothée shakes his head. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“I think so,” Timothée admits. “But we’re not…” He sighs. “We’re just friends.”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t like you in the same way?”</p>
<p>“He’s straight.”</p>
<p>“Did he tell you that?”</p>
<p>“He did.” Timothée smiles to himself, but it’s a heartbroken smile, and his father takes his hand, and gives it a squeeze.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry he doesn’t feel the same way about you. But there is someone out there for you, and that boy will see how great you are, and he will love you for who you are,” Marc says, and Timothée nods, but he wishes it was Armie. He wishes Armie could fall in love with him. That it could be more than what it is now. That they could be in a relationship, live together, have their happily ever after. But even as he catches himself wishing for it, he knows that it’s ridiculous.</p>
<p>“It hurts, doesn’t it?”</p>
<p>“It’s not his fault,” Timothée tries, but when he sees the knowing look on his father’s face, he nods.</p>
<p>“Does he know?”</p>
<p>“That I’m gay?”</p>
<p>“That you’re in love with him.”</p>
<p>“I can’t tell him. He would freak out, and we’d…,” Timothée begins, but he swallows back the rest of the words, because he doesn’t want his father to know what is happening between him and Armie. Why this is even more complicated than him just falling for his best friend.</p>
<p>“Armie is a good boy, Tim. Even if he’s straight, I’m sure he…”</p>
<p>“He is. Trust me.” Timothée sighs, but when he sees the smile on his father’s face, he can’t help but laugh. “What?”</p>
<p>“There is straight, and there is <em>straight</em>. Sometimes when someone realizes a person of the same sex is in love with them, it’s… it makes you think about things differently. It makes you reconsider things.”</p>
<p>“And you know this how?” Timothée laughs. “Do I even want to know?”</p>
<p>“Perhaps that’s a story for another time,” Marc laughs, before getting up. “He’s your best friend, Tim. Don’t let this ruin that.”</p>
<p>“I won’t.”</p>
<p>“Good. Now come on, let’s eat.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“What did your dad say?” Armie asks, when he and Timothée are on their way to the shops. “Did you come out to him?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t have to. He already knew.”</p>
<p>“He did? Did your mom tell him?”</p>
<p>“No, he just… he knew.” Timothée shrugs, but when Armie sees the smile on his face, he can’t help but laugh.</p>
<p>“What did he say?”</p>
<p>“I think my dad might not be as straight as I thought he was.”</p>
<p>“Your dad is gay?”</p>
<p>“Not gay, but… I don’t know,” Timothée laughs, “It’s just something he said.”</p>
<p>“So you take after your dad after all,” Armie laughs, before wrapping his arm around Timothée’s shoulder, and pulling him closer. “I’m proud of you, man, for telling your family.”</p>
<p>“They all think I will meet someone in New York.”</p>
<p>“Of course you will. I’ll probably never hear from you again, you’ll be too busy with all the hot theatre guys.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, right,” Timothée laughs, and he grabs hold of Armie’s hand, which is resting on his shoulder. “I’m not interested in them.”</p>
<p>“You say that now, but just wait until you’re there. I bet…”</p>
<p>“They won’t be you,” Timothée blurts out, and he can feel Armie watching him, but he is too nervous to look back, so he just keeps his eyes on the road ahead.</p>
<p>Armie presses a kiss into Timothée’s hair, a heartbroken smile on his face, as he tightens the grip on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“You won’t forget about me, will you?”</p>
<p>“Never.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m not doing this!”</p>
<p>“Timmy, you had unprotected sex with some random girl,” Armie says, not even keeping his voice down, and Timothée can feel his cheeks starting to burn when an elderly lady shoots an evil glare in his direction. “We are buying condoms, and I don’t care if you ever use them or not. It’s better to be safe than sorry, right?”</p>
<p>“This is so embarrassing.”</p>
<p>“What, and getting a girl knocked up isn’t?”</p>
<p>“I’m not exactly getting girls knocked up, am I?” Timothée grits through his teeth. “I told you, no more girls.”</p>
<p>“If you have sex with a guy, you need to be safe too,” Armie says, his voice getting quieter now. He drags Timothée over to the rack of condoms, but Timothée looks like he is about to throw up, so Armie picks up a box, and he starts reading.</p>
<p>“Can’t you just pick one?”</p>
<p>“I’ve never bought these before, have I?” Armie whispers. “I don’t know which ones we should get.”</p>
<p>“Can I help you?” a man asks, and both friends jump up. They turn around, and one of the store’s employees is standing there, a friendly smile on his face.</p>
<p>“We ehm… we’re just…,” Timothée tries, but his throat feels like it’s closing up, and he can see how nervous Armie is now. Because he is a virgin, and he is meant to stay a virgin until he is married, so for him to be here, buying condoms, it must be more than just a little uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“First time buying condoms?” the man asks. “Don’t worry. I know it’s a little overwhelming.”</p>
<p>“A little,” Armie laughs uncomfortably. “Are these…”</p>
<p>“This is a good brand,” the man says. “I would personally recommend these ones,” he adds, grabbing a different box, and Timothée feels so uncomfortable, that he almost turns around and leaves, but he knows he can’t leave Armie on his own.</p>
<p>“And are they ehm…,” Armie begins, but he can’t seem to get the words out. Timothée is about to take the box from the man, and thank him for his help, but then it hits him what Armie is trying to ask.</p>
<p>“Are they what?”</p>
<p>“If I have sex with a guy… are these any good?” Timothée blurts out, and from the corner of his eye, he can see Armie covering his mouth, trying to hide how much he is struggling to keep a straight face.</p>
<p>“Definitely,” the man says, the friendly smile still on his face. “I would recommend to use this with it,” he says, before grabbing a bottle of lubricant from a shelf, and handing it over to Timothée. “Anything else I can help with?”</p>
<p>“No, I think that was it,” Timothée manages to get out, the items shaking in his hands.</p>
<p>“Then I wish you a very nice day, boys.” The man smiles, before walking off.</p>
<p>“Holy…,” Timothée spits out, before shoving the items into Armie’s hands. “I am going to kill you.”</p>
<p>“Kill me?” Armie laughs. “We need condoms, don’t we?”</p>
<p>“I’ll see you outside,” Timothée says, before storming out of the store. He sits down on a bench, his stomach still feeling like he has just been on a rollercoaster for several hours, and he feels horrible about leaving Armie to pay, but he knew that if he had stayed inside, he would have either passed out, or thrown up.</p>
<p>“We’re not the first guys to buy condoms, you know?” Armie asks, nudging his arm against Timothée’s, when he sits down with him. “Do you think those guys in there care? They see guys like us every day.”</p>
<p>“Guys like us?”</p>
<p>“People like us. People have sex, Timmy. People buy condoms.” Armie shrugs, but when Timothée looks up at him, his face as white as that of a ghost, he sighs. “What’s this about, huh?”</p>
<p>“People have sex, Armie. You don’t.”</p>
<p>An uncomfortable silence follows, until Armie playfully nudges his arm against Timothée’s again, over and over, until Timothée finally looks up at him again.</p>
<p>“I want to do it with you, Timmy.”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“Because you’re my best friend?” Armie asks. “Because I love you?”</p>
<p>“We used the safe word, remember?”</p>
<p>“Then you keep these, and next time you go out with someone, use them, okay? I want you to be safe,” Armie says, and he hands the bag over to Timothée. Their hands touch, and their fingers linger for just a moment too long, making Timothée feel the butterflies he has gotten used to feeling by now.</p>
<p>“Do you mean it?”</p>
<p>“What? That I want you to be safe?” Armie laughs. “Of course.”</p>
<p>“No, about us… is that really what you want?”</p>
<p>“You know it is.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>https://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. “Merry Christmas, Timmy.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Armie had first told his parents that he wanted to spend Christmas with the Chalamet’s instead of his family, it had caused a huge argument, but when they had all calmed down, and he had explained that it would be the last Christmas he would get to spend with Timothée before he leaves for New York, they had finally given in. However, they are spending Christmas and New Year’s in Europe, so it means that Armie will be staying at the Chalamet’s until the new year, but they don’t mind. Not at all.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” Pauline asks, when she catches Armie putting presents into the family’s stockings. As soon as she had found out that Armie would be staying with them for Christmas, Nicole had gone out, and she had bought Armie his own stocking, which is now filled to the brim with presents.</p>
<p>“It’s just some things I bought.”</p>
<p>“You bought us presents?” Pauline asks. “What did you buy Tim?”</p>
<p>“Just some game.” Armie shrugs, but he can tell that Pauline is watching him, so he turns around, and he flashes a smile.</p>
<p>“Isn’t it weird for you?”</p>
<p>“What?” Armie laughs. “Buying a video game?”</p>
<p>“Tim being gay.”</p>
<p>“Of course not.”</p>
<p>“But your parents are pretty homophobic, right?” Pauline asks, “Do they know?”</p>
<p>“They’re not homophobic, they’re just… it’s against what they believe in.”</p>
<p>“But you’re okay with it?”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.”</p>
<p>“And if your parents find out?”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t be here,” Armie admits, and Pauline flashes a small, knowing smile. “I don’t care that he likes guys. He’s my best friend, and whatever makes him happy…”</p>
<p>“He loves you, you know?”</p>
<p>“I know.” Armie nods. “I love him, too.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Pauline sighs. “I am going to ask you something, and I already know what you’re going to say, but… are you into guys?”</p>
<p>“What?” Armie laughs. “No. Why? Because I love him?”</p>
<p>“Because I want my brother to end up with a good guy like you?” Pauline admits, but it comes out as a question, and Armie looks down at the ground, a guilty look on his face. “You’ll look out for him, won’t you? Make sure he doesn’t get hurt.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Armie says, and Pauline opens her mouth to speak, but when Timothée walks in, she decides against it. She leaves the room, and as soon as she is gone, Armie wraps his arms around Timothée, and he pulls him close.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” he whispers, but Timothée just nods. “Your sister, she ehm… have I hurt you?”</p>
<p>“No, why?”</p>
<p>“She just asked me to look out for you,” Armie says, giving Timothée’s neck a quick kiss, before letting go of him. “She asked me if I’m gay.”</p>
<p>“What?” Timothée asks, his voice coming out all wrong and filled with panic, “Why?”</p>
<p>“I think she wishes I was,” Armie admits. “So we could be more than friends.”</p>
<p>“She’s an idiot. I told you she was.” Timothée rolls his eyes, but he can feel his heart beating so fast, that he is starting to feel dizzy. “She is just messing with you.”</p>
<p>“I know. But if I have hurt you…”</p>
<p>“You haven’t. Well, maybe that time you got a little excited, and you…,” Timothée whispers into Armie’s ear, but Armie playfully shoves him away. “That hurt a little, but I didn’t mind.”</p>
<p>“Fuck you.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t mind that either,” Timothée laughs, and Armie wraps his arms around him again, before pulling him onto the couch, where they lie down, their faces almost touching. But they don’t kiss, they don’t touch, they simply close their eyes and fall asleep together.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Who wants another slice?” Nicole asks, as she picks up the pizza, holding it out for everyone. “Armie? Come on, honey.”</p>
<p>“Mom, stop it,” Timothée laughs, as he lays his legs down in Armie’s lap. “I don’t want him throwing up in our bed tonight.”</p>
<p>“Not even one slice?” Nicole asks, and Armie picks up his plate, and holds it out, the smile on Nicole’s face growing bigger. “See.”</p>
<p>Armie takes the pizza, and Timothée shakes his head, smiling to himself, as he watches him eat it.</p>
<p>“How can you eat so much, and still look…?”</p>
<p>“Hot?” Pauline suggests.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Timothée agrees, ignoring the looks on his parents’ faces. “How do you do it?”</p>
<p>“I work out a lot.” Armie grins. “Lately I’ve taken up this new…”</p>
<p>As the words leave his mouth, Pauline spits out her drink, and they all look at her.</p>
<p>“Sorry, it’s hot.”</p>
<p>“It’s iced tea,” Nicole says, already clearing up the mess.</p>
<p>“Cold. It’s cold,” Pauline says, trying to keep a straight face, trying her best to ignore Timothée glaring at her.</p>
<p>“I don’t even want to know.” Marc shrugs, before he gets up to go over to the stockings. “Let’s get started on the presents, shall we?”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“What’s this?” Armie asks, when Timothée hands him an envelope when they are in his room that night, after Nicole and Marc have gone to bed, and Pauline has left to go to a friend’s.</p>
<p>“A present.”</p>
<p>“You already gave me my present,” Armie chuckles uncomfortably, staring down at the envelope in his hands.</p>
<p>“Open it.”</p>
<p>Armie does as he is told, but when he sees the two concert tickets, he doesn’t speak for the longest time.</p>
<p>“You hate it.”</p>
<p>“No, I just… this is the guy whose song…”</p>
<p>“I know,” Timothée whispers. “His song made you…”</p>
<p>“Admit that I wanted to kiss a guy,” Armie whispers, still staring down at the two tickets.</p>
<p>“Is it too weird? I can get you something else, like…”</p>
<p>“I love it,” Armie says, a smile on his face when he finally looks up again. “I was just thinking about this morning, when your sister asked me if I like guys.”</p>
<p>“You know what she’s like. She thinks that just because I’m gay, you must be too. Just ignore her.” Timothée shrugs. “She knows you’re straight. I told her.”</p>
<p>“You did?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, when I came out to her, she asked me about you. So she’s just being a…”</p>
<p>“I thought you had told her about us. About what we’ve been doing,” Armie admits, and Timothée almost tells him that Pauline does know, but he doesn’t want to scare him off, so he shakes his head. “You’re so lucky, man. The way your family is about you being gay… if my parents find out what we’re doing, they’ll kill me.”</p>
<p>“It’s not the same. I mean, like, it is, because we’re both doing this because we’re… you know, curious and stuff,” Timothée rambles nervously, “but you’re straight. Your parents don’t ever have to find out. So it’s not like, you’ll have to sit them down and tell them you’ve kissed a guy or something.”</p>
<p>“I’ve done a bit more than kiss a guy, though, haven’t I?” Armie sighs, as they sit down on the couch.</p>
<p>“So? They won’t find out.”</p>
<p>“I hope so,” Armie says, before looking down at the tickets again. “Thanks, man.”</p>
<p>He lays the tickets down on Timothée’s desk, before turning to face him. But before he can even make the first move, Timothée has already kissed him. Their kisses are hungry, and within seconds, Armie is lying on his back, Timothée on top of him, his hands fumbling to get his jeans open.</p>
<p>“I’ll do it,” Armie chuckles uncomfortably, and Timothée gets off of him. Armie gets up, and he quickly gets out of his clothes, but before he can join Timothée on the couch, Timothée has grabbed onto his hands, and he has pulled him towards him.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” Armie whispers, but Timothée just flashes a nervous smile, before grabbing hold of his dick, and taking it into his mouth. Although Armie has done it to him, Timothée has never actually done this before, but he feels a rush of adrenaline going through him, and when he feels Armie running a hand through his hair, he feels his nerves slowly but surely ebbing away.</p>
<p>Armie is trying his best to keep quiet, but a moan slips out, and it makes Timothée look up at him. He can’t help but laugh when he sees his best friend’s flushed face, when he sees just how bright, how fired up his eyes are right now.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to go on?” he asks, the grin on Armie’s face growing even bigger. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Do you even need to ask?” Armie laughs, before brushing his hand through Timothée’s curls again. But when Timothée brings his fingers up to his mouth, and he wets them with a load of spit, Armie stares down at him with a confused look on his face. But not for too long, because Timothée starts sucking his dick again, this time bringing his hands round to his ass, and Armie can feel his wet finger carefully looking for his entrance.</p>
<p>Another moan slips out when Timothée carefully and nervously pushes the tip of his finger in, but Timothée doesn’t even care if they were to get found out right now. Hearing Armie’s moans, hearing how much he is enjoying this, it makes the fluttering inside his stomach go into overdrive. So he keeps doing what he’s doing, before pushing another finger in, and it makes Armie grab hold of his shoulders, holding on to support himself.</p>
<p>Timothée can feel his grip tightening, but he does not stop fingering him. He does not stop sucking his dick, not until Armie finally lets go of his shoulder, and he whispers his name.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to stop?”</p>
<p>“Let’s go to bed,” Armie whispers, and he steps away from him. He flashes a small, nervous smile, before getting into bed, and Timothée quickly gets undressed, before joining him. But when they look at each other, they both let out a nervous chuckle, and it feels just like the first time they had touched each other.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Armie laughs, “you have no idea what you’re doing to me, man.”</p>
<p>“Sorry.”</p>
<p>“The things I want to do to you…,” Armie whispers, but his voice is dreamy, and far-away, and before Timothée can even say anything, he seems to notice it, because a grin forms on his face, and he brings his hand up to the side of his best friend’s neck. “Can I kiss you?”</p>
<p>“Mhm,” Timothée mumbles, definitely not having forgotten about Armie’s confession just now. But when Armie kisses him, his hand sliding down to his shoulder, down to his back, before resting on his ass, he can feel the words slowly but surely being pushed down to the back of his mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Timmy? Are you awake?”</p>
<p>“Mhm.”</p>
<p>“Last night…,” Armie begins, so Timothée turns to face him, preparing himself for the conversation he has been dreading for weeks.</p>
<p>“I know,” he quickly says, but when he sees the confused look on his best friend’s face, he adds, “It got weird, right?”</p>
<p>“It did?”</p>
<p>“It didn’t?”</p>
<p>“I was only going to say that I enjoyed it. But I guess you didn’t,” Armie chuckles uncomfortably. “So I guess we’re not doing that again?”</p>
<p>“No! I mean… yeah, I want to do it again. If you want me to, I guess…,” Timothée stammers, and a small smile forms on Armie’s lips. “I just thought…”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to hate me.”</p>
<p>“Never. I love you, man,” Armie says, the smile having been replaced with a serious look. “Tell me.”</p>
<p>“When we started this, it was meant to just be… you know… trying out different things. It wasn’t meant to be, you know…”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Armie admits. “We’re still trying out new stuff, right? If you want to do something else, just tell me.”</p>
<p>“When we made out last night…,” Timothée begins, hoping that Armie will catch on, but he is just staring at him with a confused look on his face. “It felt like something else.”</p>
<p>“Like what?”</p>
<p>“It felt like making out,” Timothée whispers, “Not like… trying out to see what it’s like to suck a dick. It felt like making out.”</p>
<p>“Oh… you don’t want that?”</p>
<p>“No, I… fuck!”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, man, I don’t get what you’re trying to say. Do you want us to stop, or…?”</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée spits out, not even trying to hide his frustration. “I liked it, okay? I guess it just made me feel different than when we get each other off, or… whatever.”</p>
<p>Timothée wishes he could just say the words and tell Armie that it had made him feel butterflies, that it had made him fall in love with him so much more. He wishes Armie wouldn’t be so oblivious to what he is feeling, that Armie would see what he is going through, and he would react to it, good or bad. He wishes that Armie would simply feel the same way, and that last night had meant the same thing to him. But he can see that that is just not the case, so he runs his hand through Armie’s hair, and lets it rest on the back of his neck, the feeling of his skin making him feel the same fluttering all over again. But he knows that it doesn’t matter, so when Armie flashes a smile, he simply returns it.</p>
<p>“Are we okay?”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Timothée whispers, his hand still lingering on the back of Armie’s neck.</p>
<p>“Merry Christmas, Timmy.”</p>
<p>“Merry Christmas.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>https://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. “Why are you lying to me?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Just a little note about this chapter. I have rewritten it about 20-30 (could be 50) times by now. The lovely PeachyPerfect betaed it for me, but when I got it back, there was just so much wrong with it that it sent me into a bit of a panic. I tried to change most of what was needed, but after so many rewrites, I have just kind of lost it with this chapter. So if you see mistakes, and if things don't make sense, please just ignore it. Use your imagination, and let's pretend it's all good, okay?<br/>(Sorry!)<br/>Xx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<p>“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Nicole asks, as she is putting on her coat. “They will be so happy to see you.”</p>
<p>“Let them stay at home. They’ll be bored out of their minds,” Pauline says, giving her mother a friendly shove into the direction of the door. “Just let them play their video games.”</p>
<p>“Fine, but if…”</p>
<p>“Mom!” Timothée laughs. “We’ll be fine.”</p>
<p>Nicole is about to open her mouth again, but her husband grabs her hand and drags her out of the room.</p>
<p>“Have fun, guys,” Pauline laughs, before following her parents and closing the door behind her.</p>
<p>“Are you sure you don’t want to go with them to see your family?” Armie asks, a playful smile on his face. “It’s more fun than being stuck here all day with me.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Timothée laughs, the mischievous grin on Armie’s face growing bigger by the second. “I doubt that.”</p>
<p>“Want to go upstairs?”</p>
<p>The two young men don’t hesitate to run up the stairs, and as soon as they have gone into Timothée’s room, their mouths collide. When they had woken up this morning, there had been a tension between them and every time their eyes had met, it had been glaringly obvious that they couldn’t wait to be alone.</p>
<p>“So, what do you want to do?” Timothée laughs, when Armie is helping him take off his sweater. “Remember the movie we watched the other week?”</p>
<p>“Oh, wow,” Armie laughs. “You want me to…?”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Timothée laughs nervously, but he can see the hesitation on Armie’s face, so he gives him a quick kiss. “What do you want to do?”</p>
<p>“How about…,” Armie begins, the mischievous grin now back on his face. “Something special for your birthday?”</p>
<p>“Something special?” Timothée laughs. “So, what did you have in mind?”</p>
<p>“Why don’t we just see where it goes?” Armie suggests, and Timothée can’t help but smile, because even through his grin, he can see that Armie is hiding his nerves. It makes him wonder what Armie is thinking, but he doesn’t ask. He simply takes off the rest of his clothes, before stepping up to him.</p>
<p>“Happy birthday, man,” Armie whispers, before pulling him in for another kiss.</p>
<p>“It was my birthday last week.”</p>
<p>“Whatever,” Armie laughs, as Timothée sits down on the couch, a nervous but excited look on his face.</p>
<p>Armie doesn’t hesitate to get out of his clothes and Timothée is expecting him to join him on the couch, but instead, Armie kneels down in front of him and, without warning, takes his dick into his mouth.</p>
<p>“Fuck!” Timothée cries out, before leaning his head back against the back of the couch. But as good as it feels to get his dick sucked, he can’t deny that he is a little disappointed. Because Armie was talking about doing something special and they have done this before. Still, he closes his eyes and it doesn’t take away from how much he still loves the feel of Armie’s mouth.</p>
<p>“Lie down,” Armie orders. Timothée opens his eyes and does as he is told. “If this is too weird, or… just tell me, okay?”</p>
<p>“As long as you don’t piss on me, we’re good,” Timothée laughs and Armie scrunches up his face, obviously still remembering one of the movies they had watched. Even though they had turned it off as soon as the scene had started playing out, it had been enough to kill the mood for the rest of the night.</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s not…,” Armie laughs and climbs on top of Timothée. Timothée is a little curious as to what is happening, but when Armie positions himself so that they can suck each other’s dick, he feels the adrenaline rushing through his veins. He had been thinking about this too, but he had been too nervous to bring it up.</p>
<p>Timothée takes Armie’s dick into his mouth, and it still makes him feel like he has just been hit by lightning when he hears Armie’s sounds of pleasure. Just knowing that he is making him feel good - that he is the cause of those pleasured moans - is something he knows he will never get used to.</p>
<p>Armie starts sucking Timothée off and Timothée can’t help but remember the first time Armie had done this to him. Or rather, the first time he had done this properly, without being interrupted. He had only lasted a minute, but today that is not the case and as minutes go by, he can slowly feel that fire inside of him growing bigger.</p>
<p>But then Armie gets up from off the couch and kneels down beside him, his face flushed.</p>
<p>“I want to fuck you, Timmy,” he whispers, as though he is scared to speak the words any louder, but when Timothée just stares at him with a shy smile on his face, he lays his hand down on his chest and he gently starts caressing his skin.</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Are you?” Armie whispers, but Timothée just nods. But even though he has wanted this for the longest time, now that they are here, he can feel something growing inside of him. It’s a fear, not of having sex with Armie, but to be fucked by him. He tells himself that it’s just nerves about this being the first time though, so he keeps quiet and gets up from off couch and goes over to his drawer, where he has put the condoms and the lubricant.</p>
<p>“Timmy, look at me,” Armie says. When Timothée hands him a condom, his hands are shaking. “If you don’t want to do this…”</p>
<p>“I do.”</p>
<p>“I don’t believe you.”</p>
<p>“I do,” Timothée repeats, but he can hear his voice breaking. “I’m just nervous.”</p>
<p>“Then we’ll do it another time, or we don’t do it at all. It has to be something we both want to do,” Armie says, and Timothée appreciates his kindness, his concern, but not doing this is something he doesn’t want either. Yet, doing it also scares the living daylights out of him.</p>
<p>“I want this, Armie,” he says, and before Armie can object, he kisses him with such a force that they stumble back onto the couch. Kissing - making out - is something that doesn’t scare him, so he doesn’t mind it, and he keeps his mouth on Armie’s, hoping that putting off the actual fucking will put his mind at ease. But when he lies down on his back, Armie leaning over him, he feels a wave of nausea coming over him.</p>
<p>“Timmy…”</p>
<p>“We ehm… you need to prepare me, or like…,” Timothée says, and Armie hesitates. Timothée opens the bottle of lubricant and squirts a load into his hand, and brings it down to Armie’s dick. Armie sits back, and he starts stroking his lubed up dick, but he still seems hesitant, even when Timothée spreads his legs for him, pretending to be ready for whatever is coming next.</p>
<p>“I don’t think…”</p>
<p>“I want this.”</p>
<p>“No, you don’t!” Armie spits out, before he gets up. “Don’t fucking lie to me, man! What, you expect me to fuck you when you don’t want it? You know what that is, right?”</p>
<p>“I don’t…”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to fuck you when you’re obviously not into it,” Armie says, his whole body shaking. “Fuck you for even trying to make me.”</p>
<p>“I’m scared,” Timothée admits and he gets up too, but when he tries to grab his best friend’s arm, Armie pulls away.</p>
<p>“Then you tell me. What if I had gone through with it, huh?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Why are you lying to me?” Armie asks. “I told you, man, we don’t have to do this.”</p>
<p>“I want to have sex with you,” Timothée says, and Armie opens his mouth to object, but Timothée quickly continues. “But I’m scared, okay? I just don’t want you to… fuck!”</p>
<p>“Tell me.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to fuck me.”</p>
<p>“You should have told me.”</p>
<p>“No, you don’t get it. I want us… but not…,” Timothée tries, struggling to find the right words. His mind is all over the place right now, but when he sees Armie’s face, he realizes that there are no more words needed.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell me?”</p>
<p>“Because you said you wanted to fuck me.”</p>
<p>“I do,” Armie says, before letting out an uncomfortable chuckle. “But I just meant… you know… doing this with you. I don’t care whatever way around we do it.”</p>
<p>“You’re not angry with me?”</p>
<p>“For fuck’s sake, man,” Armie laughs, as he steps up to Timothée. He puts his arms around him and pulls him in for a hug, before pressing a kiss into his hair. “You should have just told me.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Timothée mumbles into Armie’s shoulder. “Maybe we should just go play a video game instead.”</p>
<p>“Fuck no,” Armie laughs. “I told you, I want to do something special for your birthday.”</p>
<p>“You still want to…?”</p>
<p>“I want to fuck you, Timmy,” Armie whispers, his arms still wrapped tightly around his best friend. “Or have you fuck me, I guess,” he adds nervously, a dark blush on his face. Unable to laugh the awkwardness off.</p>
<p>They share a kiss, before getting back onto the couch, but the mood has definitely changed, and even as they are making out, they can sense the nerves. However, by the time Armie is crouched down on all fours and Timothée is sitting behind him, his fingers pushed down deep inside of him, the awkwardness has turned into nervous excitement.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Armie laughs, as Timothée pulls his fingers out. “Remember when we first met?”</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>“Imagine if someone had told us then that we’d be here, who knows how many years later, about to… you know…,” Armie laughs nervously, when he hears Timothée rip into the condom and open the bottle of lubricant again.</p>
<p>“I don’t think we’d have been friends,” Timothée laughs, but when Armie looks over his shoulder, he raises an eyebrow. “You would have run a mile, the way you were raised.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well…”</p>
<p>“Are you ready?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Armie laughs, before making himself a bit more comfortable. “Are you?”</p>
<p>“Mhm,” Timothée mumbles, before he, very slowly and carefully, positions himself at Armie’s entrance and pushes into him.</p>
<p>“Fuck!” Armie cries out, burying his face into the couch. “That feels…”</p>
<p>“Am I hurting you?”</p>
<p>“No!” Armie quickly says. “It feels… fucking hell, Timmy,” he laughs, and Timothée can’t help but look down as he pushes his dick into him again. It takes a minute before it truly hits him that he is inside of Armie, inside of his best friend. That he is truly fucking him right now. And when it hits him, it makes him feel such a rush that he tightens his grip on Armie’s hips. He can feel himself pushing harder, making Armie curse louder every time.</p>
<p>“Fuck!”</p>
<p>Despite the rush he feels, something about it doesn’t feel right. It feels impersonal, and as he looks down at Armie’s back, he feels a sharp sting in his chest.</p>
<p>“Can we try something else?” he asks, sitting back on his heels as Armie turns to face him.</p>
<p>“What do you want to do? Do you want to stop?”</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée reassures him, before flashing a nervous smile. He knows that this is the time to tell him what he wants. The only time. “Lie down,” he orders, and Armie doesn’t hesitate to do as he is told. He lies down on his back, and only now can Timothée see just how flushed his face is and how his chest is glistening with sweat already.</p>
<p>Timothée places himself in between his best friend’s legs. It takes him a moment to find a way to get comfortable, but when Armie wraps his legs around his waist, he takes his dick and he guides it back into him. This time he can see Armie staring up at him and he can see exactly what this is doing to him. It makes the fluttering in his stomach feel like it is never going to stop again. He proceeds to fuck him and with every push, with every moan, he can feel the fire inside of him growing bigger. It makes him feel like he is about to burst at the seams, like everything that has been building up since that first kiss is right there at the surface.</p>
<p>“My leg is cramping up,” Armie says after a while. It seems to break the spell, because for just a moment, they are Timothée and Armie again. Best friends, nothing more. They get up and without even discussing it, they climb onto the bed.</p>
<p>Timothée sits down on his knees and Armie shifts his ass until it is resting in his lap, his legs straddling his hips. This time he is the one to guide Timothée’s dick inside of him. They struggle to find a comfortable rhythm and for a minute or two they are focused on just trying to make it work. It feels nervous and clumsy and it makes them laugh, easing some of the tension. When they are finally able to ease back into it, they both wrap their arms around each other and their mouths collide again. Timothée feels the tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He has never been this intimate with anyone ever before and this moment, right here, feels so much bigger than just an experimental fuck between friends. It feels like a first time. It feels like passion and like love. He knows he will remember this moment for the rest of his life.</p>
<p>“Fuck, Armie, I’m going to come,” he whispers, his head now resting on Armie’s shoulder, their bodies still moving in sync with each other. He half-expects Armie to move away from him, expecting this being too much, but Armie just kisses him.</p>
<p>“Armie…,” Timothée tries again, but before he can even finish his sentence, he has already come. Armie kisses him again, but his kisses are different now. They are not the hungry kisses from before. These are sweet, almost romantic kisses. Timothée can feel the love in them and when they finally let go of each other, he can’t help but notice the look on Armie’s face. He can see that this has meant a lot to him too and when he lies down, still trying to catch his breath, he has the sweetest, shyest smile on his face.</p>
<p>“That was…”</p>
<p>“I know,” Armie quickly agrees and he opens his arms for Timothée to lie down in them.</p>
<p>When he does so, he feels tears beginning to well up in his eyes again. Now, more than ever, does it hit him that within a matter of months, he will be moving away from not only his family, but from Armie. That all of this will be coming to an end and that their friendship will never be the same again.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Armie whispers, as he carefully brushes a tear from the corner of Timothée’s eye. “Talk to me.”</p>
<p>“I’m going to miss you.”</p>
<p>“No, you won’t.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I…”</p>
<p>“No, you won’t, Timmy, because I am going to come and visit you whenever I can,” Armie quickly says, a reassuring smile on his face. “You’ll probably get sick of me being there all the time.”</p>
<p>“Promise?”</p>
<p>“What, you didn’t think you could get rid of me by moving to New York, did you?” Armie asks, a grin forming on his face. “It’s going to take a lot more than that.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. “I’m going to miss this.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>This might be a little long, so I will apologise in advance. But I have very seriously considered deleting this whole story and just pretend I never posted it. With everything that's going on, I have very mixed feelings about contuining updating it.<br/>But I have worked months and months on it, and I finished writing it a long time ago (well, I'm still making changes all the time, but the actual story was finished months ago), and I was so excited to start posting it. It's also the story that people have left the most excited comments on, and I would feel bad about deleting this and to take this story away from the people who are looking forward to the updates every week.<br/>So I have decided to continue posting it as it is, and I'm still not sure if it's the right decision, but it's the one I'm going with.<br/>I 100% understand if people no longer feel comfortable reading this story, I also understand if people are now finding their comfort in reading it. It's also understandable to have mixed emotions (I know I do), so you do what feels best for you, and what makes you happy / gives you comfort right now.<br/>A big hug to everyone!!<br/>Xx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<p>Not long after New Year’s, Nicole had quit her job, and although she had been happy as anything to spend more time at home, it had meant that Timothée and Armie had gotten no more privacy. Because where Pauline had learned to knock before coming in, Nicole comes in every other minute, without warning.</p>
<p>The two friends had still tried to find time to be intimate, but when Nicole had almost walked in on them jerking off one day, they had, without even discussing it, given up on it. And in the end there had only been a handful of times where they had been able to quickly jerk off or suck each other’s dick while Nicole was out to the shops. But it had felt rushed, and there had definitely been no more of that same passion as when they had slept together.</p>
<p>But today is the day of the concert for which Timothée had given Armie tickets for Christmas, and this morning they had taken the train to go to the city, where they had spent the afternoon sightseeing.</p>
<p>Some of the nervous tension had come back, the second they had dropped off their bags at the hotel, but Timothée had chosen to ignore it, because things have changed too much, and he is nervous that if he were to make a move again after all this time, that he would only cross a line and ruin things between them. But as they are making their way into the concert venue, he can feel Armie grabbing hold of his hips, and although he tells himself that he is only holding onto him so they won’t lose each other in the crowd, there is something in Armie’s touch that reminds him of all the times they had spent together. All the times Armie had touched him, all the times he had kissed him.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed you.”</p>
<p>“I haven’t gone anywhere,” Timothée chuckles, as they take their place in front of the stage.</p>
<p>“You know what I mean. I’ve missed you, this… being together, you know?” Armie explains. “Don’t get me wrong, I love your mom, but…”</p>
<p>“I know, she’s there all the time.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Armie nods, and he opens his mouth to say something else, but Timothée can see him changing his mind, and he decides not to ask, because he isn’t sure if he wants to know. “I love you, man.”</p>
<p>“I love you, too.”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I got you something,” Armie says, as they are making their way back to the hotel. The concert had been great, and over far too quickly, but Timothée can’t deny that he is also looking forward to getting to the hotel, because he has a feeling that there won’t be much sleeping tonight.</p>
<p>“You did?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Armie says, and he gets two rubber bracelets out of the pocket of his jacket. “It’s not much, but I just wanted to get you a souvenir, to say thank you. For tonight, I mean.”</p>
<p>Armie hands him one of the bracelets, which has the name of the artist, together with the name of the tour printed on it, and although it is just the smallest of things, it means the world to Timothée, and without even thinking about it, he presses his lips against Armie’s.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I…,” he quickly says, but before he can say more, Armie has wrapped an arm around his waist, and he has pulled him in for another kiss. And although they have kissed many of times before, they had always been on their own, hidden away at home, but they are out on a busy street, and anyone can see them.</p>
<p>“Let’s go to our room,” Armie whispers, before kissing Timothée’s neck, and letting go of him.</p>
<p>They quickly make their way over to the hotel, but once they’re there, it’s obvious that they’re both nervous, and as they are getting out of their clothes, there is a lot of nervous laughter.</p>
<p>Armie crashes down onto the huge bed, and Timothée climbs down on top of him, placing kisses all over his stomach, his chest, his arms, before finally kissing his mouth, not even holding back or trying to hide how much he wants this.</p>
<p>“Fuck, you have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to do this,” Armie groans, as he thrusts his hips up against Timothée’s.</p>
<p>“I do,” Timothée admits, before trailing kisses down from Armie’s chest, all the way to the inside of his thighs, before taking his dick into his mouth. He wants to take it slow though, he wants to tease him, make this last as long as possible, because who knows when they will find the time to do this again. If ever.</p>
<p>“Timmy?” Armie asks, and Timothée looks up at him, his hand still stroking the length of his dick, and he can see on Armie’s face what this is doing to him. How much he is enjoying this. “Will you fuck me again?”</p>
<p>“Want to try out something new?”</p>
<p>“Like you need to ask,” Armie laughs, but when Timothée takes his hand, and he helps him sit up, before getting him down on all fours, he stops laughing.</p>
<p>“I’m nervous,” he admits, but Timothée kisses his back, gently. “I’ve missed you.”</p>
<p>Timothée can’t help but smile, his heart skipping a beat, for a moment wondering if maybe, just maybe Armie had felt the same way when they had slept together. But he shakes the thought, because this isn’t about that. This is about a last chance to do this before he leaves for New York. A last chance to have fun and explore.</p>
<p>So he kisses his back again, before bringing his mouth down to his ass, and teasing his tongue over his entrance, the sensation making Armie moan out. It only makes Timothée lick him again, this time feeling a little less nervous. He had seen it be done so many times, but to be doing it himself, it sends a thrill right through him.</p>
<p>And when he pushes a finger into him, Armie pushes back against his touch, begging for more. Reassuring him that he wants this too. So Timothée gives him what he wants, wanting nothing more than to please him, and he brings his mouth down to Armie’s back to kiss it again.</p>
<p>“Don’t stop,” Armie groans, when Timothée pulls out, wanting to take the next step, and just hearing the pleading, the longing in Armie’s voice, it fills him with a burning fire in the pit of his stomach. So he brings his mouth down to Armie’s ass again, and he lets his mouth explore, he lets his tongue tease, until Armie is squirming underneath his touch.</p>
<p>“I didn’t bring anything,” Timothée admits, when he finally moves away from Armie, but when Armie looks over his shoulder, he has a daring grin on his face. “What?”</p>
<p>“Good thing I did, then.”</p>
<p>“You knew this was going happen?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t?” Armie teases. “Seriously? You didn’t bring anything?”</p>
<p>“Sorry…”</p>
<p>“After all the trouble we went through to buy it?” Armie laughs, Timothée still cringing when he thinks back to that moment. “Relax, man. It’s in my bag.”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Fuck, this is good,” Timothée admits, when after a lot of nervous fumbling around, they are finally comfortable, and he is beginning to find his rhythm.</p>
<p>“Yeah? I wouldn’t know,” Armie laughs, but Timothée knows that he is just teasing him, that he doesn’t actually hold last time’s fear or hesitation against him.</p>
<p>As much as Timothée is enjoying this, he still remembers what Armie’s face had looked like, the last time they had fucked, and there is that little voice in the back of his head, telling him that this is the last time that they will be doing this. So he pulls out, making Armie turn around, a curious look on his face.</p>
<p>“Lie down,” Timothée orders, and Armie does as he is told, not even hesitating to spread his legs, as Timothée positions himself in between.</p>
<p>“Wait, Timmy?”</p>
<p>“Mhm?”</p>
<p>“I love you,” Armie says, and although he has said these words dozens of times before, there is something in his voice that feels different. They hit Timothée like a ton of bricks, so he kisses him, hoping that it will tell him how much he loves him too, how much their friendship means to him, how much he needs him, wants him in his life. But he doesn’t say the words, because they seem too big, and he knows that they could ruin everything.</p>
<p>He starts fucking Armie again, and he can’t deny that it is so much better, getting to see Armie’s face, getting to see his body. Getting to watch him, trying so hard to keep quiet, but failing miserably. Timothée wishes he could make the moment last forever, but he has been longing for this ever since the last time they had fucked, and he can feel that he’s getting close already.</p>
<p>“Holy shit!” Timothée spits out, before pulling out, and collapsing next to Armie onto the bed. Armie kisses him, his hand gently caressing his chest, and it makes Timothée all the more aware of the butterflies in his stomach. He has been trying really hard to ignore them, to push down the feelings for Armie, but with Armie being so kind, so loving to him, it has made it impossible.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Armie whispers, but Timothée just nods, scared that if he were to speak right now, he would tell Armie everything. So he lets Armie caress him, he lets him kiss him, before curling up in his arms, too tired to keep his eyes open any longer.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“How long was I asleep for?”</p>
<p>“Not long,” Armie whispers, his hand gently brushing through Timothée’s curls. “Do you want to go back to sleep?”</p>
<p>Timothée shakes his head, before pressing his lips against Armie’s. One kiss turns into another, and it is obvious where this is going. But when Armie grabs hold of Timothée’s dick, Timothée stops him.</p>
<p>“Sorry, man, I thought…”</p>
<p>“I want you to fuck me,” Timothée blurts out, but Armie just stares at him, trying to see if this time he is actually telling the truth. “I wasn’t ready last time, but I am now. If you don’t want to, that’s fine, we can just…”</p>
<p>“What made you change your mind?”</p>
<p>“You did,” Timothée says, and a small smile forms on Armie’s lips. “I know you won’t hurt me.”</p>
<p>“I won’t,” Armie whispers, before kissing him, and pulling him closer. “But you’re not doing this for me, are you?”</p>
<p>“No. I would tell you if I…”</p>
<p>“No, you wouldn’t,” Armie laughs, “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>Timothée nods, knowing that if they don’t do this tonight, they might never get the chance again. And although he is still nervous, the fear from last time is not there anymore. So he kisses Armie again, hoping it will reassure him that this time he is telling the truth.</p>
<p>“Fuck, man, now I am nervous,” Armie admits, when Timothée lies down on his stomach, and Armie stares down at him. “Promise you tell me to stop if you change your mind, okay?”</p>
<p>“I promise,” Timothée says, before closing his eyes, and trying to focus on his breathing, hoping it will help him relax. But when he feels Armie grabbing hold of his ass, his finger nervously brushing over his entrance, he can feel his whole body tensing up. Armie notices, so he takes it slow, and he is as careful as anything as he begins to push a finger in.</p>
<p>“Is this okay?” he asks, but Timothée just mumbles. “Timmy?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Timothée quickly says, and although this is the first time, and Timothée had been more than a little nervous about it, he can’t deny that it feels good. He can even feel himself relaxing at Armie’s touch, and when he presses a kiss onto his back, it’s enough to let go of those final nerves. They are replaced with an excitement, a longing to feel Armie inside of him, and he can feel himself almost growing impatient as Armie takes the time to prepare him. It almost makes him tell him to hurry up.</p>
<p>When Armie finally does push into him, it makes him cry out, not even from pain, but because the feeling is unlike anything he has ever felt.</p>
<p>“Shit, are you okay?” Armie quickly asks, but Timothée just lets out a chuckle, a little embarrassed at his own reaction. “Do you want me to stop?”</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée quickly laughs. “Don’t.”</p>
<p>“Tell me if I’m going too fast, okay?” Armie asks.</p>
<p>This time Timothée tries hard to keep quiet, so Armie slowly continues, making sure not to hurt his best friend. But after a minute or two, he begins to pick up the pace, and Timothée is unable to keep quiet any longer. His soft whimpers only seem to encourage Armie though, because his grip on his hips tightens, every push full of determination, of wanting to create another reaction, another sound.</p>
<p>“You feel so good, Timmy,” Armie admits, and only now does Timothée realize how out of breath he is. So he looks over his shoulder, and it makes his heart skip a beat to see the focused look on his best friend’s face, to see the sweat glistening on his chest.</p>
<p>But then Armie pulls out, so Timothée turns around to look at him. He watches, as Armie works to get himself off, and when he watches him come, it makes him feel so turned on, that he pulls Armie down, their mouths colliding once again, their kisses hot and heavy, tasting of nothing but sex. It makes him wish they had done this sooner, months ago. Years ago even.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why don’t we order breakfast in?” Armie suggests, after a sleepless night. Timothée is sitting on the bed, watching him, a mischievous grin on his face. “Unless you want to get dressed and go out.”</p>
<p>“I think I’d rather stay in.” Timothée grins, and Armie nods, before picking up the menu.</p>
<p>“I thought so,” he laughs, and as soon as he joins Timothée on the bed, their mouths meet again, ready to start all over again. But they know that they will need their energy, so they manage to break away from each other for just long enough to order room service, before crashing into each other again.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t want to go.”</p>
<p>“We’ll miss our train if we stay,” Armie says, already getting up from off the bed. “It leaves in…,” he checks his phone, before sighing, “an hour. So we have to get ready.”</p>
<p>“Can’t we stay here?” Timothée asks, knowing fully well that they can’t. That whatever they had shared these last hours, it has to come to an end.</p>
<p>“And do what?” Armie teases. “Huh?”</p>
<p>“I’m going to miss this.”</p>
<p>“Me too,” Armie admits. “Is it weird that I’m a little jealous?”</p>
<p>“Of what?”</p>
<p>“That some other guy gets to do this with you?”</p>
<p>Timothée can’t help but smile at Armie’s words, and he knows that he is blushing, but when Armie comes back to the bed, a serious look on his face, he wonders if this is the moment where everything is going to come crashing down. This is the moment where something will be said that changes everything.</p>
<p>“I don’t even know what it means, man,” Armie continues. “because I want you to go to New York and live the big life. I want you to meet a guy and be happy, but…”</p>
<p>Armie sighs, and for just a moment, he seems young and confused. He seems scared, but before Timothée can even try and figure out what his words mean, he has already forced a smile onto his face.</p>
<p>“I’m going to miss you,” he says, and although Timothée can see that there is something more hiding behind his smile, he just nods. “It’s been good, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“You know it, Timmy. This has been… fuck, I don’t even know,” Armie chuckles uncomfortably. “But I’m glad I got to do it with you.”</p>
<p>“I love you,” Timothée whispers, so close to telling Armie everything. But he can see the pain hiding behind his best friend’s smile, so he keeps his words to himself, not wanting to cause him any more pain.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“It looks…”</p>
<p>“Empty?” Timothée laughs, but it’s pained laughter, and Armie quickly steps up to him and wraps his arms around him. “I don’t think I’m ready to move out yet.”</p>
<p>“Of course you are. You met your roommates last week, didn’t you?”</p>
<p>“They’re great, but I’m eighteen, Armie, I’m not ready to move to New York, to…”</p>
<p>“Timmy, look at me,” Armie says, letting go of Timothée, a reassuring smile on his face. “You can do this, okay? You’ve been wanting to move to New York for as long as I’ve known you, and I know that you’re scared, but… this is the beginning of everything you have ever wanted. So you are going to go out there, and you are going to work your ass off. You are going to show everyone how amazing you are, and next time I see you…,” Armie goes on, the love inside of Timothée growing bigger with every word, “You are going to kill it, man. I know you will, because you are brilliant, do you hear me?”</p>
<p>“I’m scared.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Armie whispers, as he brings their heads together. “But if there’s anyone who can do this, it’s you. I’m so fucking proud of you, man.”</p>
<p>“I wish you could come with me.”</p>
<p>“Me too.” Armie smiles, their heads still resting together. “But I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay? You better make sure there’s a place for me to sleep there.”</p>
<p>“Is my bed not good enough anymore?” Timothée laughs. But when Armie leans back, he has a serious, almost pained look on his face. “What? It’s not like I’ll tell your parents or anything.”</p>
<p>“I love you, man.” Armie smiles, but Timothée can see that there are so many words, so many emotions hiding behind his smile. He is too scared to ask though, because what would be the point now? What if he were to ask, and Armie would tell him that he wishes they would have never kissed? What if he regrets taking that step, and he wishes they could go back to the way they were before all of that?</p>
<p>“You promise you’ll come see me, right?”</p>
<p>“Of course. Now come on, it’s time to go,” Armie says, and they take another look around in Timothée’s empty room, before going downstairs, and joining Timothée’s family, who are already waiting for them.</p>
<p>“Are you sure you’re not coming with us?” Pauline asks, but Armie shakes his head, a disappointed look on his face. “Your parents won’t let you?”</p>
<p>“I’m sure Armie has better things to do than drive all the way out to New York just to drop Tim off,” Nicole says, a teary smile on her face. “So, are you ready?”</p>
<p>“I think so,” Timothée says, but when Armie puts his hand on his back, he can feel the tears beginning to well up in his eyes. He looks up at him, and he can see that Armie is fighting his tears too, even though he is still trying his very best to show him his best smile.</p>
<p>“Let’s leave the boys to say goodbye,” Marc suggests, and he leads his wife out to the car, Pauline following them. But as soon as they have left, a tear rolls down Timothée’s face, it now truly hitting him that this is the moment he will have to say goodbye to his best friend.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to go,” Timothée whispers, and Armie brings a hand up to the side of his neck, the most heartbroken smile on his face. “I love you, Armie.”</p>
<p>Armie nods, before pressing his lips against Timothée’s. But it is the most heartbreaking kiss, and by the time they step away from each other, they are both in tears.</p>
<p>“You should go now,” Armie says, and Timothée nods, but he doesn’t leave. Instead, he lets himself fall into his best friend’s arms, not ready to say goodbye to him just yet. Armie caresses the back of his neck, before kissing the top of his head, holding onto him for the longest time. But in the end they know they will have to let go of each other, that they will have to say goodbye.</p>
<p>“You are going to love it out there,” Armie tries, and Timothée nods. “I’ll see you, okay?”</p>
<p>They share another hug, before leaving the house, and going up to the car, where the Chalamets are already waiting. Timothée gets in, the tears still falling from his eyes, and when they drive off, he breaks down, the sight of Armie standing there, all alone, breaking his heart more than anything.</p>
<p>“He’ll be okay,” Pauline says, as she grabs her brother’s hand. “And so will you. This is just the beginning, Tim.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That was the end of the first part of the story. Next chapter is the start of part two. 😘 </p>
<p>https://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. “Why didn’t you tell me?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for all your kind words after the last chapter. I'm not very good at replying, so I'm really sorry about that. But just know that I truly appreciate all your kindness. ❤️<br/>Here's another big hug after (yet another) long week. 🤗</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p>Timothée has just put his groceries in the back of the car, when he hears a familiar voice. It’s been years since he has heard Armie’s voice, and he tells himself he must be imagining it. But when he turns around, he sees his former best friend and his mother walking past his car. For a moment he considers going up to them to say hello, but it’s been too long, and he wouldn’t even know what to say to him anymore. So he is about to get into the car and go home, but instinctively he turns to look at Armie one more time, and this time Armie is looking over his shoulder, and their eyes meet.</p>
<p>It takes a moment, but Timothée can see the moment when Armie realizes that it’s truly him. Because he gets the biggest grin on his face, and he tells his mother something, before coming over to him.</p>
<p>“Timmy? What are you doing here?” he asks, and without hesitating, he wraps his arms around him, giving him the biggest, tightest hug. “I thought you were living in New York these days.”</p>
<p>“I was. I got back last week,” Timothée explains, unable to hide the uncomfortable look on his face when Dru joins them. “Hello, Mrs. Hammer.”</p>
<p>“Timothée, darling, it’s so good to see you again. How have you been?” she asks, and Timothée is shocked to see the friendly smile on her face. She seems different, more relaxed, and he almost asks her what has happened. But he manages to keep the words in, instead answering her question.</p>
<p>“I’ve been alright, working a lot.”</p>
<p>“We are about to have lunch. Why don’t you join us?” Dru suggests. “It’ll be good for you boys to catch up again, won’t it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Armie agrees, the big grin still on his face, and Timothée can’t help but notice how much more handsome he has gotten. He had always been handsome, though a little awkward, but the years have definitely been good on him, and Timothée can’t deny that he can still feel his insides stir when he looks at him.</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Wow,” Timothée laughs, as he follows Armie into his bedroom. His childhood bedroom. “You still live with your parents?”</p>
<p>“Yeah…,” Armie chuckles awkwardly. “I was going to move out, but then my dad got sick, so…”</p>
<p>“Is he okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, he’s fine.” Armie shrugs. “But I ehm… yeah…”</p>
<p>“What?” Timothée laughs, as he sits down on the bed, feeling weird to be back here, but it makes him feel a strange sense of comfort. It makes him feel like they had hung out just last week instead of five years ago.</p>
<p>“The plan is to move in with my girlfriend after we get married, so…”</p>
<p>“You’re engaged?”</p>
<p>“Not yet, but we’ve been together for almost two years, so yeah…” Armie shrugs. “It doesn’t make sense for me to get a place, only to have to move again in a couple of months, you know?”</p>
<p>“What’s her name?”</p>
<p>“Alice.”</p>
<p>Timothée can’t help but notice the blush on Armie’s face, and it brings the biggest smile to his face.</p>
<p>“So why can’t you move in with her now? I mean, two years is a pretty long time, right?” he asks, but when Armie sits down next to him on the bed, the blush on his face growing darker, he remembers what Armie had told him all those years ago. “You’re not allowed to live with her until you’re married?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Wait, so… oh, wow,” Timothée laughs, “Have you two even… you’ve kissed her, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course!” Armie laughs, but Timothée can still see right through him, even after such a long time apart. “I can kiss her. But yeah… we can’t… you know? Share a bed, or live together.”</p>
<p>“They’re still holding you to that? They know you’re not a virgin anymore, right?” Timothée laughs, keeping his voice down so Armie’s parents downstairs won’t hear him.</p>
<p>“I am! I haven’t slept with her,” Armie says, an offended look on his face. “Why am I even discussing this with you?”</p>
<p>“You know why. We…”</p>
<p>“What? Because we… you know that didn’t count, right?”</p>
<p>“What are you talking about?” Timothée asks, “Why wouldn’t that count? We had sex, Armie. I’m no expert on the rules of your whole… being a virgin, but I’d say that you kind of ruined it when we…”</p>
<p>“Because it wasn’t real,” Armie mumbles, and Timothée doesn’t even bother to hide how much the words are hurting him. “That was just… it wasn’t real, man. That stuff didn’t count.”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>Armie gets up, and he goes over to his desk. Timothée almost considers getting up and leaving. He will tell Dru he isn’t feeling well, then go home and never come back here. But when Armie turns around, he has tears in his eyes, so Timothée gets up, and he goes over to him.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, man. I’ve really missed you,” Armie tries to explain, and Timothée wraps his arms around him. “I didn’t mean… you know that stuff meant a lot to me, right? What we did.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Timothée whispers, as he caresses the back of his former best friend’s neck. There are so many things he wants to say, wants to argue him on, but what would be the point? “It’s good to see you again.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Armie asks, before stepping away from him. “What are you doing back here? Were you sick of New York?”</p>
<p>“No, not at all. I loved New York,” Timothée says. “I was in my second year when I was offered a job in a play, and I’ve been working ever since. But the play I was in, it got cancelled, my… things just didn’t work out, so I decided to come home and see my family again.”</p>
<p>“Your…?” Armie asks, a knowing grin on his face. “Your boyfriend?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I was seeing this guy, but…” Timothée shrugs, feeling a little uncomfortable to discuss this with Armie. “It wasn’t anything serious,” he adds, feeling like he somehow has to downplay it. But when Armie just nods, he sighs, because what does he even care? They were friends years ago, so what should he care if he has a boyfriend or not?</p>
<p>“I’m sorry things didn’t work out, with both the boyfriend and the play.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. So what have you been up to? Other than finally finding yourself a girlfriend?” Timothée laughs, trying to lighten the mood.</p>
<p>“I work at my dad’s company now. I think the plan is for me to take over when he retires,” Armie explains. “Not much has changed. You know what this town is like.”</p>
<p>“You’ve changed,” Timothée says, but when he sees the hurt look on Armie’s face, he quickly flashes a smile. “I mean that you’ve grown a lot more… you know…”</p>
<p>“What?” Armie laughs nervously, but when Timothée flashes his non-existent muscles, he can’t help but laugh.</p>
<p>“You’re pretty good-looking,” Timothée admits, unable to hide the mischievous grin on his face. “Alice is a lucky lady.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“You ehm… you know I was in love with you, right?” Timothée asks, but when he sees the smile leaving Armie’s face, he wishes he could take back the words. It’s too late now though, so he takes a deep breath, before adding; “Not when we first started out… whatever we were doing. But by the time we first slept together, I knew I was in love with you.”</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell me?”</p>
<p>“What would’ve been the point?” Timothée shrugs. “It only would’ve made it weird. Besides, I thought you knew.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t. I’m so sorry, man, if I had known…”</p>
<p>“What? You wouldn’t have kissed me so many times?” Timothée laughs, trying to make things a bit less uncomfortable, and a bit more playful again. But he can see the pensive look on Armie’s face, and he knows that it isn’t working. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have said anything.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I didn’t… I don’t know…,” Armie sighs, before sitting down at his desk. “I’m sorry you went through that, and you felt like you couldn’t tell me. You know it wouldn’t have mattered, right?”</p>
<p>“I know.” Timothée smiles, his heart skipping a beat when, for just a moment, he sees his best friend looking at him. He sees his best friend, his first love, the first person who had broken his heart. Over the years his vision of him had changed, but as he sees him sitting there, he remembers just who he was, who he had always been. He remembers all the time they had spent playing video games, or listening to music in the backyard.</p>
<p>For months they had tried to stay in contact, and Armie was meant to come out to New York, but every time something had come up, and somehow their calls had gone from every day to once a week, then once a month, until it was a short text now and then. And when Timothée had found new friends in New York, when he had met a guy, he had stopped texting Armie. Of course he had missed him, but his heart was still broken, so he had told himself that it would be for the best. And over the years he had told himself that Armie had never been that great anyway, that he didn’t need him anymore, that he was over him, over their friendship.</p>
<p>But as he sees him sitting there, it fully hits him just how much he has missed him. But being back here, it also makes him realize that he wasn’t lying when he told himself that he was over him. Because although he can still feel everything he had felt for him all those years ago, he knows that Armie is happy, that he has his own life, and he couldn’t be happier for him.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“She is such a lovely girl,” Dru says, the proudest smile on her face. “She is going to make a wonderful wife, Armie.”</p>
<p>“One day.”</p>
<p>“It’s been such a long time already. Why haven’t you proposed yet? We were all expecting a proposal last Christmas.”</p>
<p>“One day,” Armie laughs, looking more than just a little uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“Unbelievable,” Dru laughs, before turning her attention towards Timothée. “What about you? Do you have a girlfriend back in New York?”</p>
<p>“Oh, ehm…,” Timothée begins, but then he shakes his head. “No…”</p>
<p>“A boy like you. How have you not been snatched up yet?”</p>
<p>“My relationship ended just before I got back here,” Timothée explains. “He… ehm, she… yeah, it…,” he stutters, but by the looks on Dru and Michael’s faces he can tell that he has already messed up.</p>
<p>“He?” Dru asks, trying to keep a straight face, but her mask is beginning to slip. “You had a boyfriend?”</p>
<p>“You’re gay?” Michael asks, not even trying to hide the look of disgust on his face.</p>
<p>“Yeah…”</p>
<p>“Did you know?” Dru asks, but Timothée can see the panicked look on Armie’s face, so he quickly shakes his head, hoping Armie will deny it, to try and get himself out of this situation.</p>
<p>“Yeah, he told me.” Armie shrugs, “Why?”</p>
<p>Timothée feels a proud smile forming on his lips, but when he hears Michael’s stern voice, the smile quickly leaves his face.</p>
<p>“I think maybe it’s time for you to go home.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Timothée quickly says, and he gets up. “Thank you for the lunch. I ehm… yeah,” he mumbles, before leaving the room. He can hear Armie following him, and they don’t stop until they have reached the front door.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about my parents. I should have told them.”</p>
<p>“No, I should have kept my mouth shut,” Timothée quickly says. “About what I said earlier… I shouldn’t have said that either. I’m really happy for you, about Alice, and…”</p>
<p>“I love you, man,” Armie blurts out. “I have really missed you, so I don’t know how long you’re in town for, but I’m going out with my friends for my birthday, and I would really like for you to be there.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’d be great for you to meet Alice, my friends…,” Armie says, but then he looks over his shoulder, before looking back at Timothée, a pained look on his face.</p>
<p>“I’m used to worse, Armie,” Timothée quickly says, and Armie gives a small nod. “But I would love to meet Alice. Unless she’s like your parents.”</p>
<p>“She’s not. I hope,” Armie laughs. “Do you still have the same number?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Just text me where it is, and I’ll be there.”</p>
<p>Timothée flashes a crooked grin, obviously still feeling a little uncomfortable, before stepping out of the house.</p>
<p>“Timmy?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“You look great.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>
  <a href="http://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/">You can find me on Tumblr! ❤️</a>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. “Do you think she knows?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>As you've probably noticed from this update, I will now be updating Break Through The Clouds twice a week instead of once a week.<br/>I have also moved all my CMBYN RPF fics to my <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/CoffeeShopStoryteller">CoffeeShopStoryteller pseud</a>, and I will be doing the same with this one. So the name on the story will change, but don't worry, that's just me reorganising my fics!<br/>Xx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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</p><p> </p><p>Timothée is about to head into the restaurant, but when he sees Armie through the window, the beautiful woman next to him caressing the back of his neck as they are chatting to their friends, he wonders if coming here was a bad idea. What good will it do to spend time with each other now, after such a long time apart? Timothée knows that he has changed, and he knows that Armie must have too. They have their own lives now, and he can’t help but wonder where that puts them. Where do they fit into each other’s lives? What part are they meant to play?</p><p>He almost turns around, ready to say goodbye to Armie once and for all, but Armie had invited him here, and just this afternoon, he had sent him a text, telling him he couldn’t wait to see him again. So he takes a deep breath, before going into the restaurant, and making his way over to Armie and his friends.</p><p>“Timmy!”</p><p>Armie jumps up, and he pulls him in for a hug, the tension in Timothée’s body ebbing away as he feels Armie’s warm breath on his neck.</p><p>“I’m glad you made it,” Armie whispers into his ear, and for just a moment, he is reminded of the first time they had kissed. But he quickly shakes off the thought, and he frees himself from Armie’s grip.</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>“Wow, so you actually exist,” the woman who was sitting next to Armie laughs. “I have heard so much about the boy who went to New York and never came back.”</p><p>“We all have,” a man laughs, and Timothée can’t help but notice the sheepish grin on Armie’s face. “We were beginning to think you weren’t real.”</p><p>“Oh, he is real,” Armie laughs. “Guys, this is Timothée. This is…”</p><p>Armie introduces his friends around the table, but Timothée has already forgotten their names, only interested in meeting the woman who has stolen Armie’s heart.</p><p>“…and this is Alice.”</p><p>“It’s so nice to finally meet you,” Alice says, flashing the biggest smile. Timothée shakes her hand, and he is relieved to find himself able to return her smile. He was scared that although he is happy for Armie, he would have been jealous once he would meet Alice, that somehow he would hate her for having what he had once wished for. But there is no hate, no jealousy. Alice sits him down, before beginning to ask him all about his time in New York, and he can understand why Armie would fall for her, because she is beautiful, and she is exactly the kind of woman Timothée would have expected him to end up with.</p><p>“So how was it to see each other again after… it’s been three years, right?”</p><p>“Five years,” Timothée says, and he feels a smile forming on his face, when Armie turns away from another conversation to focus on Alice and him. “It’s a little weird.”</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“We used to hang out every day, and then we just… I don’t know.” Timothée shrugs, and he can see the guilty look on Armie’s face, but he tries to ignore it, and he continues, “We just stopped talking.”</p><p>“It’s such a shame,” Alice says, “But I believe that everything in life happens for a reason. So I am sure that whatever happened was meant to happen, just like you were meant to find each other again.”</p><p>“I agree,” Armie says, and his girlfriend looks over her shoulder, the biggest smile on her face. “This time when you go back to New York, we’ll make sure to keep in touch.”</p><p>“If not, we will just have to come out there and find you.” Alice smiles. “Do you know when you will go back?”</p><p>“Not yet. I was thinking I might stay here for a little while. I haven’t been back since I moved, so…” Timothée shrugs.</p><p>“That would be lovely,” Alice says, “It gives you the chance to spend some time together again.”</p><p>“Yeah.” Timothée nods, a little uncomfortable, because when they used to hang out as teenagers, they would either play video games, or later on they would be intimate, but what would they do now? Go out for a beer? Go see a movie?</p><p>“And what about when you go back? Do you have any plays coming up?”</p><p>“Not really. This play I was in was meant to keep me busy for a couple of months, so there’s no reason to rush back.”</p><p>“Good,” Armie says, and Timothée looks at him, a confused look on his face. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sorry the play was cancelled, but I’m glad you’re here.”</p><p>“Look at his happy face,” Alice laughs, before leaning into Armie and kissing him. Timothée quickly looks away, remembering the last time Armie had kissed him, the day they had said goodbye. He still regrets so much that had happened that year, from his friendship with Armie coming to an end, to the parties, the drugs, all the different guys he had been with, just to try and numb the pain. But he still doesn’t regret all the times he and Armie had kissed, all the times they had shared something with each other that they haven’t, and will never share with anyone else. Because even though Timothée has been with other guys since, it had never felt the same, because there had never been the same kind of intimacy, and although he is sure that Armie loves Alice, he knows that what they will share, it will be worlds away from what he and Timothée had shared all those years ago.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Excuse me,” Timothée says, as they are waiting for dessert. He gets up, and he makes his way over to the bathroom upstairs, just to get away from the conversation at the table, which had turned to politics.</p><p>As soon as he steps into the large bathroom, he feels like he can finally breathe again. He had been trying his best to stay out of conversations, to keep his life to himself, and to keep the mood nice and happy. But it has made him feel tense and uneasy, and all he wants to do is go home. But he knows he will have to deal with it for just a little longer, for Armie’s sake.</p><p>So he splashes some water into his face, before turning around to go back to the table. But the door opens, and Armie comes in, a look on his face which Timothée can’t quite place.</p><p>“Are you…?” he begins to ask, but Armie pushes him up against the wall, and he kisses him with such a force, that he isn’t sure if this is a good thing, or if Armie is angry with him. Still, he kisses him back, and he grabs onto Armie’s back, but the touch seems to make Armie snap out of it, because he steps back, his face flushed.</p><p>“Armie…”</p><p>“I’ve missed you, man,” Armie admits, cutting Timothée off, but Timothée just smiles, not knowing what else to say. Not knowing how to react to Armie’s kiss.</p><p>But when Armie grabs his arm, and he drags him into one of the stalls, he feels like he is seventeen again, about to be touched by his best friend for the very first time.</p><p>“What are you…?” he begins to ask, when Armie kneels down, already pulling down his jeans to expose his dick. But Armie ignores him, and he takes his dick into his mouth without any hesitation. The feel of Armie’s mouth working its magic on his dick again, it makes Timothée weak at the knees, those butterflies which he thought he would never feel again, now definitely back, stronger than ever before. He doesn’t have the time to think about them though, because Armie looks up at him, a confident grin on his face, before taking his dick into his mouth again.</p><p>“I had forgotten how good you were at this,” Timothée laughs, keeping his voice down, but it only makes Armie work harder, his hand working together in sync with his mouth, and for a moment, Timothée wonders if he has done this to other men. But then he shakes the thought, because this is Armie, who had told him dozens of times that he didn’t want to do anything like this with anyone else. Armie, who had told him so many times that he is straight, who has a girlfriend, who is downstairs, probably wondering what is taking them so long.</p><p>Timothée can feel that he is getting close, and Armie seems to know too, because he takes the full length of his dick into his mouth, the feeling enough to send Timothée over the edge. He watches, as Armie keeps sucking him off, not ready for this to end just yet.</p><p>When he gets up, he has a big grin on his face, and Timothée wonders how long he has been wanting to do this. If he has been thinking about it ever since they said goodbye, or if he had thought of it just now as he decided to follow him to the bathroom.</p><p>Timothée pulls his jeans up, not sure where to go from here, but he can feel Armie’s eyes on him, and when he looks back up, he sees the young man staring back at him, the eighteen-year old. So he leans in, and he kisses him, Armie wrapping his arms around his waist, and pulling him close.</p><p>“Fuck,” Timothée chuckles nervously, as he rests his head on the other man’s shoulder. “What are we doing?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Armie admits, before kissing Timothée’s neck, and letting go of him. “We should get back.”</p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p>They get cleaned up, not saying another word, but when Armie is about to leave, Timothée feels the anxiety creeping up on him.</p><p>“Armie?”</p><p>Armie turns around, his eyes not nearly as big or bright as they had been only minutes before, and it makes Timothée hold back his words. No idea whether saying something will make things worse or not.</p><p>“Tell me,” Armie says, and he flashes a nervous smile.</p><p>“We’re okay, right?” Timothée asks, but Armie just nods. “It’s not like, a big deal or anything, what we just did.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>The mood is growing more uncomfortable by the second, so they make their way back downstairs, and they join Armie’s friends and Alice again, who are already enjoying their dessert.</p><p>“What took you so long?” one of Armie’s friends asks. “We were about to send out a search party.”</p><p>“You almost had me thinking you had dragged him off to New York with you,” Alice laughs. “Where were you? Is everything okay?”</p><p>“We just started talking about a play he was in,” Armie lies. “Did you know he worked with that guy you like? The ehm… the one with the green hair.”</p><p>“Oh, wow!” Alice says, turning to face Timothée, who can’t help but notice how Armie cleverly changed the subject. But he can see the guilty look on his face though, and it takes him everything to fake a smile as he tells Alice all about the play.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“How was it?” Pauline asks, as soon as she has answered her brother’s video call later that night. “How was Armie? What’s Alice like?”</p><p>“She’s great,” Timothée says, but his sister raises an eyebrow, a knowing look on her face. “She is. They are perfect together.”</p><p>“But?”</p><p>“Nothing. She is great.”</p><p>“Tim!” Pauline laughs. “I know that look. What happened?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Timothée sighs, still trying to wrap his head around what had happened earlier that night. But every time he lets his mind go back to it, he feels like a nervous teenager again, and it feels like tonight was part of another life. Like it somehow hadn’t really happened tonight, instead it was a part of what had happened when they were younger.</p><p>“You’re not still in love with him, are you?”</p><p>“No, I’m not,” Timothée says, and last week he would have meant it, he wouldn’t have had any doubts. But tonight he had felt those butterflies again, and as happy as he is for Armie and Alice, he can feel all of those feelings of love coming back to him, and he isn’t sure what to do with them. It had taken him months, if not years to truly get over him, and he knows that if they had never run into each other, he wouldn’t be having these feelings anymore. But here they are, and he knows that he will have to find a way to deal with it, one way or another.</p><p>“What happened tonight?” Pauline asks, no longer teasing him, because she can see the broken young man in him again. “And don’t give me any of that ‘I am happy for him’ bullshit, Tim.”</p><p>“He followed me when I went to the bathroom,” Timothée says, but he feels like he is betraying Armie by telling his sister. But she was there for him through everything, and he knows that if he keeps this to himself, it will only drive him mad. “He kissed me.”</p><p>“While his girlfriend was there?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“What did you do?”</p><p>“I kissed him back,” Timothée admits. “And we ehm…”</p><p>“Tim!”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You fucked him, didn’t you?” Pauline asks, “Does this mean…?”</p><p>“No!” Timothée quickly says, not giving his sister a chance to finish her question. “We didn’t have sex.”</p><p>“But?” Pauline laughs, and Timothée can feel the blush creeping up on him. “You know I’m not going to let this go until you tell me, so you might as well just say it.”</p><p>“He gave me a blowjob,” Timothée admits, and his sister stares at him for the longest time. It makes Timothée wonder if the connection is somehow failing, but then his sisters bursts out laughing, and it makes him close his eyes, feeling too embarrassed to face her any longer. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you.”</p><p>“So what does this mean? Are you two having an affair?”</p><p>“No! He is in love with Alice. This was just… I don’t know.”</p><p>“Sucking your dick for old times’ sake?” Pauline suggests, failing to keep a straight face. “Do you think she knows?”</p><p>“I doubt he will tell her.”</p><p>“Not about tonight, but about what you two used to get up to. I would definitely want to know if my future husband’s first experiences were with a guy, especially one that he is seeing again.”</p><p>“We’re not ‘seeing’ each other. It’s not like that. I told you, he was curious, that’s why we did all that. It has nothing to do with their relationship, so I don’t see why he would have told her.” Timothée shrugs, but Pauline rolls her eyes, and he knows that she has a point. “I don’t know what tonight was, but Armie loves her. You should have seen them together.”</p><p>“Then why was he with you tonight, huh? When you were together when you were younger, you were both single, and…”</p><p>“We were not together,” Timothée says, but his sister ignores him and she continues.</p><p>“… you weren’t hurting anyone with what you were doing. But if he is really in love with this woman, then he can’t do this anymore. Unless they have some kind of agreement going on, but if he’s still the same Armie, then I highly doubt that.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Don’t let yourself get dragged into this, Tim. I know you were in love with him… are in love with him, whatever. But you deserve better than to be his piece on the side.”</p><p>“I’m not his piece on the side,” Timothée laughs uncomfortably. “What happened tonight… it had nothing to do with ‘being together’, or having an affair. It was just something that happened.”</p><p>“And is it going to happen again?”</p><p>“No,” Timothée says, and he means it. “He loves Alice, and they are happy. I don’t want to mess that up.”</p><p>“So she really isn’t some horrible cow?”</p><p>“She’s really nice.” Timothée smiles, “and they look ridiculously good together.”</p><p>“I really wanted her to be horrible,” Pauline sighs, a grin slowly forming on her face. “I wanted to hate her.”</p><p>“Me too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
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  <a href="http://samunderthelights.tumblr.com/">You can find me on Tumblr! ❤️</a>
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        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. “I don’t have a choice.”</h2></a>
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</p><p> </p><p>The day after Armie’s birthday dinner, Timothée had gotten a text from him, asking him if they could meet up again. Timothée had ignored it though, not sure if seeing each other again would be a good idea. He was somehow expecting, even secretly hoping, that Armie would keep trying to meet up, that he would call him and tell him that what had happened hadn’t been a mistake. That he had been wanting to do that ever since they had said goodbye. But when Timothée had ignored his text, no other texts had followed, and Timothée figured it was probably for the best. Because Armie is happy with Alice, so whatever had happened at the restaurant, it had been a slip-up, it had been a visit to the past, but it hadn’t meant anything, and it would be best to pretend it had never happened at all.</p><p>Timothée is just doing the dishes, thinking about what he might do later, seeing as his parents are gone for the weekend, when the doorbell rings. He goes to open the door, expecting it to be a delivery, but when he finds Armie standing there, he isn’t sure how to react. Because he had told himself that they wouldn’t see each other again, and after not hearing from him since last week, he had even started to believe it.</p><p>“Can I come in?”</p><p>“Sure.” Timothée nods, and he lets Armie in. But when they step into the living room, it’s obvious that they are both thinking about the last time they were there together. It had been the last time they had seen each other before Timothée had left for New York, and being back here now, it creates an uncomfortable atmosphere which they both can’t ignore.</p><p>“Did you get my text?” Armie finally asks, trying to break through the tension.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“I wanted to talk to you about what happened, but…”</p><p>“There’s no need,” Timothée quickly says. “I won’t tell anyone.”</p><p>“I know. But I still feel like we need to talk about it.”</p><p>“There’s nothing to say, is there?” Timothée shrugs. “You said it the other day, that stuff doesn’t count. It’s not real.”</p><p>“Timmy…”</p><p>“Why are you here, Armie?”</p><p>“Because…,” Armie begins, but then he shrugs, a pained look on his face. “Of course it was real, man. What we did… I still think about it.”</p><p>Timothée can hear a thousand questions running through his mind, but when he opens his mouth, not a word comes out, because he doesn’t have a clue what to say, what to do. He doesn’t know why Armie is here, what it is that he wants. And he is scared that if he does speak, he will say the wrong thing, and he will mess it all up. And although they are not as close as they used to be, and he feels more than just a little frustrated right now, hurting Armie is still the last thing he wants to do.</p><p>“Did you mean it?” Armie asks, making Timothée snap out of his thoughts. “Were you really in love with me?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>“Because you were my best friend, Armie,” Timothée sighs. “I knew that you didn’t have those kinds of feelings for me.”</p><p>“How?”</p><p>“How?” Timothée laughs. “Because you’re straight. And I figured if I’d tell you, it would only scare you off.”</p><p>“You should have told me,” Armie says, and there is something in his eyes that makes another question pop up in Timothée’s mind, but he doesn’t dare ask it.</p><p>“I thought you knew,” Timothée admits. “In a way. The way you treated me… I thought you knew.”</p><p>“I didn’t,” Armie mumbles, as he sits down on the couch, before burying his face in his hands. All Timothée wants to do is go over to him, hold him, try and comfort him, but he feels like he doesn’t have the right to, so he stays where he is, and he watches as Armie wipes tears from his eyes, trying to pretend they hadn’t been there in the first place.</p><p>“Why didn’t you ask me?” Armie asks, when he finally looks up again. “If I’m gay.”</p><p>“Because I knew you weren’t. You told me.”</p><p>“With all that we did… everything I said to you…”</p><p>“Do you want me to ask?” Timothée asks, and he can see Armie trying his best to blink more tears away. “Are you?”</p><p>“You know I am.”</p><p>Timothée nods, only now truly allowing himself to admit it even to himself. No matter how many times Armie had told him that he was straight, the question had always been in the back of his mind. He had tried his best to ignore it, together with all the times Armie had seemed to be on the verge of saying something, before changing his mind again. He had told himself that it hadn’t meant anything, that Armie was simply in it for the sake of curiosity, nothing more. But he had been trying to protect himself, and only now, as he watches Armie sitting there, struggling to hold back his tears, does he realize that he had known it, deep down, the moment Armie had first brought it up, that day they were out in the backyard listening to that song.</p><p>“What about Alice? Does she know?”</p><p>Armie shakes his head, an embarrassed look on his face, so Timothée sits down next to him, and he grabs his hand, hoping that it will give him some kind of comfort, because he knows how big of a deal it is for him to have just said those words. Probably for the first time ever.</p><p>“You’re not bi?”</p><p>“No. I wish,” Armie chuckles uncomfortably. “But she’s great.”</p><p>“She is.”</p><p>“I’m scared,” Armie admits, looking down at his and Timothée’s hands. “You know what my parents are like. You saw the way they reacted when they found out you’re gay.”</p><p>“Is that why you’re with Alice?”</p><p>“It’s what they expect me to do.” Armie shrugs. “I’m supposed to get married, have kids… take over my dad’s company. I can’t be gay.”</p><p>“But you are.”</p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p>“Have you told anyone?” Timothée asks. “Have you been with other guys?”</p><p>“Of course not,” Armie says, sounding offended and hurt. “This is my life, man. I have Alice, work… I am not one of those guys, going out behind her back, fucking around. That’s not who I am. I am still…”</p><p>“A virgin?” Timothée teases, giving a small squeeze in the other man’s hand, and it brings a blush to his face.</p><p>“I haven’t been with anyone but you. I can’t.”</p><p>“Because you don’t want to cheat on Alice, or because you can’t be with a guy?” Timothée asks. “I know what your parents are like, Armie, but you could just move somewhere else and live your own life there without them ever having to find out about it.”</p><p>“And keep my life a secret?”</p><p>“Are you not keeping things from them now?” Timothée asks, but when another tear rolls down Armie’s face, he wipes it away for him, before pressing a kiss to his lips and letting out a sigh.</p><p>“I don’t have a choice. It would tear my parents apart if they found out.”</p><p>“But is this what you want?” Timothée asks. “This life with Alice? Do you love her?”</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>“Are you happy?”</p><p>“Happy enough,” Armie says, and the words break Timothée’s heart, and it takes all of his strength to keep his tears in. Because this is, no matter what has happened, his best friend, and he wishes him all the happiness in the world. To hear what he is going through, has been going through for years, to hear that this is the life he is going to put up with, it makes him feel like somehow he has failed him.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, as he rests his head on the other man’s shoulder. Armie presses a kiss into his hair, before letting out a long sigh.</p><p>“It’s not your fault.”</p><p>“Please don’t take this the wrong way, because I understand why you are choosing to live this life, and I’m not trying to make you do anything you don’t want to do. But if you ever do decide to come out, then I am here for you. You know that, right?” Timothée asks. “No matter what happens with your family or Alice, I will always have your back.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I still love you.”</p><p>“Yeah?” Armie asks, and Timothée looks up at him, noticing the blush on his face. “I am so sorry I never came to see you.”</p><p>“Was it my fault? I feel like I was the one who stopped texting, but…”</p><p>“It wasn’t,” Armie quickly says.</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“I was living in some kind of blur in all those months we were together. Not together, but… whatever we had,” he quickly adds, “But then you left, and it gave me time to actually think about it. You know, I kept telling myself that everyone was doing it, that I was just another straight guy, wanting to try out everything before I settled down, but…” He sighs. “But I had been telling myself that for years.”</p><p>“When did you know?”</p><p>“I can’t tell you,” Armie chuckles uncomfortably, but when Timothée gives his hand another squeeze, he looks over to the fireplace, where the family pictures are. There is one of a family trip the Chalamets had gone on, and Armie had gone with them. They must have been twelve or thirteen, and they had had the best time. Even from their smiles in the picture, as they have their arms around each other’s shoulder, anyone can tell how close they were, even then.</p><p>“Remember when you told me you were in love with Emily?”</p><p>“Emily?” Timothée laughs. “But that was…” He looks over to the pictures too, and it is beginning to dawn on him what Armie is trying to tell him.</p><p>“I didn’t know why I hated her so much, but when you told me you had kissed her, and all I could think was how I wanted to be the one to kiss you… that’s when I knew,” Armie admits.</p><p>“Wait, so… you wanted to kiss me?”</p><p>“Yes, Timmy,” Armie laughs. “I almost did, on that trip. Remember we shared a tent?”</p><p>“Fuck…”</p><p>“Yeah,” Armie sighs. “I tried my best to ignore it, because I knew what my parents would do if they’d find out. But then you were listening to this song, and I just… I don’t know, man, I just wanted you to know.”</p><p>“But you never told me.”</p><p>“I tried, so many times. But I was still trying to convince myself that I was straight,” Armie explains, and Timothée can’t believe his best friend was going through all that, without him ever knowing. “I figured if I’d just keep quiet, it would one day go away.”</p><p>“You can’t change this, Armie.”</p><p>“I know. Trust me, I’ve tried,” Armie sighs, and Timothée lets go of his hand, and instead places his hand on Armie’s thigh, still wanting to hold onto him somehow. “The minute I realized why I was so jealous of Emily, I just started to pray. I have lost count of how many times I have begged Him to make me straight. To make me ‘normal’. I hate myself for the things I have asked Him, the things I promised I would do, if only he could fix me.”</p><p>Timothée can see the pain, the shame, not only on Armie’s face, but in the way he is holding himself. Almost as though he wants nothing more than to disappear.</p><p>“There is nothing wrong with you.”</p><p>“I know,” Armie says, wiping more tears from his eyes. “That’s why I’m so angry. Because I feel like there is nothing wrong with me, but I hate who I am, because I know what it will do to my family.”</p><p>“You can’t live your life for them. That’s not fair.”</p><p>“I don’t care if it’s fair,” Armie spits out. “None of this is fair. Don’t you think I would give anything to be like you? To have your family?”</p><p>“So you’re going to keep it from them for the rest of your life?”</p><p>“I don’t have a choice.”</p><p>Timothée gives a small nod, knowing that no matter what he says, it won’t make a difference.</p><p>“I do love her, you know?”</p><p>“I know. She’s great.” Timothée smiles, but there are still tears falling from Armie’s eyes, so he wipes them away, before leaning in, and pressing a kiss to his lips. “Please talk to me, Armie. I know you can’t talk to your family, or your girlfriend, but talk to me.”</p><p>“It hurts to talk to you,” Armie admits, and the words break Timothée’s heart, “Do you remember that night at the hotel?”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>“We were happy, right?”</p><p>Timothée wraps his arms around the other man, wanting to say so many things, but how can he explain to him that he wishes more for him? That he wishes he would have told him all of this years ago, that maybe they would have had a chance then. That Armie could have moved to New York with him, and they could have started a life together there, far away from his family, from any judgment. But it’s too late now.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. “You might even enjoy it.”</h2></a>
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</p><p> </p><p>Timothée hadn’t slept a wink, his conversation with Armie repeating itself in his mind over and over again. So when Armie shows up again the next day, suggesting they stay in, instead of going out for a drink, Timothée doesn’t hesitate to agree.</p><p>They go out into the backyard, and they lie down in the grass, the fact that this is where it had all started, not going unnoticed. But they lie there in complete silence, their fingers brushing against each other’s ever so often, until Armie finally grabs a hold of Timothée’s hand.</p><p>“Are you okay, about what we talked about yesterday?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Armie admits, before turning to face the other man. “I’m scared, I guess.”</p><p>“That people are going to find out?”</p><p>“Not even that. It’s just this weight in here,” Armie sighs, as he brings his hand up to his chest. “I feel like I’m about to burst sometimes. My mother keeps asking me when I’m going to propose to Alice, Alice keeps making the least subtle comments about weddings, about dresses… places we could go to for our honeymoon…”</p><p>“You are going to marry her, aren’t you?”</p><p>“I have to,” Armie says, and it kills Timothée to hear him speak like this. Because it shouldn’t be like this, he should be able to marry the person he wants to be with. Not the person he feels he should be with, just because to him, it feels like the right thing to do. Not even for himself, but for others.</p><p>“You don’t have to do anything,” Timothée tries, “If you don’t want to marry her, or you’re not ready, you don’t have to do it. I know you feel like you do, because of your parents, but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get married. I am not even talking about coming out, but I’m just saying you shouldn’t let yourself get pressured into doing something you don’t want to do.”</p><p>“It’ll have to happen sometime, right?” Armie shrugs, but when he sees the look on the other man’s face, he looks back up at the sky.</p><p>“So why haven’t you asked her yet?”</p><p>“Because I’m scared.”</p><p>“That she’ll find out about you?”</p><p>“In a way,” Armie admits, and a long silence follows, so Timothée figures he is done talking about it. But then he breaks the silence, and he explains; “I am not ready to marry her, because once we are married, I will have to sleep with her.”</p><p>“Oh…”</p><p>“And I don’t know if I can,” Armie admits, not even trying to hide the pain in his voice.</p><p>“Everyone is nervous when it comes to their first time, but once you have gotten that first time over with…”</p><p>“It’s not my first time though, is it?” Armie interrupts, and Timothée sighs, freeing his hand from Armie’s grip. “I’ve already had sex, with you.”</p><p>“That didn’t count, remember?”</p><p>“Of course it did. You were my first,” Armie says, keeping his voice down, even though there is no one around to hear them. “I haven’t been with anyone since.”</p><p>“I’m sure it’ll be fine. Just talk to her beforehand, and…”</p><p>“I don’t want to talk to her,” Armie admits. “I don’t want to have sex with her. I don’t even want to kiss her, for fuck’s sake. I love her, but I feel nothing when I look at her. I don’t want to sleep with her, because I am terrified that once we go there, she will find out exactly who I am.”</p><p>Timothée wants nothing more than to comfort his best friend and tell him that it’s going to be okay, but what is the point? This is not something that can be fixed with a few well-meant words. So instead, he turns on his side, before letting his fingers trace over Armie’s arm, making him look up at him.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“Remembering the day I came out to you,” Timothée admits. “I was terrified you wouldn’t accept me. It kills me, knowing that you can’t accept yourself, Armie.”</p><p>“I do.”</p><p>“No, you don’t. Not really. If you did, you wouldn’t be with Alice. You would be out there, right now, with some hot…”</p><p>“Theatre actor?” Armie suggests, and Timothée knows what he is hinting at. He feels a blush creeping up on him, but he tries his best to ignore it.</p><p>“I know why you are living this life, Armie, and I am not judging you for it, but I want more for you. I want you to be able to live your own life. Not this…”</p><p>“Lie?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Timothée nods. “You deserve so much more than this. Alice is great, but… you deserve more.”</p><p>Timothée can see the tears beginning to well up in the other man’s eyes, so he brings their mouths together, hoping it will tell him just how loved he is, just for who he is. Not for the man he is pretending to be.</p><p>“It’s not that bad,” Timothée whispers, when he breaks their kiss, and he sees a tear rolling down Armie’s face. “Sleeping with a woman… I’m sure she won’t notice a thing.”</p><p>“I hope not.”</p><p>“She won’t.” Timothée smiles, as he wipes Armie’s tears away. “Who knows? You might even enjoy it.”</p><p>“Fuck off.”</p><p>“Give it a few years, and you’ll have a bunch of beautiful kids running around… you’ll be happy…”</p><p>“You think so?” Armie asks, and although everything inside of Timothée is screaming that this is wrong, that he can’t let Armie continue on like this, he just nods. “You’ll be there, won’t you? When I get married, when we have kids… you’ll be there for all of it, right?”</p><p>“Of course.” Timothée smiles, before lying down on his back again, returning his gaze to the sky.</p><p>“I’ve been to New York, you know?”</p><p>“Yeah? When?”</p><p>“To see you in your first play,” Armie admits, “and the plays you did after that… until I met Alice.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you come and see me?” Timothée asks, but after everything they have talked about since he has returned home, he can already guess the answer.</p><p>“You know why not. We hadn’t spoken for months… I was scared? But I couldn’t miss it, could I?”</p><p>“What did you think?”</p><p>“It was alright.” Armie shrugs, and when Timothée turns his head to look at him, he sees the mischievous smile on his face. “It was pretty bad, but you were great. I always knew you were going to make it.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Where do your parents think you are?” Timothée asks, when they are still in the backyard, hours later, and the sky is already turning dark. “Do they know you’re here?”</p><p>“What do you think?”</p><p>“So what did you tell them?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Armie shrugs. “I don’t have to tell them everything I do, do I? I am old enough…,” he says, but when he realizes what he is saying, after what they had discussed earlier, he lets out a chuckle. “That’s different!”</p><p>“I didn’t say anything.”</p><p>“You were going to.”</p><p>“Maybe…,” Timothée laughs, and Armie slides his hand underneath his t-shirt and begins to tickle him, just where he knows Timothée is the most sensitive. Timothée can only laugh at it, but when Armie almost leans down to kiss him, before changing his mind, and moving away from him, he sighs.</p><p>“It wouldn’t be fair on Alice.”</p><p>“Do you think it would be better if we stop seeing each other?” Timothée suggests, “I know how much it hurts to love someone, and to not…”</p><p>“Do you?” Armie spits out, an embarrassed look on his face at his own reaction, but Timothée just sighs. “You were never in my shoes.”</p><p>“I know that. But I was in love with you, and I still remember how much it hurt, having to keep my distance from you. Especially with what we were doing. So I know… not how you feel, but…”</p><p>“I hate this,” Armie interrupts him. “I hate that we can’t go back to how we used to be. We were happy, and now I just…,” he begins, but when they hear the front door opening, he doesn’t finish his sentence. “Did they know?”</p><p>“That I was in love with you?”</p><p>“What we were doing?”</p><p>“No, I didn’t tell them,” Timothée says, but Armie nods, a small smile forming on his lips.</p><p>“Pauline knew, didn’t she?” he asks, and although Timothée still feels guilty, he knows he can’t hide the truth any longer.</p><p>“I told her.”</p><p>“I figured. She never knocked before she came in, and then all of the sudden she began to knock… it was too much of a coincidence.”</p><p>“She never told anyone,” Timothée quickly says, but when he sees the look in his best friend’s eyes, he wonders if perhaps it would have been better if Pauline had told someone. If everyone had found out, and it had all come crashing down years ago. If this pressure inside of Armie hadn’t kept building up over the years. Would he then have gotten a chance to build another life somewhere else?</p><p>But before Timothée can even think it through, Nicole comes out into the backyard, the biggest grin on her face when she finds Armie there with her son.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” she laughs, already coming over to him to give him the biggest hug. “Oh, honey, it’s so good to have you home again.”</p><p>Timothée doesn’t fail to notice her choice of words, and he can tell that Armie notices too, because he is blushing when Nicole lets go of him.</p><p>“Are you staying for dinner?” she asks, as though it was only last week when Armie had last been at their home. “We brought pizza. Oh, Tim told us you have a girlfriend, you must tell us all about her!”</p><p>“I will,” Armie laughs, as he lets himself get dragged into the home, leaving Timothée still sitting in the grass, wondering how things would have worked out, if only they had been honest with each other from the start.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, about telling Pauline,” Timothée whispers, when he is saying goodbye to Armie that night. “I know you didn’t want anyone to find out.”</p><p>“It’s fine.” Armie shrugs, glancing back into the house. “I know it wasn’t easy for you either, so I’m glad you had your sister to talk to.”</p><p>“I think my dad might know too, but I’m not sure. He knows I liked you, but…”</p><p>“I think they all know, Timmy,” Armie says, flashing a small, embarrassed smile.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I’m kind of relieved,” Armie admits. “It feels like I can be myself when I am here.”</p><p>“Always,” Timothée says, trying to hide how much Armie’s words are getting to him. “My parents love you, you know that. I meant what I said, Armie, if you ever decide to tell your parents, whatever happens, you will still have us. This is your family too.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“I love you,” Timothée whispers, before wrapping his arms around the other man, and giving him a long hug, not wanting to let go at all, because he knows that when he lets go, Armie will have to go back home to the family who are to blame for all of this.</p><p>“I have to go,” Armie whispers, pressing his lips against Timothée’s neck, before freeing himself from his grip. “I’ll call you, okay?”</p><p>Timothée watches, as Armie walks off, his shoulders already tense, his feet dragging. It makes Timothée feel sick to his stomach, but he knows that there is nothing he can do. So he closes the door, before joining his mother on the couch.</p><p>“That Alice is beautiful, isn’t she?” Nicole asks, and Timothée nods, but with everything that has happened since he has gotten home, he has no energy left to try and fake enthusiasm. “Gosh, what a gorgeous couple they make!”</p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p>“You don’t like her?”</p><p>“I do, she’s really nice.” Timothée nods.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Nicole sighs. “Does this have anything to do with your feelings for Armie?”</p><p>“What feelings?” Timothée asks, but when his mother raises an eyebrow, he flashes a sheepish grin. “So you knew too?”</p><p>“Of course I knew! Are you jealous of Alice?”</p><p>“No. I wish it was that simple,” Timothée admits, wanting nothing more than to discuss it with his mother. “We ehm… we kissed.”</p><p>“I think you did a bit more than that, didn’t you?” Nicole laughs, and Timothée can feel his cheeks starting to burn. “Why didn’t you tell us that you were together? You know how much we love that boy, so…”</p><p>“Because we weren’t,” Timothée quickly says. “It was just something between friends. I was in love with him… I still am, but it’s different for him.”</p><p>“Because of Alice?”</p><p>“Because of his parents,” Timothée sighs. “Please don’t tell him I told you.”</p><p>“I have known since you were… gosh, I can’t even remember how old you were. But you had fallen asleep on the couch, and Armie had his arms wrapped around you. He was caressing your back, and kissing the top of your head, and you should have seen the look on his face, Tim. You were just kids, so it wasn’t… it was so innocent, but it was obvious to me that he was in love with you.”</p><p>“I didn’t know,” Timothée admits. “I thought he was straight, even when we…”</p><p>“Were sleeping together?” Nicole suggests, and Timothée nods.</p><p>“He even asked God to ‘fix’ him. He is terrified of what it’ll do to his parents if they find out,” Timothée says, his voice slowly giving out, the emotions becoming too much for him. “I want him to be happy, mom.”</p><p>“I know, honey, and Armie knows it too. But he is a smart boy, he knows what choices he has. And if he has chosen this path… all you can do for him is be his friend. Because God knows he can use one.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. “I guess this is it.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry that I haven't been replying to comments lately. I'm actually dealing with burnout at the moment, so I'm not really up to it. But I do see all your kind words, and I just want to say a big thank you!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Timothée has just left the house to buy groceries, when he runs into Armie. For a split-second he feels an excitement, because they haven’t been able to meet up much, and it’d be great to spend some time together again. But when he sees Armie’s bloodshot eyes, any excitement leaves him, and without saying a word, he wraps his arms around him.</p>
<p>“I hate them.”</p>
<p>“No, you don’t,” Timothée whispers, even though he wants to say that he hates them too. That they are the most judgmental, horrible, cold people he has ever met. That they have ruined their son’s life, and for what? But he keeps the words in, because he knows that no matter what, Armie loves his parents, and he always will.</p>
<p>“They asked me if I had been hanging out with you,” Armie mumbles into the other man’s shoulder. “Their friend saw me leaving your house the other day.”</p>
<p>“What did they say?”</p>
<p>“They called you…,” Armie begins, but the rest of his words disappear into a choked back sob.</p>
<p>“Come on, let’s go inside,” Timothée whispers, not wanting to do this outside, where anyone can see.</p>
<p>He leads Armie into the house, and when Nicole sees the state Armie is in, she wraps her arms around him.</p>
<p>“Oh, honey…,” she whispers, stroking the back of his neck in a comforting way, just as she always used to do when Timothée was upset. But it’s not helping, and when Armie chokes back another sob, she lets go of him. “I will leave you to talk.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, mom.”</p>
<p>“This isn’t about them talking shit about me, is it?” Timothée asks, but when Armie just stares up at him, more tears falling from his eyes, he already knows enough. “You have got to get out of that place, Armie. I don’t care if you have to move again in just a matter of months. If you stay in that house, it’ll drive you mad.”</p>
<p>“I was fine,” Armie says. “Before you showed up.”</p>
<p>“It’s my fault now?”</p>
<p>“No, that’s not what I’m saying. But I thought that I could do it. I thought I could go through with all of this, but you being here… every time I’m with you, I’m reminded of what we did. I still remember how it felt, man,” Armie admits. “The first time we kissed, the first time we slept together… I was happy, being with you. Being in love with you. And every time I am with you, I feel like I am eighteen again. But I also have this constant weight on my chest, because I know that I will have to go home, back to my real life.”</p>
<p>“This is real life too,” Timothée says. “What we had, or have, that is real, Armie, and if you want to be here and spend time with me… then fuck it. Fuck your parents, and fuck…”</p>
<p>“Fuck my parents?” Armie chuckles uncomfortably. “That is my family, Timmy. They are all I have.”</p>
<p>“That’s not true. You have us.”</p>
<p>“I thought I could be who they wanted me to be,” Armie whispers, only now fully realizing that Nicole must have heard every word they have said. “But I can’t keep doing this.”</p>
<p>“What are you going to do?” Timothée asks, but when he sees the look on Armie’s face, he realizes, and he can’t help but laugh. “You want to tell them? Really? Just a few weeks ago…”</p>
<p>“I want to be with you, Timmy,” Armie blurts out. “I don’t mean… If you don’t want this, it’s fine. But then at least I will be able to live my life, being myself. At least I will have a chance at one day meeting someone like you again.”</p>
<p>“You know what I want,” Timothée sighs, before placing a hand on the side of the other man’s neck. “But all the things you said… you know what is going to happen when you tell them, don’t you?”</p>
<p>“I know.” Armie nods. “But I can’t keep doing this, it’s not fair on them. Or on Alice.”</p>
<p>“It’s not fair on you.”</p>
<p>“Or on you,” Armie whispers, bringing the smallest of smiles to Timothée’s face. “I should have been honest with them from the start. I have wasted so much time, pretending, and for what? I still see the disappointment in their eyes when they look at me.”</p>
<p>“When I saw your mom…”</p>
<p>“She can hide it well, but she is not the same when it’s just us,” Armie admits, leaning into Timothée’s hand, which is still on his neck. “I think she knows, Timmy. The look on her face when I told her I had met Alice, it was one of pure relief.”</p>
<p>“Are you sure you want to tell them?” Timothée asks. “I want to say that it’s all going to be okay and everything, but I am scared for you. I saw how they reacted when they found out I was gay, and I’m not even their son.”</p>
<p>“It <em>will </em>kill me if I have to keep doing this for the rest of my life. Maybe if I hadn’t known how it feels to be happy, then I could have gone through with this, but I keep thinking about that night at the hotel,” Armie admits. “For once, I didn’t think about what other people would think. Knowing how that feels, to just be happy and not care…”</p>
<p>“You have to tell them.”</p>
<p>“Exactly.”</p>
<p>“Can’t you just move away, start a new life, without all of this?” Timothée suggests, but when Armie flashes a small, but determined smile, he already knows the answer. “When are you going to tell them?”</p>
<p>“Soon. I need to build up the courage though, find a place to live… I doubt they’ll let me stay once they know.”</p>
<p>“You can stay here,” Nicole says, when she enters the room again. “I am sorry for listening in, honey, but I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of you. And if your parents can’t see what a wonderful boy you are, then that is their loss.”</p>
<p>“Mom…”</p>
<p>“This is your home, Armie,” Nicole says, ignoring her son, and when tears begin to form in the young man’s eyes again, she flashes a smile, before wrapping her arms around him. “We love you, honey.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s so weird, being back here,” Armie whispers, when he and Timothée are in bed that night. Armie had almost broken down again when he was about to head home after dinner, so after a long discussion, he had decided to stay at the Chalamet’s. He knew fully well that it would go against his parents’ rules, but seeing as they were upset with him already, he figured they might as well stay upset for just a little longer.</p>
<p>“It makes you feel like a kid again, right?” Timothée laughs, looking around his old bedroom, which is now the guest room. His old bed is still there though, and so is the couch where he and Armie had spent most of their afternoons playing video games.</p>
<p>“I feel nervous,” Armie admits. “Like we’re about to watch bad porn again.”</p>
<p>“It wasn’t all bad.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it was,” Armie laughs. “Do you still remember the one where more and more guys kept coming in?”</p>
<p>“It gave us some pretty good ideas though.” Timothée grins, before turning onto his side, so he can face the other man. “Can I kiss you?”</p>
<p>Armie nods, looking nervous, as though this is about to be their very first kiss. And in a way, it feels like it is. Because before, it had felt like something between friends, even when they were both trying to ignore their feelings, or it had felt like something that was meant to be kept a secret, but this time it feels like the beginning of something else.</p>
<p>Armie wraps his arm around Timothée’s waist, and he pulls him closer, but the second their bodies touch, they break away from each other, both chuckling nervously.</p>
<p>“Should we even be doing this?” Timothée asks. “You are still with Alice, and my parents…”</p>
<p>“Do you want to wait?”</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée laughs, but then he sighs. “But I also don’t want to be the person you cheated with.”</p>
<p>“I am going to tell her, Timmy. Just give me time.”</p>
<p>“And until then…?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to wait, because we have already wasted all these years, but if you don’t want to do this, then fair enough. We could just go to sleep,” Armie says, but Timothée can see the mischievous, almost daring look in his eyes. “Or we could just…”</p>
<p>“I am not having sex with you, not until you have told Alice.”</p>
<p>“So no more touching?”</p>
<p>“Maybe a little touching…,” Timothée laughs, before kissing Armie again, his hand gripping tightly onto his arm, it now fully hitting him just how much he must have worked out these last years.</p>
<p>“Is this okay?” Armie whispers, when he slides his hand down to the edge of the other man’s underwear. “Or too much?”</p>
<p>“That’s okay,” Timothée laughs, bringing their mouths together again, as Armie slides his hand into his underwear. Just feeling his hand caressing his skin, softly, almost nervously, it is giving him chills all over.</p>
<p>“Fuck, I have missed you,” Armie whispers, that look of mischief still on his face. “I have missed this.”</p>
<p>“Getting to hook up with a guy?”</p>
<p>“Fuck off,” Armie laughs. “You know what I mean. I never even considered doing this with anyone else.”</p>
<p>“You know I have been with other guys, right?” Timothée asks, “Not just the guy I was with before I came here, but…”</p>
<p>“The New York guys couldn’t resist you?”</p>
<p>“Things got out of hand when I first got there,” Timothée admits, Armie sliding his hand up to his waist, a curious, but nervous look on his face. “I started drinking, there were drugs… and a lot of guys.”</p>
<p>“Because of what I did?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t do anything, Armie. I was messed up, and I tried to find a way to cope with having to leave my whole life behind. It was all too much, and I just wasn’t ready. But all of that stuff, it only made things worse. And those guys… they meant nothing.”</p>
<p>“None of them?” Armie asks, a knowing look on his face.</p>
<p>“Two of them did. But not like this. I liked them, and being with them was nice, for a little while. But I knew that something was missing. They weren’t you, Armie.”</p>
<p>“We really fucked up, didn’t we?” Armie whispers, before letting his head fall back into the pillow. “If I hadn’t brought up wanting to kiss you…”</p>
<p>“You would have married Alice, I would have ended up with some guy I don’t care for, and thirty years from now, we would have finally had the courage to tell each other the truth. Would that have been better?”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t have told you,” Armie admits. “If you hadn’t been listening to that song, and it hadn’t come out like that, I would have never been able to bring it up.”</p>
<p>“Then maybe it was meant to happen, don’t you think?” Timothée asks, and even in the dark he can see the blush on the other man’s face. “Maybe we were meant to…”</p>
<p>“Jerk off to shitty gay porn?”</p>
<p>“Exactly,” Timothée laughs, glad to see his best friend with a smile on his face again. “It’s going to be okay, you know? Things are going to work out for us.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Armie whispers. “I just wish things had worked out differently.”</p>
<p>“We’re here now, aren’t we? It doesn’t matter how we got here.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m thinking about telling my parents today,” Armie announces, when a few weeks later he and Timothée are curled up in bed together, after Armie has spent the night at the Chalamet’s again.</p>
<p>“Wow, are you sure?”</p>
<p>“I was waiting until I was feeling a bit braver, but I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. So I just want to get it over with,” Armie explains. “I want to ask you for a favor though.”</p>
<p>“Anything.”</p>
<p>“Will you go with me?” Armie asks, and everything in Timothée is telling him that it’s a bad idea, that him being there will make it a thousand times worse, for everyone. But when he sees the pleading look in the other man’s eyes, he nods, trying his best to fake a smile. “Timmy…”</p>
<p>“No, I want to be there.”</p>
<p>“Don’t lie to me, man,” Armie sighs. “You’ll be here after I’ve told them, right?”</p>
<p>“No,” Timothée says, and for a split-second, Armie looks like he has just been punched in the gut, until Timothée adds; “Because I am going to be there when you tell them. We are in this together, right?”</p>
<p>“Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“I love you, Armie, and if facing your parents is the worst thing we’ll have to face…”</p>
<p>“I love you,” Armie whispers, before pressing his lips against Timothée’s. “After today, everything is going to be different.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“What are you doing?” Timothée laughs, when Armie grabs his hand, just as they turn the corner, and they are heading into the street where Armie lives. “Your parents…”</p>
<p>“It’s not like they are not about to find out anyway,” Armie laughs, and Timothée can’t believe he is laughing right now. He figured he’d be breaking down, or he would be a nervous wreck. But all morning he has been relaxed and making jokes. Perhaps it’s the thought that after today he will finally get to live his own life that is making him feel happier, or it’s a way to deal with his nerves. Either way, he has a big smile on his face as he tightens the grip on the other man’s hand.</p>
<p>“I have been thinking about this moment ever since I first realized I was in love with you,” he admits. “I don’t think there is anything they can say that I haven’t already thought of.”</p>
<p>“What do you think is going to happen?” Timothée asks, but Armie just shrugs. “Do you think they will accept it? Or is this it?”</p>
<p>“I don’t think it’s going to be a case of ‘we just need time’,” Armie says, “But who knows what they will say? They might even suggest conversion therapy. I wouldn’t put it past them.”</p>
<p>“That’s horrible. You know there is nothing wrong with you, don’t you? Whatever they say to you…”</p>
<p>“I know.” Armie nods, taking a deep breath, as they make their way up to the house. “I guess this is it.”</p>
<p>“Are you ready?”</p>
<p>“Let’s do this.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. “You make me happy.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Timothée can feel Armie’s hand getting clammy as they make their way into the house, and he still half-expects him to change his mind about telling his parents. But when he looks up at him, he finds a nervous, but determined look on his face.</p>
<p>“Here we go,” Armie whispers, and he gives Timothée’s hand a tight squeeze, before letting go, and leading him into the living room. But when they go in, they find Dru kneeling on the floor, leaning down over Michael, who is sprawled out on the floor.</p>
<p>“What happened?” Armie asks, not hesitating to run over to his father to check on him. His mother seems to be in a state of shock though, and she just keeps staring down at her husband, her hand wrapped tightly around his.</p>
<p>“Mom!”</p>
<p>“I’ll call for an ambulance,” Timothée says, and he quickly gets his phone out. No matter how much he hates Armie’s parents for what they have done to him, he doesn’t want Michael to die, because he knows how much it would hurt Armie. So he phones for an ambulance, catching himself sending a silent prayer up to whoever is listening.</p>
<p>“He’s going to be okay,” Armie says, trying to reassure his mother, but even his voice is shaking, and Timothée can tell that more than anything, he is trying to reassure himself.</p>
<p>All Timothée wants to do is go over to him and hold him, but right now he is just the friend, the guy he isn’t even meant to be spending any time with anymore. So he stays where he is, not wanting to make this any worse for both Armie and Dru.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ll drive you,” Timothée says, when he steps up to Armie, who is standing in the middle of the road, a blank stare on his face as he watches the ambulance drive off. “Come on.”</p>
<p>“What if he dies?”</p>
<p>“Your dad isn’t going to die, Armie. He’s going to be fine,” Timothée tries, but all the color is beginning to drain from Armie’s face, so he places a hand on the side of his face, and he forces him to look at him. “Listen, your dad is not going to die today, okay? But your mom needs you right now.”</p>
<p>“Yeah…”</p>
<p>Timothée drags Armie back home, back to his car, hoping and praying that by the time they get to the hospital, there will be good news waiting for them. But all the way there, Armie is staring out of the window in a state of shock, every other minute mumbling something that Timothée can’t quite make out. He doesn’t dare to ask though, terrified that Armie is blaming himself for what has happened to his father.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“How is he?” Alice asks, when she comes running into the waiting room, looking more than just a little worried. As soon as Armie had gone to see his father, Timothée had taken his phone out of his jacket, which he had left behind, and he had texted Alice, knowing that she was supposed to be here. Not him.</p>
<p>“They think it was a heart attack, but they’re still running tests,” Timothée explains. “They think he’s going to be okay though.”</p>
<p>“Oh, poor Armie. Poor Dru! I can’t even begin to imagine how worried she must have been. Do you think I can go see them?”</p>
<p>“I don’t think so, but I’m sure Armie won’t be long,” Timothée says, already getting up to leave. So far it hadn’t been an issue, him being here, but he knows that if he stays any longer, Dru might notice it and say something about it, and the last thing he wants to do is cause any more stress for anyone today.</p>
<p>“Wait, you don’t have to go. Stay, please.”</p>
<p>“I really shouldn’t.”</p>
<p>“I know Armie would want you here,” Alice says, and she flashes a reassuring smile. “It means so much to him, having you back in his life… you’re like family to him.”</p>
<p>“Yeah…”</p>
<p>Alice is about to open her mouth to say something else, but before she can, Armie steps into the waiting room, looking years older than this morning, when he had been happy, excited, full of life. Now he looks drained and worn out, and when Alice wraps her arms around him, he doesn’t even bother to hug her back.</p>
<p>“How is your dad?”</p>
<p>“I’m not sure.” Armie shrugs, looking at Timothée, who is avoiding his eyes, trying his best to hide how much it is killing him, knowing how close Armie had gotten to telling his parents. How close he had gotten to finally be free.</p>
<p>“How are you? It must have been awful, seeing him like that.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“I should go,” Timothée repeats, and a part of him wants to grab Armie and take him with him. Away from Alice, away from his parents. But instead, he just picks up his things, and he gives a small, awkward wave, before turning to leave.</p>
<p>“Timmy?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I’ll call you, okay?” Armie says, looking so broken, that all Timothée can do is nod, scared that if he were to speak right now, he would simply burst into tears.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“How did it go? What did his parents say?” Nicole asks, as soon as Timothée is through the door. “Wait, where is Armie?”</p>
<p>“What happened?” Marc asks, looking calmer, but also more worried, knowing that the look on his son’s face means nothing good. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“He didn’t tell them. When we got there, his dad had just had a heart attack, so…”</p>
<p>“Is he okay?” Nicole interrupts him, but today’s emotion, the nerves from this morning, to the adrenaline later on, it is all starting to come out, and when he sits down on the couch, and he buries his face in his hands, the tears begin to well up in his eyes.</p>
<p>“Is Armie with him?”</p>
<p>“They’re at the hospital. Alice is there too.”</p>
<p>“Oh, Tim…”</p>
<p>“I asked her to come,” Timothée quickly says, looking up again, not even trying to hide his tears. “He’s not going to tell them now, is he?”</p>
<p>“Do you honestly think he can go through with this?” Nicole asks, a heartbroken look on her face. “Living his whole life, hiding who he is?”</p>
<p>“He can, because he knows how much it will hurt his parents if he comes out.”</p>
<p>“I understand that they have their beliefs,” Marc says, “but don’t you think it will be different when it comes to their own son?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t see them, dad, when they realized I’m gay. I can’t even begin to think how they’ll react to him coming out. He was ready, he really was, but after almost losing his dad today…”</p>
<p>“So what happens now?” Nicole asks, sharing a worried look with her husband. “What happens between you and him?”</p>
<p>“There is no more me and him. He’s with Alice, and he is going to marry her,” Timothée says, trying to sound determined. But his voice is shaking, and he can’t stop the tears from falling from his eyes. Because they had been so close, and for just a moment, he had truly started to believe that things were going to work out for them. Losing Armie all over again, it makes him feel like someone has just ripped his insides out, and he is left feeling hollow. Last time he had tried to fill that empty space with drinking, drugs, and meaningless sex, but it hadn’t worked then, and he knows it wouldn’t work now.</p>
<p>So he gets up, and without saying another word, he goes up to his room, already thinking of how he is going to tell his parents that he is leaving again. That he can’t stay here any longer, not after what has happened. And although he wasn’t planning on going back to New York, right now he doesn’t even care that there is nothing there for him anymore. At least out there he won’t have to see Armie anymore. Perhaps out there he can begin to try and get over him again. For good this time.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you sure about this?” Marc asks, when Timothée carries down his suitcase. “This is still your home, Tim. Don’t let Armie…”</p>
<p>“I’m not letting him do anything, dad. I just don’t want to have to put up with it anymore. You know, I was over him. I really was. But being back here, it makes me feel like I’m a kid again, and I hate feeling like this. I hate being in love with someone who can never love me back,” Timothée admits, too tired to put on a happy face. “It hurts. Because I know what we could have, and because of some fucked up beliefs, he is forced to be someone he’s not, and…” He stops, having run out of breath, but then he shakes his head, every fiber of his being feeling like it’s on fire today. “It is killing me, dad. Seeing him like that.”</p>
<p>“Come here,” Marc whispers, before wrapping his arms around his son, wanting nothing more than to help both him and Armie. But what can he do, other than being there for both of them?</p>
<p>“I love him so much, but I can’t do it anymore.”</p>
<p>“I know. But maybe in a few months, when his father…”</p>
<p>“By then he will be engaged or married.”</p>
<p>“Give him time.”</p>
<p>Timothée is about to object, knowing that time isn’t going to fix any of this, but the doorbell rings, and his father lets go of him. He goes to open the door, expecting to find his mother there, but Armie is standing there, looking just as broken as he had done yesterday.</p>
<p>“How is your dad?”</p>
<p>“Still the same. Can we talk?”</p>
<p>“I was just about to…”</p>
<p>“Let him in,” Marc says, when he appears in the hallway, and Armie flashes a grateful smile when he walks past him to go into the living room, where he and Timothée sit down.</p>
<p>“Are you leaving?” he asks, when he sees the suitcase, but Timothée just shrugs. “Timmy…”</p>
<p>“I know I said I would be here for whatever happened next, but I can’t do it anymore,” Timothée blurts out. “Seeing each other again, it isn’t good for either for us.”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>“I know you can’t tell them, not now.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Armie begins, but Timothée nods, and he flashes a small, uncomfortable smile.</p>
<p>“Alice is a good girl, Armie. I really think she can make you happy.”</p>
<p>“Please don’t do this.”</p>
<p>“Then what do you want me to do? Do you have any idea how much it hurts, seeing how…,” Timothée begins, but he swallows back the rest of his words, and he sighs. “You deserve more, Armie, but I know why you have chosen this life.”</p>
<p>“I wanted to tell them.”</p>
<p>“But you won’t. You are going to marry Alice,” Timothée says, and the other man nods, looking small, fragile. He looks like a little boy, hurt, and lost, but Timothée knows that he can’t comfort him. Not anymore. “I want you to be happy, I really do.”</p>
<p>“You make me happy.”</p>
<p>“I can’t. That’s why I have to go. You know it.”</p>
<p>“But…,” Armie begins, but then he begins to sob, quietly, and he looks over to the pictures on the fireplace. “I can’t lose you again.”</p>
<p>“We can’t go on like this. It isn’t fair on anyone. We should have left things for what they were, and I shouldn’t have told you about my feelings for you. I don’t even know why I told you. Maybe I wanted you to say you loved me too, but…”</p>
<p>“We’ll run away together,” Armie blurts out, but Timothée knows that it doesn’t mean anything, so it only makes him smile. “We’ll start over somewhere else.”</p>
<p>“No, we won’t. I’ll go back to New York, and I’ll meet that guy my sister promised I would meet one day, and you are going to get married and start a family. And in a few years from now…”</p>
<p>“What? You think I’ll forget?” Armie scoffs through his tears. “You think I’ll stop loving you? I told you, I have done everything I can to make this go away, but it hasn’t worked for I don’t even know how many years, so it’s not going to work now.”</p>
<p>“Then what do you want, Armie?” Timothée spits out. “Huh? You want me to hang around as your ‘best friend’, you want me to watch you while you are lying to everyone around you?”</p>
<p>Timothée can see Armie crumbling down with every word, but he is so tired, so hurt, that he is just lashing out, even if he knows it isn’t fair.</p>
<p>“What do you think that does to me, huh?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Armie whispers. “I shouldn’t have asked you to stay. It’s not fair. You deserve to be happy too.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I do. We both do.”</p>
<p>“So this is it then?”</p>
<p>“It has to be,” Timothée says, trying his best to stay strong, but he can’t, because knowing that he will never see Armie again after today, it makes him feel such hurting, so much pain, that his legs almost give out. Armie seems to know, because he comes up to him, and he wraps his arms around him, holding him so tight that it almost hurts.</p>
<p>“I love you. Please don’t forget that,” Armie whispers, “and I wish…”</p>
<p>“I know. Me too.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. “Why are you telling me this?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning : There is parental homophobia and mention of suicidal thoughts in this chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Armie has been trying his best to cope with losing his best friend again, but he feels like he is walking around in a daze. He can’t stop thinking about how close he had come to coming out to his parents, how close he had come to having the life with Timothée he had always wanted. He would give anything to go back to that day and get another chance, but what could he have done differently? What could he have done to stop Timothée from leaving?</p><p>He knows he could have done a dozen things differently, he could have come out to his parents years ago. He could have been honest with them right from the beginning. But he had simply been too scared, he still is. It is why he has been keeping quiet for the last month, why he has tried so hard to live the life his parents want for him. Because he knows that if he were to tell them, it would change everything.</p><p>But everything has already changed. He had been happy before Timothée had come back, he had even felt hopeful about building a future with Alice, even if it meant he would have to hide who he truly is. But there is no more hope left. Since he had come so close to being able to be himself, and since losing Timothée again, he just feels empty, and Alice is starting to notice the difference in him.</p><p>“You miss him, don’t you?”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“You know who.” Alice smiles, as she joins him on the couch. “Have you spoken to him since he went back to New York?”</p><p>“Not really.”</p><p>“You can’t lose touch again, Armie. He’s your best friend.”</p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p>“Did something happen?” Alice asks. “You didn’t get into a fight, did you?”</p><p>Armie shakes his head, too tired to make up some lie about why they have stopped talking.</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“I can’t do this,” Armie sighs, and he is about to get up and leave, go for a walk and clear his mind. But Alice grabs his hand, a worried look on her face.</p><p>“Do what? What is going on, Armie?”</p><p>“This. Us. What we’re doing here.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“This!” Armie tries, but then he shakes his head, looking so hopeless, that it brings tears to Alice’s eyes.</p><p>“Please tell me what’s wrong. We can work this out, okay? We’ll go to New York, see Timothée…”</p><p>“I’m gay,” Armie says, too tired to sugarcoat it, and the longest tensest silence follows. “Did you hear what I said?”</p><p>“Yes, Armie. I heard.”</p><p>“I’m gay, and me and Timmy…”</p><p>“I don’t want to hear this,” Alice cuts him off. “Why are you telling me this?”</p><p>“Because I can’t do this, Alice. I’ve tried, really I have, but I’m just…”</p><p>“Does your family know?”</p><p>“I haven’t told them, but I think so. Maybe,” Armie admits. “I am so sorry.”</p><p>“You lied to me, Armie, for years! Then you went and had an affair? With a guy?”</p><p>“No, it wasn’t like that. Me and Timmy…”</p><p>“Stop saying his name. Please.”</p><p>“Okay. We were together when we were younger, not… I never meant to go behind your back. You have to believe that.”</p><p>“But you did?” Alice asks, and Armie nods, no longer wanting to lie to her. To anyone, for that matter. “I was so stupid… I saw how happy you were when he came back, and I just… you were in love with him.”</p><p>“Yeah, I am. I have tried to change, to be this… to be who I’ve been pretending to be all these years, but I am gay,” Armie says, tears welling up in his eyes, both feeling relieved to finally be able to say the words, but hating himself for doing this to Alice. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Were you ever going to tell me, if he hadn’t come back?”</p><p>“No. I wanted this, you… I did.”</p><p>“Until he came back into your life.”</p><p>“I am so sorry, Alice,” Armie says again, but she pulls away when he tries to take her hand, and he can see how upset she is. “I never meant to hurt you.”</p><p>“You knew you were gay, Armie. You used me to hide this…” Her tone is so full of disgust, that Armie can feel a wave of nausea washing over him. He knew she would be upset, but he didn’t think he would see this reaction in her. Just the sheer shock at seeing the look on her face, it hurts as much as the disapproval of his parents, and he struggles to keep his tears in. But he knows that he has no right to feel sorry for himself, because he did this. No one else. “You used me, and you were willing to ruin the rest of my life. For what?”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>“So you keep saying.”</p><p>“I don’t want this, okay? You think I chose to be like this?” Armie says, no longer trying to fight his tears. “My parents hate me. All my life I have heard that this… who I am… that it’s wrong, it’s disgusting. Do you have any idea how that feels?”</p><p>“It <em>is</em> wrong, Armie.”</p><p>Without saying another word, Alice gets up and she storms out of the house, leaving Armie feeling even worse than he did before. He doesn’t even feel relieved about telling her anymore. He feels like he has just ruined his life, and something tells him that it’s only going to get worse from here on out.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>After Alice had left, Armie had gone for a walk, hoping that he could get himself to calm down, but there is a panic inside of him, which has been building up for years, and he feels like he is about to burst.</p><p>All he wants to do is go up to his room and try and get some sleep when he gets back, but as soon as he is through the door, he hears Alice’s voice, and it only takes a moment before he realizes that she is talking to his parents.</p><p>He goes into the living room, and he finds her sitting there, tears streaming down her face, his parents both with stoic looks on their faces.</p><p>“You told them?”</p><p>“I had to, Armie,” Alice says, and she gets up. “You lied to me.”</p><p>“Please go,” Armie says, feeling the anger inside of him build up. He knows that what he did was wrong, but still, Alice had no right outing him to his parents. He doesn’t want to fight with her though, he doesn’t have the energy for it, both mentally and physically.</p><p>Alice looks like she is about to object, but when Dru nods, she picks up her things and leaves.</p><p>“I’m sorry…”</p><p>“Sit down,” Dru orders, and Armie does as he is told, having dreaded this conversation for years. He did not think it would ever come to this though, especially not after what had happened last month. “Is it true? Are you gay?”</p><p>“I am.” Armie nods. “But you already knew that, didn’t you?”</p><p>“I was hoping whatever was going on between you and Timothée was nothing more than silly…”</p><p>“You thought it would go away?” Armie asks, the look on his mother’s face so full of disgust and disappointment, that he feels like he has nothing left to lose. He feels like he should apologize, but it’s too late for that and he knows it. “I am gay, mother. I have always been gay, and as much as I have tried to make it go away, because I knew you would never accept it, I am still gay.”</p><p>“There are people who can help you, Armie,” Michael says. “You are not the only man who has these kinds of feelings.”</p><p>“I know.” Armie nods. “But what you’re suggesting… getting help… to change…”</p><p>“It’s not too late,” Dru says. “This <em>can </em>be fixed.”</p><p>“Fixed?” Armie scoffs. “There is nothing wrong with me. It took me years to realize it, but there is nothing wrong with the way I am.”</p><p>“You cannot choose this kind of life, Armie,” Dru says. “It’s wrong.”</p><p>“It’s not. You want me to marry Alice, lie to everyone I know, including her, and pretend I’m happy?”</p><p>“She is great.”</p><p>“Yeah, she is. But I don’t love her, not like that. It’s a lie, and you know it.”</p><p>“You can make it work,” Michael tries to reassure him, but Armie just sighs. “You can get past this.”</p><p>“We will find help for you,” Dru says. “Alice is willing to give it another chance if you…”</p><p>“Pretend to be straight? This won’t go away. I am gay, that can’t be ‘fixed’, or…”</p><p>“Then what do you want, Armie?” Dru spits out, her stoic façade beginning to crumble. “You can’t possibly consider a life of…”</p><p>“Sin?” Armie suggests, and he can’t help but laugh. “That’s what you were going to say, isn’t it? You think I will go to hell for this.”</p><p>“You think this is funny? You are throwing away your life, for this… this…”</p><p>“I am not throwing away anything, mother. I was never in love with Alice.”</p><p>“If you choose this life,” Dru says, “You will never be happy. You understand that, don’t you? You will die lonely and miserable. It is a dark and twisted life, Armie.”</p><p>“Dark and twisted? I wanted to die, having to pretend to be something I’m not,” Armie admits, his parents not even flinching at the harsh words. It breaks something inside of him, and he can no longer hold back. “You know what is dark and twisted? Telling your own child that there is something wrong with them, that they are going to hell, lonely and miserable. That is really fucking dark, mother!”</p><p>“That is not…”</p><p>“The only times I have been happy, was when I was with Timmy. I would be dead if it wasn’t for him and his family. So don’t you fucking dare tell me that this is… just don’t,” Armie spits out, his parents finally realizing that this isn’t going to go away.</p><p>“I think perhaps it’s best if you leave,” Michael says, and Armie nods, not even surprised. He knew that this would happen, so he gets up and he goes up to his room, where he throws as much as he can into a couple of bags, before going back downstairs again.</p><p>“I’ll come back for the rest of my things later.”</p><p>“It’s not too late to change your mind, Armie,” Dru says. “I know people who used to be like you, and now they are happy.”</p><p>“I <em>am</em> happy,” Armie says. “Or I will be.”</p><p>“Armie…”</p><p>“No, dad. It almost killed me, trying to please you, but I am done trying. I can’t do it anymore.”</p><p>“We can’t let you back into our lives,” Dru says, and for a moment Armie thinks he sees a hint of some kind of regret in her eyes, but it’s too late now, so he just nods. “Good luck then.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Armie simply says, and he leaves the house without another word. He almost wishes his parents would come after him, tell them they can learn to accept it, or somehow find a way to live with it, but the door is slammed shut behind him, and that’s when it truly hits him that this is it. There is no going back anymore.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Honey, what are you doing here?” Nicole asks, when she opens the door, and she finds Armie standing there with his bags.</p><p>“I didn’t know where else to go.”</p><p>“Come on in,” Nicole says, flashing a reassuring smile, before leading him into the kitchen, wanting to make him a hot drink to comfort him. But as soon as he drops his bags, he breaks down, the tears streaming down his face. “Oh, honey…”</p><p>She wraps her arms around him, holding him for the longest time, until he frees himself from her grip, an embarrassed look on his face.</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“They know,” Armie says, his voice breaking, leaving him unable to say anything else. But Nicole knows enough, so she wraps her arms around him again, wanting nothing more than to comfort him and tell him it’s going to be okay. But she knows what the conversation must have been like, and she can’t even begin to imagine how much the young man in her arms must be hurting.</p><p>“I am so sorry, Armie,” she whispers, “You are home now, okay?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. “Stop. Please.”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning : This chapter has parental homophobia, homophobic language and mention of suicide with a weapon in it.</p><p>Thanks again for all the wonderful comments!! ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Timothée had been struggling to settle back into his old life in New York, but he had gotten back into old habits, meeting up with friends, going out with them, and things had almost started to feel okay again. Like maybe, just maybe, he could put all of this with Armie behind him again. But when his mother had called him up last night, telling him to come home, it had taken him all of five minutes to book a ticket on the first bus and to pack up his things again.</p><p>He had asked his mother why he had to come back, but she had only told him that his family needed him. He knows that she would have told him if something had happened to his father or his sister, she wouldn’t keep it from him if they were in hospital or something was seriously wrong.</p><p>So he hadn’t been too worried as he had gotten on the first bus this morning, but as he steps up to the house, he can’t help but wonder what he is about to walk into. What if he should have been worried?</p><p>He opens the door, holding his breath, his heart almost beating out of his chest, but when Nicole comes into the hallway, a big smile on her face, he breathes a sigh of relief.</p><p>“I’ve missed you so much,” she says as she wraps her arms around him, having seen him just last month, but holding him like it’s been years. “I’m so glad you’re here, Tim.”</p><p>“What happened? Is dad okay?”</p><p>“Yes, everyone is fine,” Nicole says, giving him a tight squeeze before finally letting go of him. “But ehm… last night someone showed up here…”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Go see for yourself,” Nicole says, and Timothée steps into the living room, only to find Armie curled up in a chair, looking like he hasn’t slept in days.</p><p>“I told her not to call you.”</p><p>“What happened to you?” Timothée whispers, as he wiggles himself into the chair with Armie so he can give him a hug. “Why didn’t you call me?”</p><p>“I couldn’t.”</p><p>“I am so sorry I left,” Timothée whispers, before burying his face into the other man’s neck. “I should have been here.”</p><p>“They know, Timmy.”</p><p>“Did you tell them?” Timothée asks, but when he looks up, and he sees Armie trying to fight his tears, he knows that this is not the time to talk about it. So he lays his head down on his best friend’s shoulder, and he closes his eyes, knowing that all he can do is be here for him right now.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Timothée asks, when they are out in the backyard later that day. Neither of them had brought up the elephant in the room, but they both know that they will have to discuss it sooner or later.</p><p>“I told Alice,” Armie sighs, his eyes still focused on the cloudy sky. “I was just so tired… so I told her.”</p><p>“Did she tell your parents?”</p><p>“She did, and they told me it was not too late for me to change.”</p><p>“I am so sorry.”</p><p>“They hate me, Timmy,” Armie whispers, even though Nicole is up in the house, and she can’t hear them. “You should have seen the way they looked at me.”</p><p>Timothée knew that once it would come out, Armie’s parents would probably want nothing more to do with him, and he knows Armie knew it too. But he can tell that it has cut Armie down much deeper than he had expected, that it has even broken something inside of him.</p><p>“There is nothing wrong with you, you still believe that, don’t you?”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“They are wrong, Armie, and I am so sorry. I wish I knew how to fix this, but I don’t,” Timothée whispers, tears welling up in his eyes as he sees a tear rolling down Armie’s cheek. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there with you.”</p><p>“All these fucking years, man… for what?” Armie asks, another tear rolling down his cheek. “I could have gone with you to New York. We could have built a life out there.”</p><p>Timothée knows that Armie is upset, so he ignores his words, and instead wipes a tear from his face, before pressing a kiss to his forehead.</p><p>“I wanted to die,” Armie whispers, so softly that for a moment Timothée thinks he has imagined it, until his best friend turns to face him. “After you had gone… I took my dad’s gun, and I…”</p><p>“Stop. Please.”</p><p>“My mother walked in, got the gun…,” Armie says, the smallest most bitter smile on his face. “It was never mentioned again.”</p><p>“You should have told me, you stupid fucking…” Timothée spits out, but when he sits up, he begins to sob, the realization of how close he had been to losing Armie, when he was out there, drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around, it makes him feel sick to his stomach.</p><p>“I don’t want to be that person anymore, Timmy,” Armie says, trying to put his hand on his best friend’s back. But Timothée pulls away, the last weeks, months, having been too much.</p><p>It was only ever meant to be a kiss, and when it turned into more, it was supposed to be fun and exciting. But that one moment, that one kiss, it changed everything, and all Timothée wants to do is go back in time, start over. Because he feels like all of this is his fault. He shouldn’t have let it go as far as it did, he should have laughed Armie’s curiosity about kissing a guy off, and they should have simply stayed friends.</p><p>But deep down he knows that it doesn’t matter, because all of this, it started long before that afternoon in the backyard. Whatever there is between them, it had always been there, even when they were kids, and the only way any of this could have been prevented, would be if they had never been friends. And as much as it is killing Timothée to see Armie like this, at least he <em>can </em>see him like this. At least he gets to be here to support him.</p><p>What would have happened to him if they had never become friends? Who would have been his lifeline then?</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The two men are lying in bed that night, this afternoon’s conversation still fresh on their minds, but Armie is too scared to bring it up again, Timothée still hurting too much. So they are simply lying there, staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep.</p><p>“I’m sorry I came here,” Armie finally whispers. “I didn’t know where else to go, but as soon as I’ve picked up the rest of my things, I’ll be out of here.”</p><p>“This is your home, Armie,” Timothée whispers, before turning to face him. “You can stay as long as you need. But what are you going to do?”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“If you stay in town, what happens if you run into your parents?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Armie admits. “They told me they don’t want me in their life anymore, so I guess we pretend we don’t know each other?”</p><p>“How? They are your parents, Armie. Can you really do that? Because I know it would tear me apart, having my parents pretend I am no one to them.”</p><p>“I don’t know, okay? I didn’t exactly plan any of this.”</p><p>“I’m worried,” Timothée whispers. “I am scared,” he admits, not wanting to bring this afternoon’s conversation up, but the pain is so raw that he needs Armie to know what it is doing to him. “I am so scared that they are going to take you away from me.”</p><p>“No, Timmy, I’m not going back there. I’m not going to do what they want me…,” Armie begins, but then it hits him what Timothée is saying.</p><p>He covers his mouth with his hand, that moment still so fresh on his mind. He can still feel the gun in his hand, the calmth he had felt as he was about to pull the trigger. The pain of it being buried, like so many things were buried at the Hammer household. He had never spoken about it, but now that it’s out there, it feels like a wound has been ripped open.</p><p>“Was it my fault? Because I left you here?”</p><p>“No! I hated myself,” Armie whispers, “I didn’t know what to do, okay? I tried so fucking hard to be what everyone wanted me to be, and I just… I was so fucking tired, Timmy. Being stuck there in that house, knowing what it felt like to be happy, and then to…,” he tries, choking back a sob. “I couldn’t do it anymore.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have come back, or you could have moved in with my parents, or we…”</p><p>“Because you got to live your dream,” Armie whispers, a heartbroken smile on his face. “You got to go to New York… you got out. I couldn’t take that away from you.”</p><p>“You think any of that matters to me? I fucking love you, Armie. I should have been here,” Timothée spits out. “I was fucking around, while you… I could have lost you.”</p><p>The anger, the fear, but more than anything, the pain, make Timothée want to cry out and yell at him. But it also makes him want to hold him and never let go. But he can’t get himself to do anything, and when Armie carefully traces his fingers over the side of his face, before placing a soft careful kiss on his lips, he breaks.</p><p>“I am so sorry, Timmy.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The two young men had fallen asleep in each other’s arms, clinging on for dear life, scared that if they were to let go, they would wake up with the other side of the bed empty.</p><p>But when they had woken up this morning, they had both still been there. They had felt better, lighter after last night, and after having breakfast with Nicole and Marc, they had gone upstairs again.</p><p>“I’m going to pick up the rest of my things today.”</p><p>“I’ll go with you.”</p><p>“You really don’t want to see my parents right now,” Armie says, but when he sees the determined look on the other man’s face, he can’t help but smile. “Are you sure?”</p><p>“I think I can handle them.”</p><p>“If they say…”</p><p>“Armie, I can handle them. All you have to worry about today is getting all your stuff. Leave your parents to me.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Armie can’t stop shaking as they go up to the house, because even though the worst is already over with, he knows that this is goodbye, and as much as his parents have hurt him, this is still something that hurts him more than he can put into words. He thought they would be a part of each other’s life for the rest of their lives, and for it to be cut short, like this, it feels like a part of himself is getting ripped away from him.</p><p>He knows that it’s the only way though, because he couldn’t have gone on pretending. It simply would have killed him.</p><p>He rings the doorbell, half-expecting to be left out in the cold, but his father opens the door, either pretending not to notice Timothée, or simply not caring anymore. Because he lets them in, before going into the living room.</p><p>Timothée follows Armie up to his room, and a cold washes over him, knowing that Armie has spent so much time here, praying to be different, to be ‘normal’, that he had lain here, wanting it all to be over.</p><p>“It’s weird, leaving this place,” Armie admits. “I always knew I had to move out, but…”</p><p>“I wish you had.”</p><p>“Me too,” Armie sighs, before opening his desk drawer and taking out something. “I forgot this yesterday.”</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“Do you remember?” Armie asks, as he hands the rubber bracelet over to Timothée, who can feel a lump forming in his throat. “It’s stupid, but…”</p><p>“Of course I remember.”</p><p>Timothée brushes his fingers over the now faded name of the tour he and Armie had gone to all those years ago. What he wouldn’t give to be back there.</p><p>“That was the happiest time of my life,” Armie says. “When we went there. I felt like we could be… fuck,” he spits out, before kicking against his desk. “That’s how it always should have been!”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Do you think we’ll ever be able to go back to that?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Timothée admits. “We were kids, Armie. We can’t go around like that anymore, pretending it’s nothing more than… whatever it was. We need to be real about the fact that we’re not those people anymore.”</p><p>“Aren’t we?” Armie asks, “Because I still feel the same way, Timmy. I still want what we had.”</p><p>“What did we have? Really?” Timothée asks. “We had sex, Armie. We were so caught up in our own heads, that we never let it be more than that.”</p><p>“But it was.”</p><p>“Yes, but… it wasn’t. You know that” Timothée says, keeping his voice down, even though at this point he couldn’t care less if Armie’s parents knew all about what they used to get up to. “I want this, us, but I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel anymore. Because every time I let myself believe that this can happen…”</p><p>“Not this time. I am serious about this.”</p><p>“You were serious about this last month, and I know that you couldn’t tell them, that it wasn’t your fault, but I don’t know, Armie. Maybe this just isn’t meant to be. Maybe we’re better off as friends.”</p><p>Armie nods, a heartbroken look on his face, but he wraps his arms around his best friend, and he buries his face in his neck, softly sniffling, trying his best to hide his pain. But Timothée knows that he is falling apart on the inside, and as much as it pains him to admit it, he is feeling the exact same way.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>After packing up Armie’s things, they go downstairs, but when they want to leave the house, Dru comes storming into the hallway, looking like she is about to breathe fire.</p><p>“You did this to him!”</p><p>“I did?”</p><p>“You got your disgusting hands on him, and you… you turned him into this… this repulsive…,” Dru spits out, but then she stops to take a breath, and Timothée takes the split-second pause to cut in.</p><p>“Your son is the best man I know,” he says. “You should be proud of him, but instead you are willing to run him into the ground? Because you’re afraid of what people might say about him? About you? He could have died. You realize that, don’t you? Because of what you’ve been doing to him all these years!”</p><p>Dru looks like she is about to open her mouth, but Timothée doesn’t want to hear it, not anymore.</p><p>“You’re the ones who are disgusting,” he spits out. “Not him. You should be ashamed of yourselves.”</p><p>Without another word, he drags Armie out of the house, the door quickly slamming shut behind them, and they don’t stop walking until they have turned out of their street.</p><p>“I can’t believe you just stood up to my mother.”</p><p>“Shit, I shouldn’t have done that, should I? I just made things worse.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Armie says, before letting out an uncomfortable chuckle. “I mean it, thank you. For what you said in there.”</p><p>“I doubt it’ll make a difference.”</p><p>“Still, it means a lot to me,” Armie says, but when he looks down at the bags surrounding them, he sighs. “So… what now?”</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. “What would have been your answer?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Only one more chapter to go after this!! A big thank you to everyone who has stuck around to read this! ❤️<br/>Can I just make one tiny request though? If you leave a comment (which I 100% appreciate btw, so thank you!!), but can you keep any comment on the real-life situation out of it? Or keep from hating on the real-life people? I'd like to keep this a positive space. Thank you!! ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Since Armie and Timothée had gone to pick up Armie’s last things from his parents’ house, things had become more than just a little uncomfortable. Timothée had told Armie that they would be better off as friends, but while he had meant the words, he hadn’t thought them through. Not really. Because ever since that first kiss, they hadn’t been ‘just friends’, and it is now becoming glaringly obvious that they have no idea how to act around each other. They catch themselves reaching for each other’s hand, or leaning in for a kiss after waking up, or even making little comments that now seem to somehow cross a line.</p><p>The tension hasn’t gone unnoticed, and both Nicole and Marc have tried to bring it up with both young men, but they had quickly dodged the subject, so they had let it go.</p><p>But Pauline had come back for Thanksgiving, and while today things had almost felt like old times, Timothée can tell that his sister has noticed the tension too, and when she drags him off to his room after dinner, he already knows what is coming.</p><p>“What the hell is going on with you two? He came out, didn’t he? Mom said…”</p><p>“Yeah, he did, but…,” Timothée tries, but when his sister crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow, he sighs. “It’s complicated.”</p><p>“Fuck that, Tim. You won’t even look at him. I thought you two were going to give this a real go once he told his parents and his girlfriend. What happened?”</p><p>“I told him that… you know… maybe we’d be better off as friends,” Timothée admits, mumbling the last part.</p><p>“You did what?” Pauline asks, so loud that surely they must have heard her downstairs. “Why? You two have been in love for… who knows how many years. Now you finally get the chance to be together, and you tell him you want to be friends? What is wrong with you? You haven’t met someone else, have you? Because I am telling you, whoever he is…”</p><p>“No, of course not. I love Armie.”</p><p>“Then why…”</p><p>“Because I’m scared, okay?” Timothée spits out, an embarrassed look on his face. “We have never been together, and I am terrified to fuck it all up and hurt him.”</p><p>“But you <em>were</em> together, Tim. Maybe not in a ‘let’s move in together and start a family’ kind of way, but what you two had…”</p><p>“He tried to kill himself,” Timothée blurts out, immediately wishing he could take it back, but he can’t. “I am scared that if I fuck this up, he…”</p><p>“When? When did this happen? After his parents told him he couldn’t be with you?”</p><p>“No, they didn’t even know. It happened after I left. What if we fuck this up, I leave, and he…?”</p><p>“After you left. So after he got stuck in that house with the people who hate him?” Pauline asks. “The people who have made his life a living hell? He loves you, but he did not do what he did, because of you. Do you hear me? Don’t you dare think that you did that to him.”</p><p>“I just don’t want to hurt him any more than he is already hurting, Pauline. You don’t know…”</p><p>“Yeah, I do,” Pauline sighs. “I can see that he has changed, Tim. What his parents did to him… I can’t even begin to imagine what is going on in that head of his - has been going on in there since he was a kid. But do you really think you are helping him by pushing him away?”</p><p>“I’m not pushing him away.”</p><p>“Yeah, you are. But you are not protecting him, you are hurting him. Now go downstairs and tell him you love him, okay?”</p><p>“What if we fuck it up?”</p><p>“You won’t. You love him, don’t you?”</p><p>“What if that’s not enough?” Timothée asks, but his sister just shrugs. “I’m scared, Pauline.”</p><p>“I know, but it’ll work out, trust me. I know these things.” Pauline winks, before kissing his cheek and getting up. “Now go and get your man.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“How do we always end up here again?” Timothée asks, when he joins Armie out in the backyard.</p><p>“Your parents are clearing the table, and they wouldn’t let me help, so…”</p><p>“Getting some fresh air?”</p><p>“I guess.” Armie shrugs, avoiding his best friend’s eyes.</p><p>“Armie?”</p><p>“Mhm?”</p><p>“I was wrong.”</p><p>“Probably,” Armie mumbles, and Timothée can’t help but smile when he sees the mischievous smile forming on his lips. “About what?”</p><p>“When I said we are probably better off as friends.”</p><p>“What made you change your mind?”</p><p>“I was scared,” Timothée admits. “Of fucking things up. Of losing you.”</p><p>“I shouldn’t have told you.”</p><p>“I’m glad you did, but it really fucking scares me, Armie,” Timothée whispers, his voice shaking. “Because what if I mess things up between us, and I make you want to…”</p><p>“You couldn’t, okay? You could never hurt me as much as my parents did. Even if this doesn’t work out… don’t you think we should at least give it a try?” Armie asks. “I mean… I don’t know, man…”</p><p>“If we do this, I want us to make a promise first.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Whatever happens, we’ll still be friends,” Timothée says, and Armie nods, before wrapping his arms around him. “I can’t lose you, Armie. Not again.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Armie whispers into his hair, before pressing a kiss into it. “For taking so long to tell them. To tell you.”</p><p>“We’re here now, aren’t we? For real this time.”</p><p>Armie nods, but when Timothée looks up into his eyes, he can see the shame, the regret, and he knows that this isn’t over yet. It is going to take a long time for Armie to process everything he has been through, to deal with the things he has felt for years, is probably still feeling at some level.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>“I love you, too.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“It feels smaller than it did last time,” Armie says, as soon as they step into the hotel room where they had stayed all those years ago, the night of the concert. They had decided to go away together for a few days, not just to have some time alone, finally, but also to be in a different environment, away from real life, which is clearly still getting Armie down.</p><p>“Because you’re bigger now,” Timothée laughs, “and don’t give me that look. We all know you’ve been working out.”</p><p>“A little…”</p><p>“A little?” Timothée laughs, before sliding his hands up Armie’s chest, and down his arms, slow, teasingly. He can see the blush on Armie’s face, so he gives him a quick kiss, before sitting down on the bed, not wanting to cross a line and take things too far.</p><p>Although it has been months since they have come back into each other’s lives, months since Armie had given him a blowjob in the bathroom during his birthday party, they haven’t done much more than kissing since. At first because of Alice, then later because they were just friends, and then because of Timothée’s parents sleeping next door. It had never bothered them before, but now it had felt uncomfortable, so they had stuck to making out, and a little caressing here and there.</p><p>Somehow Timothée feels like he should feel less nervous, because he isn’t the inexperienced teenager anymore, but he feels just as nervous as when he had done when they had first started being intimate with each other.</p><p>“Do you want to go out and do something, or…,” Armie says, still blushing, but when Timothée shrugs, unable to keep the nervous smile from forming on his face, he buries his face in his hands. “Is it bad that I feel like I’m eighteen again?”</p><p>“Me too,” Timothée admits. “It feels…”</p><p>“Do you remember our first time?”</p><p>“Do you even need to ask?” Timothée laughs, Armie sitting down next to him and grabbing his hand. “I know it wasn’t my first time, but…”</p><p>“Can I ask?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“What was it like? Being with other people after… what we did, you know?” Armie asks, his hand getting clammier.</p><p>“Weird,” Timothée admits. “I was used to the way you kissed me, the way you… you knew me. Those guys, they were just…,” Timothée sighs, struggling to find the right words. “Something never felt right, if that makes sense.”</p><p>“You’re not just saying that, right? Because that’s not why I’m asking.”</p><p>“I know, but I mean it. With you it felt safe, the way we could just say things, you know?” Timothée tries to explain. “It wasn’t that I wasn’t safe with them, I just…”</p><p>“What? Tell me.”</p><p>“It wasn’t you.” Timothée shrugs, like they are the only words that can explain what he is trying to say. “It wasn’t this.”</p><p>“I’m a little nervous that <em>this </em>isn’t this anymore,” Armie chuckles nervously. “Fuck, it’s been…”</p><p>“We don’t have to do anything.” Timothée shrugs, giving a reassuring squeeze into his boyfriend’s hand. “Not if you’re not ready. I know it’s all been a lot lately, so…”</p><p>“I’m just nervous,” Armie whispers, before pressing a kiss into Timothée’s hair, a shy smile on his face. “How did we ever do all that stuff, without…”</p><p>“Without being nervous?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“We were definitely nervous,” Timothée laughs, but then he sighs. “Because we had nothing to lose? Now it’s…”</p><p>“Real?”</p><p>“Exactly.”</p><p>They turn to look at each other, and their mouths meet in a nervous kiss, which soon grows more confident, as they lie down, their hands beginning to caress each other’s arms and legs. It almost feels like they have to figure each other out for the first time again, and Timothée can’t help but let out a nervous giggle when Armie almost slides his hand into his jeans, but then decides against it.</p><p>“What is wrong with us?”</p><p>“Should we have a drink first?” Armie suggests, but Timothée ignores it, and instead gets up, strips out of his clothes, his back turned towards him.</p><p>When he turns around, he has his hands in front of him to cover himself up, even though they must have seen each other naked hundreds if not thousands of times, but he finds himself blushing, and when Armie reaches out a hand to him, it almost brings tears to his eyes.</p><p>“You are so fucking beautiful,” Armie whispers, as he pulls him into his lap.</p><p>Timothée can feel his fingers digging deep into his shoulders, he can almost feel the desperation, the pain in his touch, and when their mouths collide, it is nothing like the way they had kissed before.</p><p>Armie lays him down in the middle of the bed, placing a trail of kisses from his neck, down to his chest, and Timothée closes his eyes, knowing fully well where this is going. But still, when he feels Armie’s mouth on his dick, his breath catches in the back of his throat, for a moment having been transported back to the moment when Armie had done this to him for the first time. It had been so awkward, so nervous, and it had only lasted for a moment before Pauline had interrupted. But Armie had been so convinced that that was what he wanted to do, and thinking back to it now, Timothée can’t help but smile, yet something gnawing at him, because he should have known. He should have asked Armie if he was gay, he should have made him talk about it, then maybe he could have been there for him. Then maybe…</p><p>“Timmy?”</p><p>Timothée snaps out of his thoughts, and he finds Armie looking up at him, an embarrassed look on his face.</p><p>“Do you want me to stop?”</p><p>“What? No!”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Armie laughs. “I mean…”</p><p>“Don’t you dare stop,” Timothée says, before brushing his hand through Armie’s hair and closing his eyes again. “I’ve missed this,” he thoughtlessly mumbles, no idea of how those words are making Armie blush. How Armie stares at him with eyes filled with nothing but love, before leaning down to continue.</p><p>But after a couple of minutes he brings his mouth back up to Timothée neck, before bringing it up to his ear, his heart nearly beating out of his chest.</p><p>“I want you to fuck me.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Timothée asks, as he grabs hold of Armie’s arm. “If you’d rather…”</p><p>“I’m sure,” Armie says, and he sits up, a nervous, but determined smile on his face. He takes off his shirt, Timothée’s heart skipping a beat, when once again he sees just how much he has changed since they have last done this.</p><p>Armie gets out of the rest of his clothes, while Timothée rummages through his bag for a condom and the lubricant. He can feel his hands shaking with nerves, and when he feels Armie wrapping his arms around him, pulling him against him, before pressing a kiss against the back of his neck, he can’t help but smile.</p><p>“I’ve missed this too,” Armie whispers. “I’ve missed <em>you</em>.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Timmy?" Armie asks, as he pushes himself up on his elbow so he can look at his boyfriend, who is still trying to catch his breath.</p><p>Timothée looks at him, but when he sees the big grin on Armie's face, he can't help but laugh.</p><p>“Don’t,” he quickly says, the grin on Armie’s face growing even bigger.</p><p>“You don’t even know what I was going to ask.”</p><p>“Yeah, I do. But not now. This is not… not now,” Timothée sighs, so Armie kisses him, before lying down next to him, and staring up at the ceiling.</p><p>“I’ve thought about it before, you know?”</p><p>“Me too,” Timothée admits. “But not like this. Not yet.”</p><p>“What would have been your answer?”</p><p>“Do you even need to ask?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. “Ready to go?”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Going away for a few days was definitely what Timothée and Armie had needed, because since they have come back, something has changed between them. Things are almost starting to feel as they had done when they were younger. There is a nervous tension, and things feel exciting, like they are only just starting out again. In a way they are, but they know that they will have to talk about the elephant in the room sooner or later.</p>
<p>So when his parents are out to do the Christmas shopping, Timothée sits Armie down for a serious talk, hoping that it isn’t going to set them back again. But he knows they can’t put it off any longer.</p>
<p>“What is going to happen now?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I want to go back to New York,” Timothée says, but when Armie just nods, he goes on. “I want to keep acting.”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>“Do you want to come to New York with me?”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Armie says, a nervous smile on his face. “I’ll have to look for a job, but…”</p>
<p>“What do you want to do?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. I always thought I was going to take over my father’s company, so I never really thought about it. I don’t think I’m actually good at anything, or…,” Armie begins, but when Timothée sighs, he stops himself from talking himself down. “I don’t know, Timmy. But I’m sure there is work out there for me. It’s New York.”</p>
<p>“Is that what you want though? New York was my dream, not yours.”</p>
<p>“Because I didn’t get to have a dream,” Armie says, his words giving Timothée chills all over.</p>
<p>“Will you be happy there?” Timothée asks, fully aware that so far Armie has lived his life for others. The thought of him now only doing this for him, it makes him feel sick to his stomach.</p>
<p>“Yes, Timmy. You’ll be there, right?”</p>
<p>Armie grabs his boyfriend’s hand, and he flashes a reassuring smile.</p>
<p>“I don’t care where we end up, as long as we’re together.”</p>
<p>“Seriously?” Timothée chuckles.</p>
<p>“I know how it sounds, but I mean it, okay?” Armie smiles. “It’ll all work itself out, I’m sure.”</p>
<p>Timothée stares at Armie, trying to see if he is putting up a front, if he is trying to hide something from him. But Armie is flashing a genuine smile, before he kisses him, and he pulls him into his arms.</p>
<p>“I’m okay, Timmy. I promise.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s the day before Christmas, and Timothée and Armie are out for a walk in the snow. They are walking hand in hand, Armie having grabbed Timothée’s hand as soon as they had stepped outside, no hesitation. Timothée had felt as proud as anything, and when Armie had even kissed him like he didn’t have a care in the world, the smile had almost burst out of him.</p>
<p>But just as they are about to step into the park, they notice Armie’s parents walking across the street from them, and Timothée’s immediate reaction is to free his hand from Armie’s grip. To step away from him and pretend that nothing is going on between them. But Armie refuses to let go of him, as he leads him over to his parents, his head held high.</p>
<p>“Hello,” he tries, his voice shaking with nerves, but Timothée squeezes his hand, hoping it will tell him that he has his back, either which way this goes. “How have you been?”</p>
<p>Both Dru and Michael ignore him, and they want to walk past them, but Armie isn’t going to give up this easily.</p>
<p>“I was hoping we could talk.”</p>
<p>“There is nothing to talk about,” Dru spits out, looking like she is staring at a piece of filth instead of her own son. “We told you…”</p>
<p>“We should go,” Michael says, putting a hand on his wife’s back, leading her away before she causes a scene in the middle of the street.</p>
<p>“Merry Christmas!” Armie says after them, looking like a hurt little boy.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry,” Timothée whispers. “This just shows…”</p>
<p>“That I’m an idiot.”</p>
<p>“That you’re the better person, Armie. Fuck ‘em. You are better off without them,” Timothée whispers, quickly wiping a tear from the corner of Armie’s eye. “I’m proud of you.”</p>
<p>“I thought that maybe…”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, how are things going with you and Armie?” Pauline asks, as she grabs one of the Christmas cookies out of her brother’s hands. She crashes down next to him on the couch, a big, knowing grin on her face. “Mom told me you are going back to New York?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, we are.”</p>
<p>“Okay, I know that look. What’s going on? You’re not getting cold feet now that things are getting real, are you?” Pauline rolls her eyes. “Seriously, Tim. I will drag you there myself if I have to.”</p>
<p>“That’s not it,” Timothée sighs, checking to see if they are really alone, before telling her. “I told you we went away for a few days, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah…”</p>
<p>“I’m pretty sure he almost proposed to me.”</p>
<p>“Holy shit!” Pauline laughs. “What did you say? Please tell me you said yes. Does mom know?”</p>
<p>“<em>Almost,</em> Pauline. He didn’t… I told him it wasn’t the right time for it.”</p>
<p>“Why? I know it’s early days and all, but seriously, you two have had this thing going on since you were kids. How long are you going to wait?”</p>
<p>“It just wasn’t… you know… the right time,” Timothée mumbles, his cheeks turning red. “We were in bed.”</p>
<p>“You’re an idiot. Even if you get engaged now, that doesn’t mean you need to get married right away. It’s like… I don’t know, a promise. It means he is serious about this,” Pauline says. “He was supposed to marry Alice, right? He didn’t have a choice in that. What does it tell you that he chooses to propose to you? It his choice to marry you.”</p>
<p>Timothée stares at her, because he hadn’t even thought about that. He had only freaked out, thinking it was too soon. Thinking it would be too big of a step, and it would only mess things up if they were to rush into something as big as that.</p>
<p>“What if he tries to ask you again?” Pauline asks, but her brother just sighs. “Okay, serious question. Do you want to spend the right of your life with him?”</p>
<p>“Yes, of course.”</p>
<p>“Can you imagine yourself with anyone else?”</p>
<p>“No, I tried that. I hated it,” Timothée admits, and when he sees the smile forming on his sister’s face, he knows what she is doing. “It’s too soon.”</p>
<p>“I agree, and I doubt Armie is planning your wedding either. I doubt it’s even about that.”</p>
<p>“It’s about finally having a choice,” Timothée sighs.</p>
<p>“Exactly. So if he proposes over Christmas…”</p>
<p>“He better not!”</p>
<p>“You’re an idiot, Tim.” Pauline rolls her eyes, before smacking the back of her brother’s head, and getting up. “But I love you, and I’m happy for you.”</p>
<p>“Fuck off.”</p>
<p>“I mean it,” Pauline says, and Timothée flashes an uncomfortable smile. “I know what both of you went through, so… I’m happy you’re finally where you are now.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Timothée says, before adding. “I love you, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The family had spent most of Christmas Day playing board games before having dinner, which they had all helped prepare. It had been a mess, but they had had so much fun making it, that it didn’t even matter.</p>
<p>Timothée had not once seen Armie without a smile on his face, and at one point he had had to leave the room, the feeling of seeing him so happy, when just months ago he had seemed so hopeless, becoming overwhelming. Nicole had noticed, so she had followed him, and she had held him, before leading him back to the others, who were still discussing what exactly were the rules of the game they were meant to be playing.</p>
<p>The day had felt like the perfect Christmas, and when the two young men go up to Timothée’s room, long after midnight, Timothée catches himself feeling giddy, like he is a little kid again. He can’t stop laughing, and when Armie pulls him in for a hug, he giggles into his neck, before grabbing onto him so tightly, that it makes Armie chuckle.</p>
<p>“What has gotten into you?”</p>
<p>“I’m happy,” Timothée laughs. “Today, it was just…”</p>
<p>“The first of many?” Armie whispers, a hopeful smile on his face.</p>
<p>“Definitely.”</p>
<p>Armie lets go of him, and he looks down at the bracelet on his wrist, which Pauline had given him, one that is matching the one Timothée is wearing, and he can’t help but think of the bracelets he had bought for them at the concert. It feels like a lifetime ago, yet at the same time it feels like they were just there last week.</p>
<p>“I have one more thing for you,” Timothée says, and he grabs a small bag out of one of his bags, which are already packed for New York.</p>
<p>“What is it?”</p>
<p>“Open it.”</p>
<p>Armie does as he is told, but when he sees the key, he still isn’t sure what he has just been given. He figured he’d be moving in with Timothée once they’d be moving to New York, so is this the key to his apartment? Would he give it to him as a Christmas present? Is it the key to something else? Are they not moving in together at all?</p>
<p>He can feel himself starting to panic ever so slightly, and Timothée can tell, because he kisses him, before taking the key from him, a big, but nervous smile on his face.</p>
<p>“What is it?”</p>
<p>“This is a fresh start,” Timothée says. “For both of us.”</p>
<p>“I don’t…”</p>
<p>“It’s the key to our own place. I don’t want to go back to where I…,” Timothée sighs, before continuing. “Where I fucked up, and where I have those memories, where I’ve been with other guys. Where I have roommates… It wouldn’t be fair on you.”</p>
<p>“I don’t mind.”</p>
<p>“But I do. I want this to be a new beginning.”</p>
<p>Armie can feel the tears starting to well up in his eyes, because just two months ago he was stuck in a home where he was forced to be something he wasn’t, he thought he was going to have to marry Alice. He could feel the life slowly but surely leaving him, and all of this, it still feels like a dream. Like he is going to wake up and find himself back in his old room. Stuck in his old life.</p>
<p>Timothée can tell what he is thinking about, and he wishes he could make those memories go away, that he could make it all easier for him, but he knows he can’t. So instead, he simply pulls him in for another hug, and he holds him as tight as possible.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Ready to go?” Pauline asks, as the two young men carry their things down the stairs. “Excited?”</p>
<p>Timothée and Armie sharing a knowing, nervous look, before following Pauline out of the house, where Nicole and Marc are already waiting by the car.</p>
<p>They put their bags in the car, Timothée feeling a little empty when he realizes just how little Armie has collected throughout his life. But he knows that that is all going to change once they settle in New York. That they will collect things together, they will bring back souvenirs, they will take pictures. They will build a life.</p>
<p>“What’s that?” Timothée asks, when his mother hands him something, but when he turns the picture frame around, he sees the picture of him and Armie, their arms around each other’s shoulder when they were just kids. It had been up on the fireplace for years, and Timothée can’t even imagine it anywhere else.</p>
<p>“I want you to take this.”</p>
<p>“I can’t. This belongs…”</p>
<p>“In your home,” Nicole says, a loving smile on her face. “I know many pictures will follow, but this…,” she says, looking down at it, and Timothée can tell that she is getting choked up. So he wraps his arms around her, and he gives her a hug.</p>
<p>“Thank you.”</p>
<p>Nicole and Marc get into the car, as Timothée turns to Armie, who is listening to Pauline, who is already making plans to come and visit them.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you in the next year, okay? So you better have a place for me to sleep.”</p>
<p>“The couch will do.” Timothée shrugs, but when his sister raises her hand to smack him in the arm, he quickly holds up his hands. “I’m kidding. We’ll take care of it.”</p>
<p>“Good.” Pauline smiles, before pulling both of them in for the biggest hug. “I can’t wait to see the place, guys.”</p>
<p>“Same here,” Armie chuckles, unable to hide his nerves.</p>
<p>“Nervous?” Pauline asks, continuing before Armie can even answer. “It’ll be alright. At least you’ve got this one with you out there,” she says, wrapping an arm around her brother’s shoulder. “I remember when I first moved out…”</p>
<p>“Yeah, let’s not scare him with your horror stories, okay?”</p>
<p>“Fine.” Pauline rolls her eyes. “Geez. Relax a little.”</p>
<p>Pauline says goodbye to her brother and Armie, before going back into the house, but when Timothée wants to get into the car, Armie stops him.</p>
<p>“I ehm… I know this probably isn’t the time for this,” Armie says, keeping his voice down so Nicole and Marc won’t hear. “But remember back in the hotel, when I was going to ask you something?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course,” Timothée says, feeling his heart starting to beat faster.</p>
<p>“When do you think…”</p>
<p>“Whenever you’re ready,” Timothée cuts him off, his own words surprising him. But even if he thinks it’s much too soon for marriage, he knows what this means to Armie. And when he sees his eyes growing brighter, he can’t help but laugh. “But we’re not… not for at least another couple of years, okay?”</p>
<p>“But you want to?” Armie asks, his face growing red from both excitement and nerves. “Marry me, I mean.”</p>
<p>“Yes, of course,” Timothée laughs, surprised to find how Armie’s words still make his heart skip a beat, even if he knew what he was going to say. “You know I do.”</p>
<p>“But not yet,” Armie quickly adds.</p>
<p>“Let’s try and settle down first, yeah?” Timothée laughs, before wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s neck. “Who knows? You might meet a hot theatre guy out there, and…”</p>
<p>“Fuck you,” Armie laughs, quickly kissing him, before pulling him in for a hug. “I can’t wait, Timmy.”</p>
<p>“For what?”</p>
<p>“To do this, with you,” Armie whispers, Timothée’s heart skipping a beat when he hears how small and how pure he sounds. He frees himself from Armie’s grip, and he stares into his eyes, for a split-second seeing the teenage boy standing there, who had lain next to him in the backyard, nervously confessing to him that he wouldn’t mind kissing a boy.</p>
<p>“What?” Armie laughs, when he sees Timothée staring at him. But Timothée just shakes his head, his heart almost bursting with love, with pride, with excitement.</p>
<p>“Are you ready to do this, then?”</p>
<p>“Let’s go.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi!<br/>Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story. I so enjoyed writing it, and I am beyond grateful for all the wonderful comments I've received. Seriously, thank you! ❤️<br/>This was my last Armie / Timothée story, but I am still writing Oliver / Elio stories (as Samunderthelights). So if you're interested in that pairing, maybe I'll see you again!<br/>If not, then this is goodbye! I have really enjoyed writing stories for this part of the fandom, but it's time for me to move on. So thank you for all the support and kindness I've received over the last two or three years. It's been great, and I wish you all the best! ❤️<br/>Xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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